HARD PLACES

Through all the joy that comes around in my life [and this year in particular] I STOPto be grateful -> to laugh, enjoy every moment and feel conscious of the blessings I have been undeservedly given. I live in it and just take it all in.  Then, every now and again I find myself in that place where I let parts of myself go, I share heartaches with someone and it opens a wound again.  I love opening wounds, because it is a reminder of the strength I have developed through overcoming adversity in my life. But it hurts.

A great faith washes through me, my breath dies a little and I sit and relive some things and wonder how I ever got through it.  I’ve felt an aching pain in my chest the past few days. Not literally, but its familiar, all semblance of grace and joy leaves me for a few minutes – surrounded by a darkness of the soul.

I am constantly being engaged in the process of spiritual refinement. I sometimes wish that when pain becomes a scar, that it will forever remain unfelt.. But not so is life. And I think God in His purpose created it that way – it is what makes us alive.. why should we not want to embrace our pain which shapes us more than our joys?

It is definitely a mysterious and challenging existence.

The deeper I step into the landscape of events past, the more I find pieces of myself there.  A little child left behind in a corner – or a woman aching from her soul. I  have dreams of “what could have been” if innocence remained. Then again, innocence is like time.. you cannot hold onto it, no matter how you try. Once its gone – its just gone.

My own spiritual journey began with a passionate longing for God and has led me through the gardens and fires of each day of my life.  Being so married. So committed. So involved. So inlove. So intune. With South Africa, my soul mate, my love, my life, my wind , my breath, My past. My future, my known, my unknown...

I don’t know – these are just “ramblings of a mind unplugged” today I guess…

I look at people as a scattered tribe of souls that God has commissioned me to gather together and love. Help. Nurture. Round up and carry on. And I have been so enveloped in my own joys and my own hurts that I have forgotten them too many times to count.

BUT - Love always seems to find my emptiness knows just how to fill me up again. I know to some I am being cryptic.. But I know to those who know.. will know where I am coming from.

It’s my day to just ramble and put thoughts onto paper.. as my soul cries out STOP – for a minute. I want to breathe!

I want to remove myself from the world for a minute and the disquietudes of this life and just think. In a technologically driven world, I find this a painful chore. Especially because of the job I have – my entire life-bread depends on me being perpetually being glued to my phone, my computer – my mind never has the luxury to switch off and disconnect.

I want to make a covenant with silence for a day – but it’s impossible.. People… need.. me….

Isn’t that the mantra we all sing? Ugh Oh! Its annoying. People think because I live alone that it’s easy to shut the world out. It calls to me through mediums that sometimes I would rather just throw out the window.. But I cant. Because that house.. that I live in alone.. gets paid by the people who reach to me all the freaking time!!

So.. anyway.. here I am.

Memories of loss and pain
Desires for solitude and comfort
I will be me again.
Tomorrow.