I have had 2 weekends of pure indulging - lounging around, reading, eating, doing a lot of nothing. When I do that, it really gets me relaxed, but it also gets me thinking. The first Saturday that I did that, the sermon at church was about ‘taking God’s destiny for your life' – about plans, and how dreams don’t just appear one day by surprise. Kind of like a baby – it doesn’t just pop out “Surprise!!” it gets made.. nurtured….it grows slowly (and then birthed in pain, agony and tears - but then they tell me.. joy comes :).
You have to make a plan and take a road, commit in faith and start walking. And it had me thinking. I had been doing that with passion and with purpose.. --> up to a point. And then finding myself on the other side of my Greencard, I realized, I had fallen asleep on the side of my road.
Have you ever dozed off for a few minutes and then woken up not even knowing where you are for a few minutes? You know that dazed state of confusion just before the clarity. If you know me, or have ever read my blog, you will know that I am a firecracker with a lot of dreams and no time to waste. Well, in essence, I think that chick is fast asleep these days. The problem with having dreams and having them all fulfilled to the max and more at a young age is, what happens when it’s done by age 35? Then what?
I was talking to my life coach the other day, and I was telling him this story about how, maybe now is the time for me to have that “regular” kind of life just until I can think of "new dreams" I want (other than travelling the world and helping people)… And he said something that kinda stopped me in my tracks. He said: “Delise, if you have already fulfilled EVERY dream you HAVE ever had, then you didn’t dream big enough in the first place.. how can someone with so much passion have nothing HUGE to reach for?” And I realized through our 3 hour conversation and all of my reasoning that it’s not that I don’t have dreams, goals or desires.. I am just at that crossroad.. fallen asleep on the side of the road… Perhaps.
The reason I entitled this blog: “let me disappear” is because I have come to the conclusion that I am standing in my own way. The struggles I have had in the past 2 years with my Greencard and my health (and the myriad of other excuses) have rendered me passive and thus convinced me that I now need to eat, work, sleep, have a little fun and laughter here and there and be happy with just THAT, because after all isn’t that what the vast majority of humanity does?
That self that has taken over the firecracker needs to leave the building.
The trouble is, major setbacks are really hard to just bounce back from – and I found that over time (be it age or realization) it gets harder. I read the memoirs of Ashley Judd “All that is bitter and sweet”… I cried probably for 4 days.. her book is so passionate, aggressively, fiercely, furiously and harshly passionate. How she cares for hurting people. How she was drowning in her own despair and loneliness at the same time.. parts of her book made me want to just up and leave my life and go be a Mother Theresa in a 3rd world country .. a lot of those sections made me loathe my luxurious existence and I was moved at the plight of the poor and hurting - feeling inadequate and guilty for not doing enough. The other half of the book made me realize there is humanity in us all. Demons, struggles, weaknesses, fears and failures. Her courage to share hers so openly gave me some of my own to share mine.
I have spoken plenty in the past about the lack of really true friendships I have gained in the USA – and all the reasons for them – when I was in a pit of dispair and heart wrenched recently, my friends in South Africa stepped up to the plate and pulled me out of my despair with encouragement, tough love, embracing me, crying with me and pouring out on me love and humility. That’s what true friendship is. I was so grateful and so touched that no matter the distance, those who love you, will love you in action.
However, one needs people in your physical inner circle, too. And I guess the majority of the reason that I find myself in this precarious place, is my own choosing. I felt like I had slipped through a tiny crack and just can’t get myself all the way in or all the way out. Have you watched the movie : “127 Hours”? The one where James Franco is stuck in the Grand Canyon.. and how when he finally realizes no one and nothing can help him out – he would either die there or die trying to get out.. and if you recall the sheer brutality, inhumanity, undignified things he had to do in order to be free.. the possibility of life drove him to do things that no human in regular mind would fathom… I thought about it this week again in tears.
However, one needs people in your physical inner circle, too. And I guess the majority of the reason that I find myself in this precarious place, is my own choosing. I felt like I had slipped through a tiny crack and just can’t get myself all the way in or all the way out. Have you watched the movie : “127 Hours”? The one where James Franco is stuck in the Grand Canyon.. and how when he finally realizes no one and nothing can help him out – he would either die there or die trying to get out.. and if you recall the sheer brutality, inhumanity, undignified things he had to do in order to be free.. the possibility of life drove him to do things that no human in regular mind would fathom… I thought about it this week again in tears.
I need to get a little undignified in my heart towards the mediocrity that has overtaken me.. and I need to disappear.. and re-emerge..
.......with fire.
.......with fire.
Fire and Ice – Robert Frost
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
