VENTING ABOUT MY LIFE.
Life is a roller coaster. Certainly my life isn’t any different, right. I have been basking in deliriously happy places for a while and just finding my own centre and sense of peace in regular life. But these days, argh.

The happy places:
I have been in this state of purgatory (but a happy one) for a while. Waiting for my visa to seal my fate. And presto! It arrived. Ofcourse not without its consequences and chains. But nevertheless, it is what I wanted and I finally got it. My visa and work authorization, giving me two more years in the USA. Ah. Good.
With the stress of budgets and mayhem at work behind me; and things finally calming down on the disaster that happened with friendships, everything was “ok” again. My brothers’ wedding In South Africa had come and gone and the happiness of reconnecting with my family still firmly planted.

Today is the last day of June. Officially half the year has gone by. I think back and so far 2009 has been awesome. I have so many things to look forward to as well. Belgium… Vegas.. LA…
I JUST signed a new 3 month lease for my tiny apartment, which I love to bits. Me and my turtle… “just the two of us” happy as clams..
I had plans to leave Denver at some point, but I have been indecisive about many things.
Then it happened.

Work:
I have work to do. With which I have become familiar and dare I say good at (since I started this job not knowing diddly about IT!). Good friends at work and we have a good time. But…. I am bored. I am unchallenged and I feel like I have to drag myself here every day now; I feel like no one’s life is being touched or changed or even affected.
Yet, I am in that place where if you ask me what I really want to do – other than giving you a vague generality: It’s really hard to define. Look for another job? What would be the point? Won’t it just be the same? So it is old familiar places of restlessness or whatever.
I read a very inspiring blog written by a man I very much admire. And he spoke about being ‘Fully present, fully feeling and fully alive”. Hasn’t that been my very mantra?
I am, however, finding it so difficult to be that in my present situation. So today I decided to try it on purpose.

I stepped away from screen number 1 (The computer)… and went for a walk outside. On my way down I looked at everything. The buttons in the elevator, the carpet which was brown tiles (that needed a clean). I noticed the receptionists’ smile. I got outside, it was warm and sunny, blue skies. The sun on my skin was so lovely. I closed my eyes and took in the rays. My Blackberry buzzed. I ignored it. (Screen number 2). I walked and looked at the pretty green trees and the cars driving by. After a short while I did the same routine walking back to my desk. I went through my emails and asked myself: “Which of my tasks today can I do something amazing with. Do so well that it amazes someone…” And I went through that exercise. I gave my one colleague a hand with a task she had been struggling with. I went by to others and chatted for a little while with a smile offering to bring them tea / coffee – it all ended up becoming a date with the girls at Gelazzi for Gelato martinis later (which is never a bad thing!).. But the point was, I wanted to help people, reach out, make someone smile and just be a pleasant presence in the office today. I sent my boss some racing You Tube clips – which he and I both love.
I did all that to try and bring myself out of my boredom and self pity and really see all the beautiful things around me and also to take my menial tasks and put my soul into it.
Sadly.. it didn’t work.
The same inspirational blog says: “It’s important that as you work, you believe, anticipate, and get ready for a big harvest.”
Bleg (I know.. but…)

Physical
In January I had gotten 2 pounds shy of my goal weight. For those of you, who have known me for a long time, know that I have struggled with my weight for most of my 20’s. When I got married YEARS ago I was 20 years old, I weighed about 92 pounds (42kgs). It sounds a little, but I am only like 5”1 (arguably according to my friends! LOL). So that weight worked for me at that age. I was a gym addict so I looked good and I felt good. A few years later after hormonal treatments, I had gained a lot of weight. Probably got up to 120lbs (54kgs). From then on I struggled with it. Tried “everything” as they say and lost a little; gained a little for about 7 years. I spent so much money at beauty salons, trying everything they had! (All the easy routes). I then tried the Atkins diet which worked for losing a few pounds.. But I also lost a lot of hair! Bummer.
When I moved to the States, I found losing weight even more impossible. But then.. It happened. I went to Las Vegas for the SEMA car show n October 2006 and I got food poisoning. I lost about 7 pounds from that. Not a great way to lose weight, but certainly an easy way. After that trip the weight seemed to just come off.
I started eating better, less - and just walking more.
This year March I was at 102lbs (46kgs). My ultimate goal is 100lbs (45kgs) which I think is a good balance for my height and my age. I look and feel good at this weight. But in the last two weeks, I decided I wanted to not just be slimmer, but fitter and healthier. I started Jillian Michaels training program, kicking my ass everyday and what do you know? My clothes started hugging me more and the scale is now at 106 – (Swear words come to mind!)
Why do I feel the need to put my weight and age and height on a public blog? Because I think this “political correctness” of being age and weight averse is just stupid. I want to be real. Yes, I am 34 years old, I weigh 106lbs and I am 5”1! Pffft there you go.
But I am not happy with that weight and I sit and wonder how can something which is supposed to add to you– make you feel worse. Yes, I need to keep at it, right! it’s hard. I think the easy road is over for me!
But it adds to my feelings of being “down”.
So anyway, there are so many more gripes that I can share with you.. but I think I hear snoring already!

I guess I just feel.. ermm dissatisfied at the moment…..

Can someone please pass me a satisfaction pill?

The weekend

This weekend was rather relaxed again- which is ALWAYS a good thing.

Saturday was our Company picnic. I had a bit of a cold, but I managed 5 Hula Hoop revolutions, a small game of rugby, American football throws (at which I suck!) and some soccer.

Then I went home and just chilled for the rest of the weekend!

This weekend I started thinking..

about friends. You know, I left many great friends behind in SA... My best friends will always be just that and we communicate often, they keep me grounded and sane.

Stories honestly told and deeply contemplated offer us a glimpse of the meaning of our lives.. I would never have had the courage to sit down and write my 5th book had it not been for my good friends... 5th - but the only one that WILL be submitted for publication. I never had the courage to submit any of the others and when I did read through them again years later - I am glad I didn't ha ha.

My poetry can be found online, but I never felt the urge to publish a poetry book.

I talk about it alot more, because my friends are refusing to let me hide in the shadows of any excuses! And I know I will be grateful for it when I am thanking them on Oprah LOL - NO, seriously.. It's been so challenging. With me going back to College later this year - FINALLY deciding what course of study I want to pursue.. and finally having a sense of being settled here - The USA has granted me some more time......

My house back home - is in GOOD hands with my lovely employee Patience (whom I will never cease to thank and love) and my good friends Ingrid and Antonie who are living there and holding down the fort for me! And I think of all these amazing friends with whom my heart is eternally sewn together in a covenant of friendship.. I feel so blessed.

I feel as if the universe has aligned once more and things are calm.. I can now get to the business of writing - my life is off pause and I can move full steam ahead...

Thank you friends.. You mean everything to me.

Stuck.
Ok - So remember my book? Well, I wrote about 4 chapters (10 times over!)... The trouble with having nothing to say.. is having too much to say all at once!!

I decided to take a break for 2 days and just let the ideas settle and then start again. Yes, yes, most books take a year and more to come together.. what can I say? I am an impatient overachiever!

Wednesday, June 17th was my 34th Birthday. I had such a fun day from the moment I walked into my office. The team filled my work space with balloons and shrink wrapped all my stuff! That was hilarius (only in IT!!).. Beer cans everywhere. The most amazing part is, they blew up all those balloons without a helium tank (and pretty much drank all the beer while doing so!!).

I then went to tea at midday with my friend Lindsey at the Brown Palace Hotel. One of Denver's historic hotels. The evening I ate a very nice dinner at a Russian restaurant downtown and went to watch: "A Bronx Tale" - All in all very good day. I felt very special with all the wishes and ofcourse hearing from my friends and family back home.

Yesterday our team joined the Marketing crew for a baseball game. The Rockies versus Tampa Bay. I have been to a few baseball games, I thought I had the hang of it, but Lindsey laughed when I asked: "Is it half time now" pfffft whatever LOL. I want to watch more basketball - But have been told I am too late for that! drat!! One of these days I will learn American sports well enough!

Today - The IT folks are taking me to a mysterious lunch. They KNOW that I have been working out and trying to get into shape (other than round!) and been eating well.. so I know they are planning something greasy and colon cleansing!! It's a tough life!! LOL

So, back to my book. Now that I have been injected with inspiration, I seem to be running out of vocabulary and also have way too many ideas floating around. But, on the bright side.. no one ever died from too many ideas!! So, I started doing alot more research and reading. I never thought I would write a novel. My good friend in England, Sarah, started writing a book about her life and what a life she has had thus far! And I always envisioned that I would write a philosophical piece about life, love, passion and how to beat the odds.. But I have this novel wallowing around.. and I think for me at this time, that is the way to go.

So I have read about 25 books this week online. I bought a book from the bookstore and it was such a snoozefest! Seriously, some of the "best-sellers"... have been so boring... and that challenged me even more.. I don't want anyone to feel bored to tears by my work.. I want to inspire and fuel the imagination, take people to places deep within their own soul, creatively. But also into a fantasyland and into a different world - an escape to reality and an escape from reality.

So bla bla bla - get to it already!! I can hear everyone saying ha ha.

I have booked my tickets to Belgium. I cannot wait to spend time with my friends over there and also attend the Formula 1 race, it might be the last one I ever attend - sadly... I look forward to maybe hopping to Amsterdam as well. That will be wonderful!!

On that note... This weekend we have our Company Summer picnic and ofcourse I am helping with the coorindation (as usual lol). And Sunday the F1 race in England (which I will be watching on TV - just to be clear!).

Life is goohoood :)

Catching up...


After my stint to the mountains to hike and get my exercise on, my week days have been a little ho-hum routine and the weekends filled with a lot of relaxation and stress free eating and watching movies. We have had SO much rain in Denver ugh - some days the lightning and thunder is so exotic and romantic, dark and eeerie, other days the light rain dusting my hair and teasing my toes as I walk from Safeway (the grocery store) home is delightful.. but on most days it's just a schelp and a "buzz kill" :( (That is SO American ha ha).


Yesterday we streamed to my rooftop to watch a tornado funnel close to the mountains to the west of downtown, that was pretty awesome.. but.. enough already, bring on the bloody sunshine!


This weekend was nice, I did the usual relaxing in parks, taking walks, watching a movie, eating and drinking fabulous wine and I went dancing on Saturday night, that was a treat.


So, I started writing a book. I debated with myself whether I should even venture this announcement, because if I do and then don't finish it.. it will be anti-climactic... But then I decided to announce it, because it will hold me accountable to the new found inspiration that sparked this venture. I am already underway and I am loving it. The goal is to have it to an editor by September upon my return from Belgium and if it is a hit - have it published before we close out 2009.... So I have alot of work ahead of me... and alot of social time will die.. but I have to do what is in my heart to do..



My blurb for today:

I find myself happy.



I have found myself in many different adventures over the past few years. Whether it's discovered in travel, in friendships or in work. It has been such an amazing experience. I find myself once again on the cusp of new beginnings.. new adventures. Last week, I started reading the blog of an old friend. And I am not entirely convinced it was a direct cause, but for some reason, a jolt of inspiration hit me like lightning. In the midst of me feeling very bored with routine.. the words came.. Like an army... and I started to write. It was as if something inside me wanted the wholeness of life to creep onto the pages of a book.


Something stirred the ador for writing that is rooted so deep within my person. So armed with my words and the passion of my soul Feeling whole and challenged.. here I go!

Beautiful Colorado

There are times when I get tired of Denver.. but I never get tired of the beauty and the nature of Colorado. I went hiking on Saturday up into the lush green mountains and after a long and steady hike, where the Squirrels and Chipmunks come right up to you and purple butterflies tickle your face.. you emerge to what seems like an oasis of deep blue water and waterfalls.. paradise. After the hike, I took the cable car up the Glenwood Springs mountain to a little Adventure land. Went on a tour in the dar caves discovered there a long time ago.. very interesting and very beautiful!