Pics from Christmas.. I forgot to post my Christmas pics.. was a great time in California

This little life of mine...

It was not so long ago that my life was filled with more joy than I could imagine, excitement, friendship, work, travel and relaxation.. It was also not so long ago that my life was filled with fear, trials, loneliness, stress and darkness.

Contemplating life is what I have always done. My pursuit to live my life with vivacity, sensibility and grace has sometimes fallen pray to just dreaming about it.  I do realize that life is about minutes, seconds... days, routines, work, taxes, dishes, cleaning, sleeping. All the mundane things that one just simply has to do.  And, I also know that life is made up of doing things that making your heart swell, your mind expand to enormous capcities, and being irrevocably inlove and insatiably, unapologetically given over to passion.  Most of us live somewhere in between those two worlds.

My conviction is that those two worlds must collide and that balance between the "stuff" and the dreams is the "perfect" life.

I find myself presently working so hard that it makes me physically sick sometimes. I have absolutely no friends with which I share things and also no motivation to change that.. as if driven by a terrestrial paradise into a wilderness with just myself..

I have started writing a book - about how no one can live your life but YOU.  Yes, sh**t happens.. but at the end of the day YOU live in your life and you have to just find a way to make things happen. Here are a few examples from my own life - where I am learning these lessons.

I have my own little routine which involves just me, after an exhausting week, I just want to write, eat, sleep, watch movies... and most of the time none of that involves anyone else. And I get depressed about being alone, but at the same time, I just don't have the energy to go out and make friends.

I realised something the other day: I never had to actually go out and make friends in my life!  I tried to think back to a time when I was alone and had to go "join" something to meet people.. and really.. I couldnt think of one instance where I wasnt just thrown into groups or friends just flocked my way.  And I think that is part of why I am where I am... because having to go DO something in meet people seems like climbing mount everest and really if you work where I work.. who has the energy to even climb a hill!!!

But If I want to live a balanced life I have to change that.

I have gained about 8pounds and I cant seem to shake it.. well the truth is - I am really not even trying very hard. I exercise everyday but I eat just as much.. and I almost feel as if I don't really care that much.. Yet I complain to myself about it everyday... lol and then I say its because I am 36.. I cant lose weight (right!)

If I want to live a balanced and full life.. I have to change that.

So my point really is.. this is MY life and it's not waiting.. while life moves on and my age creeps up on me.. I dont want to have regrets.. I need to get off my (now fat) ass LOL and go live my life. Yes I need to have patience for a few things to fall in place and I need to be focussed on it and wait out the storm.. But I need to squeeze some FUN into this thing I call my life - cause ain't no one gonna do it for me!!

Enough is enough already. Just DO IT. (ok - sorry If I bored you.. that was just to motivate me! :))

2011 - Respite

After an exhaling, relaxing end to a distasterous year.. I feel as if my life has crept into respite.  Ahh oh, the peace.

I spent Christmas with a bunch of South Africans, the food was good, the company was great - felt like a little taste of home. This all happened in California!  I then headed to Vegas for 3 days of just fun, spending too much money and eating way too much! Nothing wrong with that!

The thing I hate about the end of the holidays, is that people are all of a sudden"new" - there is this expectation that you must wake up on Jan 1st and now have NEW goals, forget everything from the year previous and do something new.  And be better...

I have always said that I have an untamed expansiveness within me.. a vastness that will never relax, a monumental span of dreams that refuse to die or be anesthetized - I just cannot even begin to explain "goals".. since I want it all .. I want to do it all!

I had my time in December (albeit it short) to relax, revitalize and now it is time to rediscover who I am .. and make my mark on everything!  life will still be tough.. after all - life is life. That's just what you get when you are in on this planet. Deal.  I am tougher and stronger because of it all!

Here I Go!