Passion of love and life..

01 April 2006

Can you?

This post is one that i sat up all night thinking about... i woke up in the middle of the night feeling very fluey and very sick - so i sat in the dark trying to get comfortable and drug myself better.. but as some of you know - when i am well medicated my mind wonders to some scary places.. hahaha

Can you live with failure and pain and still feel that you are valuable.. whether its your failure or the failure of a loved one..

A little story about myself - when i was 19 i was watching a movie with someone very close to me and i told them - "someday, i am going to go to Hollywood - i am going to stand under that Hollywood sign" and the person laughed at me... 7 years later - i did exactly that - but the experience was such an anti-climax because my whole purpose for doing it then was to prove that i would, and not because it was a desire for so many years.

What has that got to do with failure.. the need to prove this person wrong drove a wedge between us and we are no longer friends.. i asked myself so many times - was that really an accomplishment then?

As i sit in America tonight and feel like when i look back on my life all the places i have travelled to every year since i was 18.. i have never felt more sane, more alive and more accomplished than i do right this minute. Not because of having done something - but having matured somewhat i feel that i finally know the difference between success and failure..

I have lived a life full of this sense of unfolding magic and have often felt guided by something larger than myself sometimes thru and often in spite of failures and mistakes. We cannot live fully and avoid failure. So to try and avoid the paralysis and pain of failure, mistakes and shame, we narrow our lives to those things we already know and live in denial and regret.

So celebrate life - if you fail (and we all do) fail forward ...

Mum this is for you - for teaching me through your life of love and sacrifice what true success, true life and true love is...

Just a few pics of me ....

A week into my journey..

Well its been a week and its been quite an interesting start...

This is the place i now call home - not sure for how long, as i may be moving throughout the US quite a bit. It's quaint and comfortable and for now is just the type of relaxing, quiet environment i need to settle in...

I promised not to bore you with the small change of my life - But here is a few small change tips before we get into what i have been up to and what life has taught me this week;

• Even if you have a VERY good reason (wink wink) to stop over in London on your way here - its a long tedious flight and Heathrow Airport can be really dull after 7 hours or walking in circles
• Never plan that your already long and tedious scheduled 29 hour journey will be on schedule coz u bound to wait another 3 hours at least listening to people complain in foreign accents
• In the States you cant get JUST a sim card anywhere so either get one at the airport or buy a whole new phone!
• Never look at the map while trying to drive on the otherside of the road until you get your mind around which way to turn into the road when all traffic looks oncoming! (its harder than it sounds honestly!) - Rather get lost for a few blocks then stop and look at the map! LOL
• Oh, some realy useful info is that if you are from South Africa (not sure about other countries) you need to have a USA credit card number in order to order things on the internet. And to get one of those you need an American Bank account - and to get one of those you need to apply for a Social securoty number. mmmm

Ok those are my pearls of wisdom so far...

I have learnt to do my own laundry, drive on the right hand side of the road (sort of - still need some practice), learnt what the interstate is, that people say the same things we say but mean it very differently!, i went to check out malls in Charlotte and while they are huge and have lots of shops they lack people! the movie times are always different so you better plan your day carefully and the best thing of all the bags of popcorn are huge and delicious. You gotta watch your diet in this country.. the portions are unbelievable...

This week i will be venturing some art, culture and nightlife - watch this space...

"While the one eludes, must the other pursue. My life is a fault at last, I fear: It seems too much like a fate, indeed!Though I do my best I shall scarce succeed. But what if I fail of my purpose here? " Robert Browning..

Well, my thinking today is this - since i strive to live everyday of my life (not as seriously as it may come across), with some sort of purpose and passion... as i look around me in this week that i have breathed in a new breath, a fresh wind in my soul- i realise that seeing beauty is not about narrowing our vision, designating only some of its manifestations as worthy. It means expanding our definition of beauty and suspending our judgements, and appreciating the quiet joys, the raunchy glees, and accepting simple truths about ourselves.

Today, although a foreigner and new to everything and everything new to me - i see a new beauty in myself and in what surrounds me and in what awaits me and draws me deeper into my own life and into the lives of others...

Life is beautiful and i will succeed despite fear and apprehension :-)

Jade007

So this is me...

The wait to get to the USA is finally over.
Arrival: 23rd March 2006 (1am). Exhausted, in need of a shower and not ready for the - (what feels like British) weather!

BUT - It has been a long wait and challege to get here and something my soul has craved to do for many years... i feel as if the USA has been calling out to me since i was little and here i am.

so here my journey begins...