Cognitive dissonance
Ok, so after a whole week of being back “home” in the USA, I am finally starting to feel less like a germ infested zombie.. and more human and more like Delise!
It’s always amazing to me how God has decided that my life will never be boring, emotionally or otherwise!! I have often wondered if that is just because I explore life so deeply by choice.. I DID after all make a bold declaration that I want to live with intimacy – be one with life – pain and joy right?? So once one makes such declarations, it seems life listens and takes up the challenge.
My trip home in detail:
I arrived on Saturday evening (Nov, 3rd) to a busy, deurmekaar airport. When I got myself a simcard and dragged my huge luggage outside, it was around 6pm and it was nearing sunset.. the first thing that captured me was the beautiful clear African sky. Honestly, in all my travels, I have yet to experience a similar beauty. I closed my eyes and listened to all the familiar languages around me and taking in the smell of the clean, crisp summer air.
The rest of the week was a bit of a blur really. I had appointments on top of each other. I felt like a frump because I had become so casual in my style being here in the US that everywhere I went seeing all the women in their Prada stilettos and strapless dresses was depressing!! Oh well, I didn’t even have time to ponder on that, as I had house to be sold, employees to see to, US consulate to suck up to (jokes), and people to catch up to and a wedding to attend. I spent a good amount of time with Ingrid and we had some real quality chats and good old Amarula!
Ofcourse, seeing my folks and eating my mum’s great food is like music in my soul….but the best part (no offense to family and friends) was when I climbed into my VR6 in my short little black dress and heels and minced down the highway – not even feeling foreign driving on the “other” side again – at 200 plus kilometers an hour ( I wont say the exact number in case I get into trouble!! Which I think its too late now cause after 200 – is there really levels of trouble one can be in?!?!). But that gave me such explosive joy, I couldn’t stop smiling for days!
Ok, so then, ofcourse I had to leave and 26 hours later after a painful, uncomfortable flight. I finally landed in Denver. While having a much needed and craved bath, I stopped for the first time to review my trip, my feelings, my experiences….
Ok, so after a whole week of being back “home” in the USA, I am finally starting to feel less like a germ infested zombie.. and more human and more like Delise!
It’s always amazing to me how God has decided that my life will never be boring, emotionally or otherwise!! I have often wondered if that is just because I explore life so deeply by choice.. I DID after all make a bold declaration that I want to live with intimacy – be one with life – pain and joy right?? So once one makes such declarations, it seems life listens and takes up the challenge.
My trip home in detail:
I arrived on Saturday evening (Nov, 3rd) to a busy, deurmekaar airport. When I got myself a simcard and dragged my huge luggage outside, it was around 6pm and it was nearing sunset.. the first thing that captured me was the beautiful clear African sky. Honestly, in all my travels, I have yet to experience a similar beauty. I closed my eyes and listened to all the familiar languages around me and taking in the smell of the clean, crisp summer air.
The rest of the week was a bit of a blur really. I had appointments on top of each other. I felt like a frump because I had become so casual in my style being here in the US that everywhere I went seeing all the women in their Prada stilettos and strapless dresses was depressing!! Oh well, I didn’t even have time to ponder on that, as I had house to be sold, employees to see to, US consulate to suck up to (jokes), and people to catch up to and a wedding to attend. I spent a good amount of time with Ingrid and we had some real quality chats and good old Amarula!
Ofcourse, seeing my folks and eating my mum’s great food is like music in my soul….but the best part (no offense to family and friends) was when I climbed into my VR6 in my short little black dress and heels and minced down the highway – not even feeling foreign driving on the “other” side again – at 200 plus kilometers an hour ( I wont say the exact number in case I get into trouble!! Which I think its too late now cause after 200 – is there really levels of trouble one can be in?!?!). But that gave me such explosive joy, I couldn’t stop smiling for days!
Ok, so then, ofcourse I had to leave and 26 hours later after a painful, uncomfortable flight. I finally landed in Denver. While having a much needed and craved bath, I stopped for the first time to review my trip, my feelings, my experiences….
It’s very hard to admit failure to uphold your own spoken or unspoken integrity.. but after pondering in the land of regret for a while, having a pity party, I decided.. its ok to be weak. It’s ok to be human. It’s ok to make mistakes. And now, I am ok.
The Native Americans speak of an inner place in life called: Chui-ta-ka-ma this is the place of choiceless awareness, the place where it is clear which choice is a choice for life, where we can make no other. Sometimes, to choose life.. you need to experience a little death, to see light you need to be in a little darkness.. After my soul’s dark place… again once more on my road to discovering a deeper me and a truer life.. I am in Chui-ta-ka-ma.
Despite it all. I choose life. Again.
The Native Americans speak of an inner place in life called: Chui-ta-ka-ma this is the place of choiceless awareness, the place where it is clear which choice is a choice for life, where we can make no other. Sometimes, to choose life.. you need to experience a little death, to see light you need to be in a little darkness.. After my soul’s dark place… again once more on my road to discovering a deeper me and a truer life.. I am in Chui-ta-ka-ma.
Despite it all. I choose life. Again.
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