I Got Lost for a Minute.....

Hello folks.. This is a mindless ramble that I just had to add.... It might not be grammatically perfect .. but it is raw. from the heart :)...

My Life in a Collage of Madness Over the Years:

After my very mellow New Years’ Eve – I was [Well, I thought I was] ready for the New Year and all of its exciting new adventures.

Every New Year, I have a renewed sense of vision.  I take stock of the past.  Celebrate it, celebrate all my travels, my memories, my achievements, acknowledge my failures, points of growth, hurts and disappointments – put them down in my log of life, then close the door and start again.  I usually have a vigor, energy and excitement about what is to come. As generally, it seems life seems to favor me with good things....

This year, however,  seemed to roll into a very bizarre space for me.  As my family from South Africa went on their way at the end of 2014,  after a good and (I have to admit) somewhat strange visit - it just felt like we were disconnected somehow...- I thought I would feel invigorated, connecting with home again would make me feel a sense of wholeness... But actually this time round, I felt displaced.   And now, my life as a part of a family starts.

It all happened far too quickly I think.

When I started this blog journey way back in 2006 - I was determined that I would live my authentic life. In truth. Bare as it may come - Whether I look back and say: "Dam my life was shitty :(!!"  or "Bam!! My life was amazing :)" ... I was .going to record it ALL...

Along the way, I have met some really great people and had some amazing experiences.  From Race Cars, to Celebrities. From Traveling the world to Saving the world.  Even in South Africa, it seemed that the world of fame, fortune, cars, money, luxury and opulence was bound to follow me.. and it always seemed that I was somehow destined to be around it while at the same time giving of myself to others in need, almost as if that was meant to bring balance to live out my calling with humility..

After the end of my marriage, I wondered what really lies next for me. Most of the above lifestyle was tied to the person I had spent 22 years with.

[**Quick Side Note:  A friend asked me to write some of my dating and working with Celeb stories, she actually wants me to publish a book about my experiences.. ha ha ha Maybe I will blog about that next time.. for FUN!]

I went on a few dates with some famous people, some infamous people and some really rather-to-be forgotten people.  I was determined to focus on not finding a lifestyle, a security blanket, an experience or a vision of a life I might have…  But rather find passion, romance, connection, friendship. Real, true authentic feelings, love and devotion.

Before I started dating, I decided to develop my own security blanket financially. I went after the money. Stability.

I landed a rather great job – albeit bland and uneventful compared to what I had done before.

An office job, same routine day-in-day out. But its sole purpose was to pay me really well. I would work hard and get PAID> like really paid.  Not have some job I find "fulfillment" in.. I aimed to have an 8-5 honest grind. Whatever it is and go home with a good paycheck.  Many people kept on asking me if this is what I wanted to "do with my life" - Bleh boring.. No - this is what I wanted with no immediate obligations, so that I can just enjoy this line from a song:

The shoes on my feet

I bought it

The clothes Im wearing

I bought it

the Rock Im rocking 

I bought it

Cause I depend on me

If I wanted the watch your wearing

I'll buy it

The house I live in 

I bought it

The car I'm driving 

I bought it

Cause I depend on me.

And that is exactly what I did.

 So, I decided I would establish my own identity in this anonymous, environment where no one really knew me well. Happy Hour with the girls from work.  Normal.  A boring, silent admin machine. No one really knowing the life I had just come out of. I liked it.   Drive a nice car. Live in a nice apartment.  Still staying connected to my celebrity friends and keeping connections alive, staying tuned in with my Life Coach.   Have a closet to die for. Designer crap everywhere.

I was my own version of success. I was making movies with my friends in the business. Doing Volunteer work every week. Going to movies and expensive restaurants alone and with a ton of friends.  Workouts with P90X and getting a great bikini body - laying out by Hotel pools getting drinks bought for me.  Traveling around the world and the USA. Dancing ballet 5 times a week. Single. Young. Free. Independent.  "Self" made.

Selfies! LOL

Then in 2013, I decided to try to online dating thing.

I met the guy.

And he, too, was anonymous. Call it a regular blue collar guy, two kids, regular life. Hadn't traveled much. Previously married and "stuck" in the family life for 10 years. Divorced screwed him over, not much money or "stuff" to his name. Worked a regular everyday job, struggled financially, making ends meet for the kids. Just a happy go lucky, devil may care, I love life, and  I'll get through anything kinda guy.

 [Profile: Think Noah.. from the "Notebook"]

like THAT!

-  what we found together was rather irregular. A love  so hot. We found that "thing" - A connection.

love, real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love .. that love was not in an expensive suite, in a lovely hotel..or in Paris... It was in a no-mans land in Maricopa.....

It was as if two weird constellations collided:

Pause for definition:
A Constellation is a group of stars forming a recognizable pattern that is traditionally named after its apparent form or identified with a mythological figure. Modern astronomers divide the sky into eighty-eight constellations with defined boundaries.

The mythology of love, the defined and undefined boundaries of passion and romance just struck us like lightening.

And suddenly, it was like a relief..  no worrying about other people - who knows me, who doesn't know me was so unimportant. Who has money, who doesn't have money.  What can we have (things, titles, fame, money etc) what we cannot have....

We just found something undefinable and something that you can't just manufacture, buy or fake.

So, we started our own little adventure and my world became increasingly smaller.  But my heart increasingly bigger.

Ofcourse we had our struggles, challenges.. But we plowed on.

Roll in 2015.

We moved in together after a tough year – we were so relieved to be together, be able to move to Phase II Of our relationship and see what life has to offer us. 2014 was a year of constant juggling for time... and finally we will now have the opportunity to get to know other, deeper dimensions of each other - daily life and all that jazz...

But the wheels soon fell off…. I should say - Immediately.

Painting a picture.

With the kids / the dog / all the stuff in my home / routines / dance / homework / sleep schedules / work schedules / routines / family events – I sat and thought.. This is too much. I suddenly had visions of me disappearing into the suburbs, looking like a stay home frumpy old fat soccer mom. All of a sudden I realized, I am over worked, out of shape. I have no game plan for my life - nothing feels right. I looked at my bank account and it was atrocious. My debt level far outweighs my net worth. I had NO debt before I had this "PAYING" job!   How do I get paid so much and have nothing to show for it.

What happened????? P--A--N--I--C (with a K even)

How did I Get here?? 

How did I choose this life..?? WHAT the FRONT DOOR

No more travel. No more saving the world whenever I want. No more making movies. No more girls’ nights out at the clubs flirting with hot guys…(Or whatever!), no more bikini body, perfect skin, no more  30's and carefree, no more walks to and from without checking in with anyone,  no more spontaneity and in the moment fun.. In fact NO MORE FUN!! -

no more movies alone or  shopping for accessories and clothes and having cocktails in the middle of the day with whoever is free! No more singing in the rain in short skirts. (Wait what?? LOL)

**$$##@@!! I panicked. Irrationality took a hold of me.

I got lost between the past fantastic life I’ve  had and the dream in my heart for romance and passion [ which suddenly felt like I was sacrificing a great , simple, indulgent lifestyle for an infatuation!!] with a reality of constant dirty dishes, laundry, homework and very little simplicity and fun..  My life flashed before my eyes and it was only week one.  I felt like someone [up there] - was playing a prank and laughing hysterically.....

Just as I was about to call a HUGE time-out and say: “Honey I am sorry, I made a mistake, this isn't the life that I signed up for in my head”…. A few crazy things happened in the midst of chaos:

First: My boss confirmed he wants me to travel with him to Singapore for a few weeks… This presented an opportunity for me to indulge in some alone time in a foreign land for a little while, without too much compromise in the moment. And get a huge financial break in the process for our family.

Second: A famous friend of mine (whom shall remain anonymous) – sends me this email…

“Delise, I apologize it has been too long - I have been in “hiding” staggered by the human capacity for suffering as you are so well acquainted with. I was in Abidjan a week ago… and you came to my mind. I saw your face and your smile was gone.  I needed with urgency to write to you and say – You're in your place. Keep your head up. “Be Still and Know that I am God – Psalm 46:10. Love, A.”

  So, if one ever doubts there is a God – then SOMEONE In the universe knows how to put a coincidence in my favor. Just about the time I am thinking of throwing in the towel – an Angel – who is so famous, if I said her name you would be shocked..  would take time out of her day and remember a nobody girl she once met by accident, who was a fan, read her book, gushed over her movies and one sunny day in California we transferred smiles and a quick conversation which turned into an exchange of details became a friendship bound together by a common thread of compassion for humanity.

 And here I am in tears over my life lamenting what I think I am inevitably doomed to be and have.. she walks out of nowhere onto the pages of my email and breathes new life into my soul.

Did anything change?  Nope.. But what can hope not start???!!  That night I went home and both my man and I were at the point of despair. We hugged and cried..   He, too wanted to give it all up for my sake.. I was acting like I had been imprisoned by him and his life and he was just about willing to set me free for my OWN sake!!!

 But in that moment, I just KNEW -  This is where I belong.

Third: I got a call from the Phoenix Dream Center.  Oh, yes you remember – the very reason I ever decided to come to this country?... They asked If I wanted to pick up my research projects on Drug Addition that I had done for them a few years ago. Where will I find the time? Oh, You know.. I will find it!

Fourth: Text from my life coach:  This is your year - Life begins at 40. You are exactly where you are meant to Be. Reach higher, go further. Never quit on your dreams, never take no for an answer. Conquer. Don't settle - you are amazing in any circumstance, in any situation you rule it - go rock it!!

And  Just like that –

God gives me that thing.... You know... HOPE - FAITH - KICK - ENCOURAGEMENT

[**Second Side note: People have asked me   Ad nauseam


Why I don't just date the famous people I can connect with, or some rich dude with no kids.... [ or atleast 5 nannies that come with the kids! or some other version of the "everyday girls' fantasy]

I have to laugh... out .. loud.. Literally...

I have now learned that by choosing love over every material thing of this life, I can truly have it all.

Ofcourse, the things I love, will be done in smaller doses.  And I am not ignorant to the fact that there are some aspects which are my own negligence and I have to work pretty hard to get back what used to come naturally before. I get it.

It is all about inspiration. In whatever form it comes. Something that gives you hope. That re-lights your fire, just a little.

Now I see my man, the one I honor and adore – in his simplicity – has the biggest heart with all his many flaws and quirks.. how much he loves me. And his two girls whom I have inherited, not only to experience them learning about this life and having their resounding laughter echo through my soul.. but two young ladies whom I have much to show, teach and be an example for. If that right there isn’t where you start saving the world.. then I don’t know where...

And in this simple life, I found all of what I was made to be...

So , now with my non-designer closet [which does not fit anymore anyway], my 12 extra pounds around the waist, debt up to my ears, empty bank account.. and A few lessons learnt along the way..

I say with Mother Teresa and with complete confidence and peace:

“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.”

 And that my friends.. is how in 2015.... I endeavor to do the following:

Be the "Mother AND the Princess"... 

Knit , sew, play. Laugh, do homework, put kids to bed, love my man to pieces, go to Singapore for a month, do feed my starving children, sit at my desk and manage calendars, workout 25-minutes a day, try to eat better, make my clothes fit again, pay my debt off little by little, feed the dog, smile at the annoying neighbors, watch a movie, get caught up on F1,  catch up with my life coach, stay in touch with my famous friends from my suburban home while watching netflix, be bored,   find new hobbies … and do my life..  

Little......

                   by ......
                                     little........

                                                 with LOVE , FAITH and Giuliana & Bill Rancic  [don't ask!!]

That, my friends is how the world can be saved.. atleast the world that I am meant to save...

We each have our own portion of it to save - And while doing so, we each need to aspire to our highest happiness, our truest selves, our deepest loves and our sincerest devotions to whatever we believe in.

From MY inside out....

And because of the love of a true friend .... I was found..