Creativity and the unfolding of your soul

There are not many things as painful in life as being stuck doing something you scarcely enjoy when your heart is full of big dreams.
You know, I have spoken a lot about my dreams in this blog. A lot of my heart and pain and the many joys I have encountered have found its way in my words.

I fully understand and even agree with the necessity of doing what is needed in order to get to where you want to be. However, I have often questioned, how come some people never get to “where they want to be”? Why are some people spending their whole entire life “doing what is necessary”.. I refuse to be one of those.. My soul aches day after day for something more.. to be able to add a life-sustaining breath to this world.

At this moment in time, I have chosen to remain in the circumstance that affords me the here and now. But the necessity wears off on me.. I started out being inspired by everyday life.. just running the course, seeing it through. These days, I find it very hard to find any enjoyment, much less inspiration in the necessary.. I wake up tired.. am tired all day.. I go to bed.. tired…

So, I have to ask myself: “What is life telling me?”

Someone once told me, the reason I remain unsatisfied in life, is because I battle with reality and keep losing. I thought that was the most retarded thing I have ever heard! I strive over and over again to determine something with my will and my decisions despite all life’s efforts to convince me that it is simply not up to me. Maybe I should just give in to the reality that life is just like that?

At this point in life, the economy is affecting everyone. All of my friends got laid off (on every continent).. I am the only one.. and so fear creeps in.. and threatens to cripple my dreams.. whispering in my ear.. if you leave this “current stability”…. You will not have money.. you will not have security.. you won’t find another job.
My favorite author writes: “It is not your life.. it is just life and don’t mistake surrender for giving up or giving in” - Ok, I do understand there are things in the world, in this life, that I will never have any say or control over.. but damit.. it IS MY life!!!!

I also agree that in life you do sometimes have to let go – to just see the answers unfold without the battle and the struggle. Sure.

As I write, I feel both the futility of the words to change anything, yet the strength in the sense that writing gives me a way to be with what is.. and what is possible. My essential human nature, my capacity for awareness for living my life with an open heart just won’t allow me to be accepting of the necessary for an infinite amount of time.

But, how do I know when is the right time to just take the risk.. leave all of my security behind to go follow my dreams. You know the funny thing about dreams.. they are very elusive, dare devils, risk takers.. if you follow them, you are liable to jump of off a bridge without rope and if you are not ready – you can get hurt!

So I will buy myself some time and give life the space without the questions to evolve.. and

maybe the answers will reveal themselves.. maybe not.

But whatever happens, I know beyond doubt that I will continue from the deep impulse of me, take what is.. and weave together in new and exciting forms the ordinary of my existence, from the strands of my daily life into a canvass of things to come.
And pray for continued strength in the moments when the “necessary” becomes overwhelming and seems to suck the life and inspiration out of me – for renewed hope and a new day..

A day when dreams come true.

(Eish the rain made Diana Ross appear!)

Le Grand Canyon

I went to the Grand Canyon and Sedona over Memorial Day Weekend. It was great.. What a beautiful sight to see. And even though it rained alot, it was alot of fun, a nice drive (except for the fact that the whole world was driving there, so we were stuck in traffic everywhere)..

But loads of fun and food :) Better post next time.. (I have to work SOMEtime.)

The week...

Well, the week started off as usual. Monday came around way too fast and the day went on as normal. Tuesday was like the twightlight zone in the office as 37 people got laid off. Everyone was traumatized.. feeling the humanization of the economical effects.

The good news is.. summer has finally dawned on Denver BUT I need to move apartments! My patio faces the courtyard pool and apparently, it is Spring Break everyday (bleg).. So I deal with noise and College kids hosting beer parties every day and night.

I am still prodding along and allowing life to play out for now, before making my major decisions.



I am a woman driven to living my existence with steadfast courage and integrity. Sometimes I think I want a quiet, simple life.. but simplicity rarely likes me.



So that is all I have to say today :)

You all have a great day now.

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live with them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. Rainer Maria Rilke

I am sitting here at my desk at work. I decided not to go out for lunch - I bought a slice of pizza and a diet pepsi and decided while everyone is out and the office is quiet, I will just write...

Usually my day starts at around 5am. I am barely awake, but I know I have emails from India and Europe to attend to on my blackberry. I lay in bed and respond to those if need be and then slowly drag myself out of bed. I tidy up my apartment if I had a night of rumaging through things, or re-oganizing things that I had no energy to put back after! I feed Big turtle and get ready for work.

My morning commute in my stilletos and majorly scaled down Corporate attire, consists of a 3 block walk and a visit to Fluid coffee bar for my Chai Tea.

From the moment I get in, I have people at my desk, emails to reply to, the phone ringing and projects or daily tasks which I am working on. Every hour or so, I log into facebook to clear my brain and see who is up to what. At about 11:30 - I am about ready to faint! I don't generally eat breakfast since I hate eating in a rush and I never have any food in my house anyway (the worms in the fridge are for the turtle!)..

I usually go to lunch at 11:30 - I decline offers from my colleagues because that means waiting another 30 minutes, by which time I will be dead or they have to go to lunch earlier.. neither them nor I compromise - so it is their loss of my great company! :)

Well, anyway, my day is pretty full. I try to take time away from my desk to relax my shoulders, with which I have been having major problems, and just get my eyes off the computer. I go out almost everyday for lunch, I walk downtown, or pop home for a nap. The day goes by quickly. My boss likes to stand at my cube talking about racing and cars, I enjoy it cause it's my interest. My colleagues are all really cool. We come from different parts of the world and sometimes they talk about the weirdest things, which I have never heard of before! It cracks me up all day. But we have a really nice bunch of folks here - one of my MAIN reasons for being here.

Ok - that wasn't supposed to be the entirety of my writing... :)

Going back up to the little blurb I copied an pasted at the beginning of my post...

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves

Isn't that just an interesting statement? I think it is very fitting to where I am at in my life right now. After having done some internal housekeeping and all is good, at peace, solid and back on track with me on every internal level, I still have a question about my place in the world.

And for the longest time, I sought after the answer, because I thought If I don't know then I will never get there. But maybe not really knowing is part of the whole adventure. Trusting in the process (as my close friend always tells me)... and letting the unresolved questions be answered with experiences instead of the knowledge of what the answers might be. Does that make sense?

Last night, I watched "The Last King of Scotland" on tv. It gripped me.. It was intense. Ofcourse movies about Africa always does.. My home and the people from my continent.. so much struggle, so much pain...

Bt this movie grabbed me because the Dr. from Scotland chooses the life of luxury over his original purpose and calling and convinces himself that he is still making a difference.. I am conflicted about what opinion I have on this decision.. So when I think about my own life..

I believe that I can make a difference no matter where I choose to go.. but does it make a difference where you plant yourself? Or does making a difference in itself matter more than anything?

Dunno.. ponder ponder....

EMILY DICKENS

Each life converges to some centre

Expressed or still;

Exists in every human nature

A goal,
Admitted scarcely to itself, it may be,

Too fair

For credibility’s temerity

To dare.
Adored with caution, as a brittle heaven,

To reach

Were hopeless as the rainbow’s raiment

To touch,
Yet persevered toward, surer for the distance;

How high

Unto the saints’ slow diligence

The sky!
Ungained, it may be, by a life’s low venture,

But then,

Eternity enables the endeavoring

Again.

From the Desert... to the Mountains.. to the Ocean

I have been travelling alot lately. I spent two weekends in Phoenix and this past weekend, I took a trip to San Diego, California.

My primary reason for going was to watch the Red Bull Air race. It was so much fun. The weather wasn't very warm.. hence my facebook profile of me running on the beach in jeans and a hoodie! :)

but the weekend was a blast:

Friday night: Arrived in San Diego around 8:30pm went directly from the airport to dinner at an over priced Seafood restaurant - the service was fantastic (The Joys of California!) But the food was mediocre. I had a lightly crusted fish - I can't recall what it was.. trout maybe.. After all - where better to have seafood than AT the ocean. The air was cool, chilly in fact.. the salt from the sea lightly brushing my olfactories... I felt like I had left all my troubles and stress behind and I was on a holiday. Funny how the ocean does that to you, hey?

My hotel balcony overlooked the city and parts of the harbor. Very nice.

Saturday. Up at around 9am, went for a walk on the beach. It was again chilly. Found a breakfast place overlooking the ocean and all the Cali folks enjoying their morning jog or walking their dog. In the distance there are some brave stars surfing the waves.. I remember the last time I saw a school of dolphins dancing between the waves.. so beautiful.....The ocean is calling my name.... So there I go, Like a psycho.. running on the beach! ha ha ha. jeans.. hoodie, ray Bans ha ha ha...

After breakfast and a nice ocean intake.. I made my way to the air show. This was the qualifying rounds and the place was packed. It was such a nice scenary over the ocean and the harbor watching planes do amazing stunts at amazing speeds. After the airshow we went for some grub and walked around Downtown for a bit.

The nightlife is kind of crazy and people there are EXACTLY how you'd think Californians are.. :)

Sunday: Woke up early after a great night's rest and went for a walk along the harbor. Admiring the huge cruise ships... one of these days I will sum up the courage to go on a cruise.. I heard it's claustrophobic plus they feed you all day - eat all day and up chuck at the same time.. errr not so much!!

Went to breakfast and ready to watch the Formula 1 race at a pub with all the other crazy fans.. Do I WISH I was IN Barcelona to see the race in person - oh yeah - but San Diego will do! The race made me lose a few hairs, but it was a bunch of fun. I had a great breakfast.. hard poached eggs in a Spanish sauce.. it was delish beyond words.

The race ended just in time to take the long walk to the air race. Which was race day! very exciting. Had a load of fun. The sun was out, but it wasn't really much warmer. The race was fun and we were all exhausted after that. We headed with the hoard of people streaming to downtown - on a Sunday the Hard Rock hotel has a matinee club / pool party.. it was fun to watch people parade around! LOL People watching is my second favourite thing to do!: )

I had a glass of (watered down - cheap)wine and some German Chocolate cake. Sat and relaxed until it was almost time to leave. I went walking and looking at the real estate in down town San Diego - getting a feel of the town.. pretty nice... ;) wink wink...

Then I had to depart. The bummer about only going to a place for the weekend and attending an event, is that you don't get to see much. It's ok - it was my second trip to San D and it was a phenomenal weekend. Relaxed, fun! Mini vaca! YAY.

So a Funny thing happened on the way to the movies....

Oh.. Happy days....

I hopped on the hour long flight to Phoenix again this weekend. I was very excited to see everyone and see the Dance Production. I am, ofcourse, back in the office after minimal sleep - but it was oh, so worth it. I attach some pictures..