Well, I sat in bed last night after cleaning the house top
to bottom.
Quick Side note on cleaning:
I love cleaning. I always had
Patience (The person not the emotion) to clean for me, and she was magic. She
worked for me 2 days a week and on those two days, I would come home to a house
smelling sweet, windows open with the fresh African breeze blowing through
it.
Everything neatly in its place. All the clothing washed,
ironed and folded.. bliss. I miss that!
This is Patience.. doesn’t she just look like a bad ass?
Hell yeah!
Living on my own was ok, cleaning was a breeze – now ->
our home is blessed with 4 of us and the other 3 leave much to be desired as
far as being neat! Drives me insane. But I would rather clean it all promptly
than get aggravated with what I have to live with. #battlechosen! :D
Back to my point…
As we all know, I am in the process (slow and painful) of
writing my memoir. I have had such a great life behind me hosting so many great
and terrible experiences, I am very excited about this book.
However, it is
becoming such a chore and a project to complete. But I
know I can do it.
Do you remember the series: “Friends” – My favorite series
of all time? Each Episode was entitled:
“The one with the…” So I decided to write a few previews from my memoir with those
titles in no particular order at all:
#1
The One with the Room-Mate
Remember a few blogs ago I wrote about me moving and all the
places I lived in while in the USA?
Well, while I was living in Optima (The Palatial Condo in Scottsdale, Arizona), Craig had to go on job assignments in California. The only caveat was, he had to pay for his own apartment out there.
So, we could not afford two sets of rent and we were in a lease at Optima, plus – it was temporary so we didn’t want to lose out or have to give up the beautiful apartment. I decided in my brilliance to look for a room-mate. The Apartment was certainly big enough, I was not at home very much, because I was out making movies. Filming could start at like 9am after my P90x workout and go until Midnight some days. All I ate was potato chips and drank Gatorade and I was in the best shape ever!
Well, while I was living in Optima (The Palatial Condo in Scottsdale, Arizona), Craig had to go on job assignments in California. The only caveat was, he had to pay for his own apartment out there.
So, we could not afford two sets of rent and we were in a lease at Optima, plus – it was temporary so we didn’t want to lose out or have to give up the beautiful apartment. I decided in my brilliance to look for a room-mate. The Apartment was certainly big enough, I was not at home very much, because I was out making movies. Filming could start at like 9am after my P90x workout and go until Midnight some days. All I ate was potato chips and drank Gatorade and I was in the best shape ever!
So I went onto Craigslist and placed an ad. Very simple one.
I got this very nice response:
“A little about myself - I am a 31 yo
responsible, clean, friendly professional female that is currently out of State. I
have a job offer already so now I am looking for a place to live in
Scottsdale when I move back.”
This girl and I then corresponded on email and it seemed to
be a good fit. But both her and I were naturally skeptical – I mean come on, I
am from South Africa, this does not
happen, and even in places where crime is low, one still needs to be on guard.
So, we met for dinner at a public place. Sure enough, she was young, professional and seemed sane enough. We talked and exchanged ID cards and proof of our identity. We decided to give it a go. We had a lease drawn up – took copies of each other’s driver’s license etc. I saw that she drove a BMW, took a copy of it and the license plate. Just being super cautious.
So, we met for dinner at a public place. Sure enough, she was young, professional and seemed sane enough. We talked and exchanged ID cards and proof of our identity. We decided to give it a go. We had a lease drawn up – took copies of each other’s driver’s license etc. I saw that she drove a BMW, took a copy of it and the license plate. Just being super cautious.
The weekend she moved in was really weird, her parents who were originally from India didn't speak any English at all. As they helped her move in, I noticed something very strange.
THEY were the ones moving her in. She sat chewing gum, texting on her phone,
while her mom slowly packed things away. Her mom even hurled her heavy bags into the Apartment while she pointed to where they need to go. She proceeded to dump her stuff everywhere
and bark orders and her parents. Not my
business. I left them alone to do their thing. My thinking was: "As long as she doesn’t destroy
my place, rob me of my kidneys and she pays her rent… whatever." pfft. Yeah. (Mind you she was in her 30's - not a college kid!)
As days passed, things seemed ok. I was out filming movies, working out and
working a lot. The first month went by
and I started to relax. Everything was fine. She was a working professional and seemed very quiet. I didn’t mind her morning
music blaring in the bathroom because my room was way in the back and we never really
passed each other. I did however have to walk by her room and bathroom to leave
and enter my passageway and bedroom.
I never bothered with anything, except one day she was gone and had left her room door open for the first time. It smelled like stale food and body odor. I peeked in and it looked like the slob apocalypse had happened.
I sent her a friendly email, just asking her not to leave food in her room because of the smell. That is when it all started. I would get a text that she had locked herself out of the apartment and I needed to drop everything and come open up for her. When I wasn’t able to get home soon enough, she would write me rude texts about her being locked out. One day I got a text about ants in her room (are you shocked??) – She demanded I get an exterminator come immediately. She even threatened not to pay the rent. (I told her that even if I was willing to get an exterminator for ANTS they would need to navigate through the filth she lives in!).
I walked into the apartment one Friday night and there was a huge Football player looking dude sitting on my couch sipping on MYwhite wine. One of my rules was NO people over without notice and no sleepovers. At first I got the shock of my life, but soon realized that a murderer slash thief probably wouldn’t have the audacity to relax and drink wine. They are both lucky I wasn't packing heat, walking into a house with a stranger sitting there and the roommate is nowhere in sight - stupid!
One time, I had a friend visiting and we were sitting in the living room watching a show.
I had a TV in my bedroom, so I never used the living room, but my friend was a guy and I felt more comfortable in MY living room. When the roommate gets home, she grabs a drink from the fridge and sits down next to us: "what are you guys watching" and proceeds to start a LONG conversation throughout the entire show!
She also started to refer to the Apartment as HER apartment and told people on the phone I was her Roomie.. She also used all my Tupperware, broke 6 of my 8 wine glasses and never replaced them. Left smelly curry to rot in the fridge for weeks. About the only thing she NEVER bothered to abuise was cleaning supplies!
The last straw was waking up on a Sunday morning nearly tripping over 5 of her drunk friends strewn everywhere after a night of partying and finishing all my food and wine. I was like: “Out bitch!” Lesson Learned.
I never bothered with anything, except one day she was gone and had left her room door open for the first time. It smelled like stale food and body odor. I peeked in and it looked like the slob apocalypse had happened.
I sent her a friendly email, just asking her not to leave food in her room because of the smell. That is when it all started. I would get a text that she had locked herself out of the apartment and I needed to drop everything and come open up for her. When I wasn’t able to get home soon enough, she would write me rude texts about her being locked out. One day I got a text about ants in her room (are you shocked??) – She demanded I get an exterminator come immediately. She even threatened not to pay the rent. (I told her that even if I was willing to get an exterminator for ANTS they would need to navigate through the filth she lives in!).
I walked into the apartment one Friday night and there was a huge Football player looking dude sitting on my couch sipping on MYwhite wine. One of my rules was NO people over without notice and no sleepovers. At first I got the shock of my life, but soon realized that a murderer slash thief probably wouldn’t have the audacity to relax and drink wine. They are both lucky I wasn't packing heat, walking into a house with a stranger sitting there and the roommate is nowhere in sight - stupid!
One time, I had a friend visiting and we were sitting in the living room watching a show.
I had a TV in my bedroom, so I never used the living room, but my friend was a guy and I felt more comfortable in MY living room. When the roommate gets home, she grabs a drink from the fridge and sits down next to us: "what are you guys watching" and proceeds to start a LONG conversation throughout the entire show!
She also started to refer to the Apartment as HER apartment and told people on the phone I was her Roomie.. She also used all my Tupperware, broke 6 of my 8 wine glasses and never replaced them. Left smelly curry to rot in the fridge for weeks. About the only thing she NEVER bothered to abuise was cleaning supplies!
The last straw was waking up on a Sunday morning nearly tripping over 5 of her drunk friends strewn everywhere after a night of partying and finishing all my food and wine. I was like: “Out bitch!” Lesson Learned.
#2
The one with the fleas
Ok, so we were in the middle of filming “Colonial Theater” - This movie was about a war on Mars. (or
whatever). I was in charge of wardrobe. I had very little to work with. When they
told me to get the Military gear together.. I looked around in the "Wardrobe" I was provided and there was military gear from
different types of military. Needless to say, the people we were sending to
Mars were a little genre confused (army pants, Special Forces tops and so
forth). Not that I think the Martians would care.. but movie goers might not take us so seriously, hey!
We needed to film some explosions at night, so we went in a convoy or about 6 cars to the middle of nowhere. I think it might have been a dump. I can’t recall. There I am sitting on a pile of what I hoped was dirt, with my condom filled with fake blood, watching the explosions and waiting for my Que from the Director to hurl the "blood" at whomever was being shot at.
“Cut” you would hear for the 57th time. “ok we need to go from another angle. This was about 11:30pm. We have been filming since 1pm and I was exhausted. As I tried to round up the extras for the next scene, I see 3 of the Extras huddling around giggling. I walk over to see what is going on. The one girls says, hey look I found some bunny babies. She found 6 tiny bunnies, picked them up and hid them in her hoodie. All of a sudden in the moonlight all you can see is a thousand fleas jumping around. Upon realizing this she drops them all and starts running for the hills, everyone is waving their hands about, freaking out running around and one girl falls face first into a ditch. God knows what is in there.. mud.. we can only hope. So, we are there trying to get her out of the ditch and the Director is yelling for us to get into position. It was chaos. Now THAT should have been captured on film. hahahahaa
We needed to film some explosions at night, so we went in a convoy or about 6 cars to the middle of nowhere. I think it might have been a dump. I can’t recall. There I am sitting on a pile of what I hoped was dirt, with my condom filled with fake blood, watching the explosions and waiting for my Que from the Director to hurl the "blood" at whomever was being shot at.
“Cut” you would hear for the 57th time. “ok we need to go from another angle. This was about 11:30pm. We have been filming since 1pm and I was exhausted. As I tried to round up the extras for the next scene, I see 3 of the Extras huddling around giggling. I walk over to see what is going on. The one girls says, hey look I found some bunny babies. She found 6 tiny bunnies, picked them up and hid them in her hoodie. All of a sudden in the moonlight all you can see is a thousand fleas jumping around. Upon realizing this she drops them all and starts running for the hills, everyone is waving their hands about, freaking out running around and one girl falls face first into a ditch. God knows what is in there.. mud.. we can only hope. So, we are there trying to get her out of the ditch and the Director is yelling for us to get into position. It was chaos. Now THAT should have been captured on film. hahahahaa
Ok that’s all for now.
Disclaimer: My Memoir is going to be far funnier and more interesting ;)
Disclaimer: My Memoir is going to be far funnier and more interesting ;)
Oh, after all that nonsense, I decided I needed to throw in
a little life lesson. There is no such thing as greener grass… The grass is
green where YOU water it.
