2012 In The Rearview

Today is the very last day of 2012.  Last years’ New Year ’s Eve was very low key with friends. I think this year might be the same.  I have come to a deep place of reflection this year, and I feel like I want to just go into 2013 with peace and joy in my heart.

Suffice it to say it warrants a look back.  It was a tough year.  I look back and I really want to count every blessing.  Every year we get older.  We look back, we anticipate forward. At the end of it all, I think we are all just seeking peace and contentment.

I am not going to rehash the entirety of 2012.  But just some highlights.

The Worst:

Battling with my health has been the Bain of my existence.  And also moving twice wasn’t all that fun.  I gained some weight and my skin went to the dogs. So, that was the worst of 2012.

My travels were slim this year, which also kind of creates this cloud of smallness in my heart.

The Best

My little apartment is really nice, cozy and starting to feel like home to me now.  I started dancing ballet which just gave me a focus, a purpose on a physical and mental level and a great challenge.  Getting involved with Phoenix Philanthropists has enlarged my heart for the hurting of this world. I am constantly inspired and saddened at how much need there is. I am on a mission to do what is in my power to do to make a difference in this life.

I got to go to F1 USA, in Texas. That was probably the biggest highlight.  A few trips to California and one to Denver were about all I could manage this year.

I also started a new job, talk about comfort zone eradication.  I only hope that this change brings about a renewed sense of purpose and the money will help me fulfill my hobbies and passions on the side.

I went to watch the movie version of the highly acclaimed play: “Les Miserables” – it was awe-inspiring, breathtaking, moving in ways I can’t even articulate. 

It reminded me that only love and mercy can truly change people.  I plan to extend as much mercy and compassionate as I possibly can. You just never know how many lives it impacts.  Forgiveness is more powerful than the enforcement of justice.  And love truly conquers all.

So, as I look ahead.. all I can say this year is this: I know who I am. I know what I want.  No big proclamations or resolutions except this: I will try to be more consistent in my endeavors to be the best version of myself in all areas.  Cast the fears aside and just run my own race with conviction.  Love with passion and abaondon and make sure that no one whom I invite into my life loves me less than what I love myself.

Happy New Year folks.
here is the to: "the BEST is yet to come"!!!!

Circuit of the Americas - F1 Race, Followed by Thanksgiving and a few other updates...

 
Ok wow. Time has run away from me.  I went on an ALL-TIME spectacular trip to Austin, Texas.  For the F1 Grand prix.  The place was CRAZY! between the celeb watching, race watching, waking up at 4am and leaving the track at 5pm - I got a cold, cold feet and less sleep than I would care for.

But in the end, it was ALL worth it.  I had so much fun indulging in one of my passions. The drive was very long. 14 hours to be exact.  And we got a speeding fine in New Mexico. Boo!  Other than that, it was smooth and flawless.  We shared a house that we rented with a bunch of friends, it  was like college dorm room style. Pretty fun, lots of good food, laughs and conversation.

Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving came round rather quickly after the Austin trp.. and I was rather unprepared. Also, wasnt feeling well, so I bought turkey (as one does) and just ate in front of the tv and napped. :)  Wasnt very blog worthy really. But worth a mention, since it was my 6th one since I moved to the USA.


Leaving the man for another man. 
Just before that heading gets confusing.. By "the man" I am refering to my job! Leaving the corporation who has owned my time for the past 3 years. It was a hard decision at first until the "other man" offered me an offer I couldnt refuse.. amazing how easy money makes your life decisions!! But apart from the money, it was just time...

So, I decided to take a week off and go have a great fun time in Vegas.  And then bum around, get my head screwed on straight in order to start this new year.. new adventure..

That's the very short version of the past events. 

Here are some pics to catch you up.. and I have a good blog post coming soon. Which includes my first week at the new job and some thoughts about 2012.. as it comes to a close.

This has undoubtedly been a TOUGH year... and that tough-rough handling of me by life has made me a tough cookie, battered and bruised, but not crushed!.. watch.. this... space.. for more details.

So much can happen….

In the space of a day, a week or a month; even in a moment.

It has been a while since I last updated – just a few things to mention…

Not sure how long after my last post this was; I was happily living life – dancing my ballet, doing my volunteer work etc.  when one day –>

So it’s a normal, casual Saturday afternoon – I stroll into Suddenly Slimmer Spa.  I have been going to them since I discovered the Salon when I moved to Phoenix.  You know me, I love my treatments: from waxing to B12 shots.  I have had great service at first and then it kind of dwindled to mediocre until it became terrible.

Side note: What is the deal when you are a new Customer they treat you like gold.. so you come back.. when you come back they treat you like dirt?  Doesn’t it make sense to always treat the loyal customers with nothing but respect and the highest level of service?

 Anyhow:

So, this Saturday afternoon – feeling very good – I go to said Salon for my regular B12 shot.  The shot itself hurt like hell. Something felt very weird.  I went to Ballet in pain and thought, well, "it will pass" – the next day I woke up with a fever, flu like symptoms and pains in my leg.

To cut a long story short, 2 days off work and 3 trips to the Dr. including a neurologist (even had to have a Electromography - where they stick these long needles into your muscles to test nerve and muscle function for any abnormalities) and 3 weeks of not being able to function.. It truly was a dark time.. I had insomnia, my legs would go numb at night to the point of panic.  Pain constanly plagues me, I would have nightmares and wake up drenched in sweat and then get extremely cold.  Touching my skin lightly on the affected leg felt like an electric surge thorugh my leg.  It was a nightmare....I am finally better.

What an ordeal. No one will ever really know what happened. Theory is she injected into or very near my sciatic nerve causing major nerve compression. Thank God for healing, for prayer and for the body’s ability to rehabilitate.

So that ordeal was less than fun.  I DID learn the value of the (old people's) saying: "As long as you have your health".. I also used to roll my eyes.. that to me always sounded like a defeatest attitude.  But without my health.. no other aspirations I had mattered.

I am SO over this year and having physical issues.  My skin – that’s another story – I am tired of complaining about how I had great skin, did everything right my whole life (skin related that is) and still end up with acne scars that won’t heal. WTH! So , Now I accedpt my "new face" for what it is.. and focus my energy on other things. It's just too much of a burden to feel sad for what feels like a tragic loss.   I know it sounds dramatic.. but anyway. Done.. with.. that.

I have come to this conclusion.. there is not ONE sure thing on this earth.. Not one.  Your health, your dreams, your job, people’s promises, material things etc.. even your confidence.. that is a sure thing.. The only thing you have at the end of it all.. is your faith the love in your heart. Everything else will come and go as it sees fit...

On a more pleasant note.. I am leaving for Austin, Texas on Thursday for (ofcourse!) The Formula 1 Race.. and I am excited and feel SO blessed to be able to go.  I will post pics and tales of adventures… (Painting insert - By BIll Patterson.. what a great artist!)

And before this year comes to a close.. BIG changes and stories to update.  Wow.. Its mid-November already! Craziness.

The Philanthropist and the Ballerina

My passions are inescapable.  Let me explain.

For those who have known me a long time and even come to know me in a recent meeting / conversation etc. Will know that I was born into this world with a desire and a fire to make it a better place.  Well, that’s clichéd.  Cynics say that saving lives leads to population explosions and therefore compounding the problem.

I say this, with Mother Teresa:

We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty.

So, I have spent the last few months with the Phoenix Philanthropist Group and the Phoenix Volunteers group doing just that. It involves packing food to be shipped to countries that have nothing, or boxing food for the immediate needs here in Phoenix. Handing out clothes to kids on the streets or give them school supplies.  We get involoved with Foster care systems to help the kids get into good homes, or have an education.  Together with Celebrities around here we help fight and rescue girls from Human / Sex trafficking and also rescue abused babies.  We also gather, sort and pack medical supplies, tend to gardens, do recycling projects and help people build and fix homes -  I thoroughly love it.

Last year was a dismal and stressful one.  Waiting for my Greencard and the uncertainty that went with that aged me a few years.  Then 2012 was going to be “MY YEAR:” and it started off even worse than last year ended. With all the illnesses etc.

I must say however, the last few months has brought me back to life. Lit the spark in my soul again and just put me in places that I never thought I would be.  Well, I had hoped.

I did a few more movies and a commercial. That was fun.  I sold my house in South Africa finally and was able to let go of that burden (bitter sweet).  It seemed July 2012 brought much stress relief, joy and newness.

So in conjunction with all the happy-happy, I decided to enroll for a Classical Ballet class – remember how I have always talked about “taking a class”.. well here it is.

The first one was fantastic – I didn’t realize it was “Level 2” – and it hurt quite a bit (And have since decided to switch to "Level 1" for a few weeks to get me IN TUNE) -  But I had so much fun. I must say Ballet does for me what people say Yoga does for them. Frankly yoga puts me to sleep. 

Picture it: There I stand in my tight yoga tights and tank top. Chin up, ballet shoes in 'position one' – Left hand on the Barre -> one girl behind me and one in front.  3 girls at Middle Barre.  Mirrors everywhere.  The ballet teacher is a kind, funny man – who although he doesn’t look like he does ballet, his technique is effortless.  He shows us the steps while talking in “Ballenese” (Well, it’s just French really) – It takes a lot of concentration.. SO many movements to remember and each body part moves separately yet as one.  My mind is frazzled…

And then the music starts.. Beethoven, Sonata 14 – I recognize it.. instantly it transports me to a place of pure peace and joy.  My body becomes one with the music – "Plié" - the instructors words are careful and bold.. they fill my ears - I'm now listening with my body.. Mindful to pay attention and not just get lost in the music...

It feels amazing albeit I look like the equivalent of laundry being hurled into the air (the teacher’s words – not mine LOL)

There is something magical about Beethoven, Bach and Amadeus and Brams.

There is this thing in them.. those notes, those chords that reaches right into the depths of my core.  I feel a tender watering of a flower that was deemed dead.. and it blooms again…..

There is such joy in the season when pain and hurt is passed.. I know it will come again like winter comes, but each time we are all the readier all the stronger. And for now. – I bask in

What I started this blog with – my inescapable passions.. I dive into them.  With all of me.

Things I do. Things I believe.

I have a belief that it is not the “favored” or the ones who are “called to live an altruistic lifestyle”, or the “so inclined” who need to do good in the world.  After the horrific shooting in Colorado, and the Protest killings in the South African mines– I started realizing how truly broken and evil this world is.

Most people just don’t pay attention because frankly, it’s upsetting to our daily existence and anyway, what can we personally do about all that?  I firmly believe that while I (and you) can probably not stop loons from killing people, keep babies from going hungry 100% of the time, stop wars and genocide or stop sex slavery in totality – each of us MUST atleast try to fight every little injustice in our immediate lives in order to create some order and sanity to this world. Think of it – if every person helps another human being.. how much less violence and suffering we will have.   Some skeptical cynic might disagree..

I heard a saying on a movie the other day:  “you can’t change the world, it changes you.. and no one can truly save the world” – yeah … maybe.. but if we all stop trying.. then it will be an inevitability right? Why not atleast TRY – maybe.. just maybe SOMETHING can change.

It’s not about being a billionaire who can throw millions at a cause in Africa – we need that too.. but what if, instead of just spending every penny you earn on yourself, you buy some food for another person.. or whatever.. something. Something!!

I don’t know.  I can see people ignoring me too busy or too whatever.. what a radical concept  - I guess I must be a radical then. I know its too inconvenient.

Here is what I did last week.. we packed food for kids who have run away from abusive homes (or just home in general)..  living on the streets - we provide food, water, deodorant, sunscreen to them, also provide counseling and a safe place to sleep and shower.  Maybe one of these kids WON’T be a serial killer one day.. who knows.. I sure don’t.. but I know that I am compelled by being human to do what I can do.

When I tell people this they say: “you inspire me, what a great work you are doing.  so proud of what you do...Wow” and I get mad and irritated.. really? I’m doing a great work?? Really?… I’m just doing what needs doing,. That’s all.

 I don’t do It to feel good, to feel fulfilled, to fill a quota or for people to see me and say “you are a good person kudos to you”..  and I dont want people saying "thats so amazing, I admire you" - I do it because it needs to get done.  Is NOT amazing...   It doesnt have to be dramatic.. we ALL have to do it. Stop praising and admiring from your sofa those who do it, and get off your lazy, selfish butt and pitch in just once in a while. Or just ONCE at all. If that is ALL you can do.. it can make a difference... Yeah I sound like a psycho who thinks the world can change...

A friend of mine shared with me how she took care of her neighbors kids some days in order for her to go to work etc. And while minding them, she started helping them with school work, teaching them the importance of chores, also showing them how to take the bus and become independent. She also helped the mother get around since she can't drive.. so maybe these kids won't go start a war somewhere.. wouldnt that be great - if more of us did something like that?

Of course we all don’t have time to save anyone else.. whatever. Just saying.

That’s all..

Photos of my travels to LA....

10 Days in the City of Angels

Our company opened an office in LA and I took that as the perfect opportunity to spend some time in LA.  It turned out to be QUITE a week!

It started out by a long 5 hour drive, the drive itself went by quickly and it was very relaxing. Cleared my thoughts and felt very excited about being in LA.  I was staying at friends’ place who was away and it was nice to be in a new environment. Felt like I had moved into a new apartment in a new city ..starting a new job!

I had a full itinerary planned.  The traffic driving to and from work was horrendous.. It was just such a waste of time. But the days at work were nice, quiet office and walks in the city – having lunch at cool places and the weather was just perfect.

I took 2 days off as well to enjoy and be on a bit of a vacation.  I visited the Getty museum, went to Santa Monica Pier and Venice beach.  Driving down PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) - with the ocean on the one side and the mountains on the other, through Malibu.. watching the surfers emerge from the breakers, just gives you that California feeling.  The Hollywood sign in the distance gloating her ever present magnificance and impact on Humanity... "what dreams are made of" .. is what you will hear in the movies...

Your eyes ever searching for the sight of a Celebrity, a hot car or just enjoying the song in your head that Tom Cruise sang in Jerry Mcguire:..'Yeah I'm Freeeee--eeeeeee.. Free falling..." ha ha

Batman: "The Dark Knight Rises" - Awesome posters and adverts everywhere - on Hollywood Blvd. Batman and Bain were the 2 most famous characters.  And Despite the tragedy in association, people still chose to celebrate the art.  I was very happy about that. 

A few highlights was eating a boerewors roll (South African sausage on a hotdog bun) and watching the Olympics Opening ceremony at the Springbok Bar.  While there, I ran into a few celebs!  It was just exciting. I hung out with one of my best friends and we played beach volley ball (well, attempted beach volley ball) watched the sun set over the Venice beach ocean and just had a blast!

I also got to have dinner with another really close friend and mentor whom I hardly ever see, but who has been impacting my life for years. It was just wonderful.  Dreams of moving to LA started to take root again…

I must be honest though, the traffic is a put off.. and when I arrived back home,  it was a relief to not sit in hours upon hours of crazy traffic and smog.  But LA still calls my name….

I went to a few shops as well and also just spent money I don’t really have! Ha ha.

It was wonderful and I felt renewed inside.. My hopes and dreams for the future alive and well in my heart.

A poem I read today that I LOVE ( It has nothing to do with LA.. or does it?? ;) )

Absence

I have scarcely left you
When you go in me, crystalline,
Or trembling,
Or uneasy, wounded by me
Or overwhelmed with love, as
when your eyes
Close upon the gift of life
That without cease I give you.

My love,
We have found each other
Thirsty and we have
Drunk up all the water and the
Blood,
We found each other
Hungry
And we bit each other
As fire bites,
Leaving wounds in us.

But wait for me,
Keep for me your sweetness.
I will give you too
A rose.

Pablo Neruda

Pics will follow shortly.

July 4th and the week thereafter..

Yes, I am back on the rollercoaster!  This time going up.. or down (whichever is the better of the two!).  My health has improved tremendously - and like a person in AA might profess:  “I am 4 weeks and without "symptoms" :) hooray!

July 4th was the week after my trip to Colorado. I can't decide if it was the change in environment that caused the change in me, or if whatever plagued me had just run its course. Needless to say, I can’t be bothered to figure it out - I am just grateful. Prayer, faith and due diligence must play a part somehow.

I had to make a very speedy trip to Los Angeles on July 4^th to get some legal documents signed by the South African Embassy.  It was a nice drive and spent the day at Santa Monica Beach, people watching, eating seafood and just walking up and down the bustling streets.  Spent the evening with friends laughing and then crashed.

The next day, it was all business and I must give kudos to the SA Embassy in Beverley Hills. They were SO friendly and helpful - and it was a small piece of home.  Actually, I am yet to encounter a bad experience with the South African Embassy anywhere in the world. I remember my first trip to Italy - it was an adventure, a whirlwind of an adventure. By the time we arrived in Italy and went up and down the Southern coast with huge bags, short shorts, tanned skin, a train ticket and great expectations:  eating, laughing touring etc. - as you do.. we got back to Rome.. Penniless and still 7 days away from our return flight.  We made a trip to the South African Embassy – It was as if we had been in exile – we were SO happy to be there and hear South Africans talking and just see smiling faces!  We didn’t even have to mitigate our penniless plight. Copies of our passports and signed forms later - we had cash in hand and could continue a lovely and most memorable vacation.  After sleeping in the train station one night and many other adventure stories in between.

Ahhh Street-side cannelloni.. hooray.

I digress.

The week that followed July 4th was SO busy - I had girl’s night out catch-up sessions with my girlies.  Movies to catch up on.  And ofcourse all the causes for which I had signed up in April started calling me for help!  SO I was running around like a headless chicken.

Last Saturday, I worked at "Project C.U.R.E" - I think this is the one that I will be committing to this year - we packed medical supplies that gets sent all over the world to help people who have very little to none (people who have to re-use needles and bandages.. etc.).  One of the reasons I love living in America.. there is always plenty of everything - over flow.. and If I can help distribute all this abundance to the ones who don't have, that would be awesome.

My physical goals have gone rather south. I am struggling to get back on the wagon of feeling that I look great to myself.  I went from 102lbs in Denver to 109 in Phoenix. I was stuck on 109 - which was not THAT bad, I guess.. but now I am at like 112lbs – and the scale is stuck.. everyone says: "Muscle weighs more than fat".. yeah - no - That’s ALL fat on me haha.   SO I am trying to stick to my workouts and just cut out the junk.. you all know me and how I love food.. but atleast if I cut out sugar and junk… and portion size better, I should be able to get there before my trip to Lisbon In September.

This week, I have booked tickets for Thursday night to watch the “Dark Knight” trilogy – excited. J  Although Friday, is going to SUCK.. the last showing (the new and most important one) is at midnight, which means, I will get home around 3am!  So… I hope no-one at work expects anything amazing from me on Friday!

I am going to Los Angeles again this weekend, for about 10 days. My friend is away and has kindly agreed for me to stay at her place in Calabasas.  We have an office in LA now. This will be a little bit of a LSD trip for me (Look-see-Decide) – I know I am going to encounter the traffic and all the fun things that are downers for me about LA.. but it will atleast give me an idea of what to expect if I decide to relocate there.

I must be honest – Phoenix has now crept into my heart a little. I have started seeing the ability to plant roots here.  Even if it’s just for a year.. I hated this place – well, not the place, but the people.  People in Phoenix are SO hard to connect with.  I don’t know what it is.. if you are not blonde no one could be bothered to even be friendly to you – have you ever heard of anything more bizarre?  Not sure what it is, I have made some nice friends here.. but are they are “for-lifers”? Not so sure.  Nevertheless I have found some worthy causes, and the heat hasn’t killed me yet!!

SO we shall see what is in store.

I will post after my LA adventure. J

Trip to Denver, Colorado - June 2012

It is kind of strange that I was so excited to go to Denver, since I lived there for 2 years. I must admit Denver is always a fun place. Not to mention the really good friends I made there, reconnecting with the folks that I worked with is so great – we laugh so much , it’s like no time has passed. I made the nicest friends at Quark, genuine people and friends for life. This last 10 days out there had me romanticising ideas of moving back, but I had to remind myself how much I did NOT like the snow!

Visiting was great – I loved all the walking, the nice cooler weather. The green trees, cute squirrels everywhere, a lot of gay people and their outlandish parades – I love it all. Hiking up beautiful mountains, eating great food and drinking wonderful wine. Somehow In Denver I could care less about dieting and I don’t ever gain any weight.. Must be all the walking. My birthday was spent there as well – although the day itself was uneventful, Saturday night was dinner and lounging in downtown and the week and all the activities just gave me a new wind in my sails.

So here I am 37 came upon me.. and I must say, it was a bit of an anti-climax.. When I wake up on the morning of my birthday I always have a burst of excitement, butterflies in my stomach. Birthdays are so nice in my opinion – you just don’t know who will call or what will happen – it’s great expectation. I got home to a lovely birthday surprise on Sunday though. :D Next year PARTY baby – PARTYYYY!!

I returned home feeling really recharged. I also learned a lot about myself and the people in my life and it gave me a new perspective. Don’t you just love perspective.. It’s like a light bulb goes on..

I will live in the city again. Now is just my time for Phoenix. I have wrestled with it for a while.. and California kept haunting the corners of my desires. But I have now found peace in the short term in my hot-as-hell home for the moment!

My next adventure is to Lisbon -> September. What lies between now and then I believe only great and wonderful things J

Quick blurb.
The past few weeks I have just been laying low.  Memorial Day weekend was really great, I had a spa day and great food, good conversation and just an all-out chill-out session.  This heat of Arizona is really no joke.  I do everything possible to stay out of the sun at all times.. but that just means at home eating everything in site.. or at the mall buying everything in sight.. I blame Arizona if I am fat and broke by winter!

I have so many things happening in the weeks to come, that I am glad that the past month has been very low key.  I have the sale of my house pending, then sorting all that stuff out via email and text! I have a possible trip to Bordeaux and Lisbon with my very precious friend..

So in the interest of getting integrated in the culture of Arizona – I joined a few things.

Ok let me give you a bit of background first:  I never really made any friends here in PHX and the reason was because I never intended on staying. I always felt that I would very soon be moving to California and settle there. However life had some other plans in the short term and it seems I am here for atleast another year.. so in light of that revelation: I decided to join a girls Meet-up group.    I also entered my name into a BUNCH of Volunteering opportunities.

Next weekend I will be helping a group called “new Beginnings” we are helping Single / teenage mums deal with their pregnancies in various ways. Counseling, supplies etc.  I am also packing medical supplies for kids in 3^rd world countries with “Project C.U.R.E” – and in between I have offered my help to a charity clothing store and the Phoenix Dream Center.. ermm over committed much?  Meh.. you know me: Go big or go home! Ha ha

I will be travelling to Denver on Friday for a week.. ahhh fresh Mountain air and grass.. green trees.. cannot wait! 

See you on the flip side of Colorado...

Let Me Disappear...

I have had 2 weekends of pure indulging - lounging around, reading, eating, doing a lot of nothing.  When I do that, it really gets me relaxed, but it also gets me thinking.  The first Saturday that I did that, the sermon at church was about ‘taking God’s destiny for your life' – about plans, and how dreams don’t just appear one day by surprise. Kind of like a baby – it doesn’t just pop out “Surprise!!”  it gets made.. nurtured….it grows slowly (and then birthed in pain, agony and tears - but then they tell me.. joy comes :).

You have to make a plan and take a road, commit in faith and start walking.    And it had me thinking.  I had been doing that with passion and with purpose.. --> up to a point.  And then finding myself on the other side of my Greencard, I realized, I had fallen asleep on the side of my road.

Have you ever dozed off for a few minutes and then woken up not even knowing where you are for a few minutes?  You know that dazed state of confusion just before the clarity.  If you know me, or have ever read my blog, you will know that I am a firecracker with a lot of dreams and no time to waste.  Well, in essence, I think that chick is fast asleep these days.  The problem with having dreams and having them all fulfilled to the max and more at a young age is, what happens when it’s done by age 35?  Then what?

I was talking to my life coach the other day, and I was telling him this story about how, maybe now is the time for me to have that “regular” kind of life just until I can think of "new dreams" I want (other than travelling the world and helping people)…  And he said something that kinda stopped me in my tracks.  He said: “Delise, if you have already fulfilled EVERY dream you HAVE ever had, then you didn’t dream big enough in the first place.. how can someone with so much passion have nothing HUGE to reach for?”  And I realized through our 3 hour conversation and all of my reasoning that it’s not that I don’t have dreams, goals or desires.. I am just at that crossroad..  fallen asleep on the side of the road… Perhaps.

The reason I entitled this blog: “let me disappear” is because I have come to the conclusion that I am standing in my own way.  The struggles I have had in the past 2 years with my Greencard and my health (and the myriad of other excuses) have rendered me passive and thus convinced me that I now need to eat, work, sleep, have a little fun and laughter here and there and be happy with just THAT, because after all isn’t that what the vast majority of humanity does? 

That self that has taken over the firecracker needs to leave the building. 

The trouble is, major setbacks are really hard to just bounce back from – and I found that over time (be it age or realization) it gets harder.   I read the memoirs of Ashley Judd “All that is bitter and sweet”… I cried probably for 4 days.. her book is so passionate, aggressively, fiercely, furiously and harshly passionate.  How she cares for hurting people. How she was drowning in her own despair and loneliness at the same time..  parts of her book made me want to just up and leave my life and go be a Mother Theresa in a 3rd world country .. a lot of those sections made me loathe my luxurious existence and I was moved at the plight of the poor and hurting - feeling inadequate and guilty for not doing enough.  The other half of the book made me realize there is humanity in us all.  Demons, struggles, weaknesses, fears and failures.  Her courage to share hers so openly gave me some of my own to share mine.

I have spoken plenty in the past about the lack of really true friendships I have gained in the USA – and all the reasons for them – when I was in a pit of dispair and heart wrenched recently, my friends in South Africa stepped up to the plate and pulled me out of my despair with encouragement, tough love, embracing me, crying with me and pouring out on me love and humility.   That’s what true friendship is.   I was so grateful and so touched that no matter the distance, those who love you, will love you in action. 

However, one needs people in your physical inner circle, too. And I guess the majority of the reason that I find myself in this precarious place, is my own choosing.  I felt like I had slipped through a tiny crack and just can’t get myself all the way in or all the way out.  Have you watched the movie : “127 Hours”?  The one where James Franco is stuck in the Grand Canyon.. and how when he finally realizes no one and nothing can help him out – he would either die there or die trying to get out.. and if you recall the sheer brutality, inhumanity, undignified things he had to do in order to be free.. the possibility of life drove him to do things that no human in regular mind would fathom… I thought about it this week again in tears.

I need to get a little undignified in my heart towards the mediocrity that has overtaken me.. and I need to disappear.. and re-emerge..

                                                                         .......with fire.

Fire and Ice – Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.