Back in the saddle?? (maybe a little)
Well it’s been almost a month since my last post. It has been an extremely hectic start to the New Year – so many changes.
Once I moved into my place and got settled with the bare necessities, I felt on such a high. I registered with Colleges for various courses, I had everything paid for and organized. It was as if I'd found my centre.
And then a few days later for no explainable reason, I started feeling really disjointed. I moved into a new space at work. Physically and also with new projects and all the demands started piling up on me, the expectations and the deadlines. Nothing that I am unaccustomed to, but for some reason my focus decided to take a leave of absence which I have fondly referred to as my “mojo”
Let me back up a little….
My new routine starts with me waking up and folding away my bed (in a studio there is no real “bedroom” so I make it work) – I kind of like it – being in front of my TV and all that.. but I do miss having enough room for all my shoes and having a separate space to just retreat to. But it’s a great apartment and I feel really at home there. Anyway, it was really frustrating because for some reason I would get to work late everyday – I would have to lug my handbag and laptop (chai tea in the other free hand) stomping through the snow albeit all of 3 blocks! I felt the brunt of my own frustration day after day. I had no view of the mountains, only a Spanish style courtyard with windows staring back at me. Not a bad view but it made me mad every morning when I looked outside.
I felt claustrophobic in my own skin.
One night after a huge snowfall I decided to light a candle, listen to a song, have a bath and then go for walk through the fluffy white snow, ice embracing my cheeks... and reflect. Quiet moments alone allow us to explore how deeply we are committed to our own sense of healthy well-being and fortitude. Sadly, my equanimity had taken a long extended holiday to an unknown destination.
I hated my job
I hated my routine
I felt lonely – it seemed as if all the friends I had suddenly disappeared. The weather was crap. And the list goes on. Oh Candide.. I felt like you… I lamented, whined and had a pity party.
I lament for myself with Candide and then I remembered that it was he (this fictional character that has brought me much inspiration through the artistic writings of Voltaire) who used every device at his command to prevent pity and to emphasize the resilience of the human spirit.
As a side-line – who doesn’t like compliments???
I received a really nice compliment from a nice person who said: “You are a pearl among women, the masterpiece of creation”.. A little bit of a stretch there. But I’ll take it. That made me smile and just remember that life will throw at you what it will. I have had my fair share of extraordinary things, fun things, happy times and experienced the most elation one should be allowed to feel and as I have said many times, too, I have been down the pit of despair and disappointment, regret and failure.
I think I am in neither of those two places right now, which creates frustration all the more.. the land of mediocrity...
Well, so I decided to start looking for jobs in Los Angeles. As the whole world already knows I have for the longest time dreamt of living in LA. Working at the Dream Centre. I thought to heck with it. I don’t have any money, I am still paying for the house in South Africa, I have college to pay, bills to pay– I can’t afford to just up and move….. and then the thought is.. how can I afford NOT to?? If I fail.. what’s the worst that could happen? I fail.. so what? I get a job in a bar and make ends meet? Whatever. People have done a lot more with a lot less!!
So here I am wondering if I will take the plunge……………………………………………
