MEMOIR NOTES

Weird Dates – Part 1

The one with the Massage Therapist

So, all these stories are from long ago.  Banked safely into the memoir deposit box of my life and my heart  - for entertainment, fear, laughter, tears and infuriating anger.  Whichever emotions my life stories make you feel - You are welcome! ;')

I had been going on and off for massages with Brett. Really good therapist. During the massages, we had talked and gotten to know each other pretty well.  We quickly became friends, laughed a lot and texted every day.

Then one day during a volunteer run at the Salvation Army, he said he feels connected to me and would I like to go out on a date with him. I was a little skeptical at first, because while I liked him as a friend, and he was definitely good looking, I wasn’t so sure I felt the same kind of connection.

I also figured it might be slightly awkward to say no and then show up for my next massage! #socialpolitics

So here was his idea: Meet him up in Cave Creek. He was house sitting for his parents, we would go to a Mexican restaurant and have dinner and then hang out in his parents’ backyard.  This place was a 50 minute drive for me, but apparently its beautiful up there and I imagined looking at the stars drinking some wine and then leave.

I just got a new car and I was so up for the drive. I show up at his parents’ house, I was dressed pretty casual. Oh, actually – I went directly from work, it was a Friday night, so I had on black pants and a casual top.   When I got there, he was already standing in the front yard, on his phone texting. He looked up and smiled and greeted me as I got out of the car.  Normal enough.

This is where it starts to get weird.  I walk over to him and say hello and he walks past me and says nice car and hops right into the drivers’ seat. I laughed it off and was like no pal. New car – not happening - you move to shot gun.  So, he gets out (still nose in his phone) and walks over to the passenger side and when he hopped in, he slams my car door. Not one of those accidental slams, one of those pissed-off slams.

Deciding not to start the night off with irritation, I start driving making conversation.  He doesn’t say much, he is still on his phone.  So I just stop talking, turn up the radio and ask for directions. Silence.

We pulled up the Mexican place – gorgeous. Out of this world!  We sit down and immediately I am more relaxed. The waiter comes over and I ask for a glass of wine.  He asks for a non-alcoholic beer.  Eventually he puts his phone away. At this point, I was still working in a previous position and my boss was traveling so I knew he might be contacting me for things. 

I set my phone next to me and tell Brett: “ok so I really don’t want to be rude, but if my boss DOES call me, I will need to take it.”  His response to that comment is: “you do realize that I am an alcoholic right?” – I was like noooo?  So then I felt bad for enjoying my red wine.  I could not for the LIFE of me recall him ever mentioning that.

So, I say I am sorry I will get rid of the wine. The waiter, looking at me like I am a cook, takes my glass away (while I am crying rivers inside – because how am I supposed to survive this night sober?)

The conversation was so weird. I tried lightening the mood by shifting gears to talking about saving the world, and travel - Things we had talked about in the past during massages.  But for some reason he was fidgety in his seat and wouldn’t really respond much. Much to my relief my boss calls, I talk to him for two minutes and when I hang up, Brett says: “wow can’t separate you from your phone for a minute hey”

All he kept saying was how he was a recovering alcoholic and he hates that people are so rude to order and drink alcohol in front of him. In between saying what an independent, confident woman I am and that he is happy I make SO much money and drive nice cars and travel the world.  My response was, well I work really hard. I do alot in the world, I try atleast and my money and things don't get to my head. I feel like I live a pretty humble life. 

He kept saying, oh dont apologize. Just admit it. You have it all. FAR from it. But It kept on feeling like an argument, so I just sipped my water - dropping alot of F-Bombs in my head. 

By this point I am so irritated, I just start shoveling my food down without talking.   Then he says, would you like a drink? I was like no thanks, just the check.  On the way back to drop him off, all of a sudden he is the massage therapist Brett again. Laughing and talking. I am like whoa! What?

Can anyone say Bi-polar?

I stop off at his parents’ house and he says come on in, I don’t mind if you have some wine, really I am in a program and I am fine..  My response is no thanks. I decide I want to see this gorgeous house, so I go in and ask for water.   I walk in and the living room is set up with the massage table and low lighting ambiance.  He then says, ok the table is ready whenever you are.

I was like NO thanks. Firstly. I was not in the massage mood, not to mention feeling really awkward by this point and kinda creeped out!  And then out comes 5 cats running toward me, probably knowing I am freaking allergic, they start jumping all over my – black pants full of cat hair.  My eyes got all swollen and my throat started to itch. 

Quickly he says let me show you the view outside. Ok this is the last thing for me – and at this point I am just torturing myself for NO reason. Maybe curiosity, politeness of my inability to just say no to people.

I go outside, and sure enough it is breath taking.  All of a sudden he seems so much more relaxed.   I sit down and look at the stars as he starts telling me how much he has grown as a person.   Just then, his phone rings and he answers it. Chats for about a minute. 

He comes back, sits down next to me not saying a word.  To break this silence and the need to pee started to overwhelm me.  I wanted to use the loo but started by saying: "This is beautiful". Before I finished the “L” in Beautiful, he says, Ok you need to leave.

I am like: Huh? And he is like again you have to leave now.  I asked can I use the loo, he is like year please hurry up.  I gather my stuff and he is hurrying me out the door, and I am like thanks for a nice evening. And he is like yeah. Bye. Doesn’t even walk me to my car – closes the door behind me.

I drive home STUMPED. In fact I just started laughing hysterically in disbelieve at this thing I can only describe as an abortion of a "date"

We had a second date. I kid you not. Story for another time!

Oh before I forget...  here is the photo of my fat body more mortifying than the one before.. UGH!