HARD PLACES

Through all the joy that comes around in my life [and this year in particular] I STOPto be grateful -> to laugh, enjoy every moment and feel conscious of the blessings I have been undeservedly given. I live in it and just take it all in.  Then, every now and again I find myself in that place where I let parts of myself go, I share heartaches with someone and it opens a wound again.  I love opening wounds, because it is a reminder of the strength I have developed through overcoming adversity in my life. But it hurts.

A great faith washes through me, my breath dies a little and I sit and relive some things and wonder how I ever got through it.  I’ve felt an aching pain in my chest the past few days. Not literally, but its familiar, all semblance of grace and joy leaves me for a few minutes – surrounded by a darkness of the soul.

I am constantly being engaged in the process of spiritual refinement. I sometimes wish that when pain becomes a scar, that it will forever remain unfelt.. But not so is life. And I think God in His purpose created it that way – it is what makes us alive.. why should we not want to embrace our pain which shapes us more than our joys?

It is definitely a mysterious and challenging existence.

The deeper I step into the landscape of events past, the more I find pieces of myself there.  A little child left behind in a corner – or a woman aching from her soul. I  have dreams of “what could have been” if innocence remained. Then again, innocence is like time.. you cannot hold onto it, no matter how you try. Once its gone – its just gone.

My own spiritual journey began with a passionate longing for God and has led me through the gardens and fires of each day of my life.  Being so married. So committed. So involved. So inlove. So intune. With South Africa, my soul mate, my love, my life, my wind , my breath, My past. My future, my known, my unknown...

I don’t know – these are just “ramblings of a mind unplugged” today I guess…

I look at people as a scattered tribe of souls that God has commissioned me to gather together and love. Help. Nurture. Round up and carry on. And I have been so enveloped in my own joys and my own hurts that I have forgotten them too many times to count.

BUT - Love always seems to find my emptiness knows just how to fill me up again. I know to some I am being cryptic.. But I know to those who know.. will know where I am coming from.

It’s my day to just ramble and put thoughts onto paper.. as my soul cries out STOP – for a minute. I want to breathe!

I want to remove myself from the world for a minute and the disquietudes of this life and just think. In a technologically driven world, I find this a painful chore. Especially because of the job I have – my entire life-bread depends on me being perpetually being glued to my phone, my computer – my mind never has the luxury to switch off and disconnect.

I want to make a covenant with silence for a day – but it’s impossible.. People… need.. me….

Isn’t that the mantra we all sing? Ugh Oh! Its annoying. People think because I live alone that it’s easy to shut the world out. It calls to me through mediums that sometimes I would rather just throw out the window.. But I cant. Because that house.. that I live in alone.. gets paid by the people who reach to me all the freaking time!!

So.. anyway.. here I am.

Memories of loss and pain
Desires for solitude and comfort
I will be me again.
Tomorrow.

So this had me thinking…

 Albany

I went to a wedding in Albany, NY a few weeks ago. WOW! What fun. It was wonderful to see the changing of the leaves. As you know, I reside in the desert and all we have here is dirt and hot weather!  I played in the leaves, I danced under the grey angry sky and I twirked with a lesbian.

I did get stuck there one night longer, so that was a little stressful. But it was a fun little trip.

I have been working on quite a few projects, spending time with the people in my life and working really hard. I am starting to think of my next vacation and where that may be.. I am a little cash strapped right now, so Paris might have to wait till next year.

I look at my life now and how settled I am, compared to the past.  I guess your life just balances itself out eventually.  Well, and it isn’t so much that I wasn’t settled before, but I feel like my gypsy heart is at a resting place. Don’t mistake being settled for being complacent.

I still have my challenges. My weight has sky rocketed and I find myself in that endless fight to get it down. I am currently at 117lbs.. Which is 17lbs more than I was 3 years ago. Depressing. I write it on here because its sad, and I hope that announcing my defeat to the world might make me more motivated to change it..

So, I was working on a little gift / art project and one of the creative items I was looking for was words.. those cut outs that you can creatively stick on things to make it look cool. I realized that not one store had the word passion!   I saw “Love”, “Romance”, “Cheers” etc.. it had me wondering about this current culture that we live in.. is it just an over sight, a word used only in sexual context or is it that our generation really don’t have or live with passion?

I love the word ‘passion’ – I think people use it flippantly or sexually. Ofcouse it DOES have that connotation. But to me, I have always been intrigued by  and drawn to people who do things with passion or who display an unwavering conviction and excitement for whatever it is they do.  I find it very interesting that the word actually comes from the Latin word “pati” – which means to ‘Suffer”.. it’s a strong aching for something, a painful forceful, volcanic need for something or someone.

I guess I have always written my life story on the fiery pages of pain, aching, conviction, ardent, boundless, limitless, powerful, furious forces of passion…

I don’t know –call me crazy, but why would you want to live any other way??

So, I have been having a go at taking care of a dog.  Remember how I have always wanted  a St. Bernard.. and how I wanted to be Heidi like my whole life – even though I have had a terrifying fear of dogs my whole life lol – yep ever the Condondrum -   Well, this dog is about that size. Very well trained.  But I think I have been cured of wanted a big dog. No scratch that.. I have been cured of ever wanting a dog.. I will go on dreaming I can float on clouds and own a fluffer J