Amsterdam 

[And other things I have not had time to blog about]…..

Valentine’s Day - Well, my husband out did himself.  In general he is not really a gift giver by nature, but when it comes to occasions he gives it a good go. We also went for a lovely, romantic Dinner. My blog sentences are getting shorter and shorter and my thoughts more spacy – for good reason: (no, not old age!)

My life has been in such a time warp. I had to go check my Facebook to see what all I did since my last blog! LOL

Very soon after Valentine’s Day,  we found a lost dog. We went through all the paces to try to find her home but no such luck.  After about 5 days, and the kids persuading us, we decided to keep her. It was against our better judgement, because we had just put a deposit down on a puppy who was born on Feb 23^rd and we knew he would arrive on May 1^st.  Plus she is so ugly with her one eye, snorting like a pirate and breathing like she is about to keel over.. nevertheless, this little Chihuahua mix seemed really sweet, easy going and low maintenance had won us over with her stink breath. Oh, she also has the habit of digging jam out of her ears with her back paws and then sits on the couch chewing on the jam paws for hours.

We got her spayed and we had to take care of her for 10days, by the time she was healed, we headed off to Amsterdam.  Finally, my love and I alone. On a honeymoon.  This trip was planned about 3 different times and things just never worked out for us to go. We also had no opportunity to go on an actual honeymoon, so we decided to name, claim and finally frame the trip!

Sidenote: It is so funny how excited people get when you tell them you are on your honeymoon - even Immigration officers made jokes and said congrats! J

Talk about time warp – in the past 8 months, I went from engaged to Married, Honeymooning to puppy training. Life sure moves at the speed of light for me .. always

In between all that, I have been meeting with some Movie Producers to get traction on this movie script I had been working with someone on.  I guess in the end, it wasn’t meant to be.   All my contacts seemed to be dead ends and my meetings were met with nothing but blank stares.  I got so frustrated. And if any of you know me, it was not from lack of trying or being annoyingly persistent! Bleh. Moving on. I am not quite done with Hollywood yet, I am just unsure how to steer the ship in the right direction at this moment, since I am perpetually in the eye of some storm or another.

We took the girls to see the Harlem Globetrotters, I had always seen the ads on TV and always wanted to see them. It was a blast. However, it was a little “has-beenish” for me. They seemed to be trying too hard to make people laugh.

In between all of that we have been having so much fun.  Picnics, Nerf Wars, getting my inner kid satisfied and getting the actual kids to have fun and make great memories.

The BIGGEST thing that happened for me this year, was that I FINALLY got my citizenship~  I am sure this blog contains copious amounts of agonizing stories about my immigration shenanigans over the years. It has finally come to an end my friends.  I can finally relax here in America and do whatever the fuck I want for a change!  God Bless America!

Then came Amsterdam. The minute we hopped on our flight, though I was sick as a dog– I felt the freedom of life enter my veins. That old familiar travel jitters envelope me and call me home. Home.. the only place I know.. a gypsy around the globe – tasting, smelling, seeing, experiencing.  I had been to Amsterdam before, but this trip we ventured many new and different things.  Robert tried the coffee shops, we went to check out the sex museum, marijuana museums and walked around the canals.  It is interesting watching how people navigate the city - One would bike around in their office attire with a baby strapped in small seat behind mom or dad -  groceries in front zooming their way through traffic.  One would scooter in a business suit trying to avoid a pedestrian collision.  Watching people sit outside cafes, eating fries, smoking cigarettes and speaking Dutch French and Flemish is the order of the day.

 With it’s fascinating museums, red and brown brick buildings, open skyline and rich history,  Amsterdam has a relaxed, easy going attitude towards life.  One of the highlights was the Tulip Gardens at Keurkenhof.  Beautiful, proud blossoming Tulips showing off all their Spring time majesty in a garden that takes you at least 3 hours to walk through.  Amsterdam is easy for me.

I understand Dutch for the most part, navigating my way through menus, signs and talking to everyone was fun and exhilarating.  However, almost everyone speaks English and are happy to accommodate (unlike going to France where the French, can definitely speak English, they refuse to and actually act insulted that in your 3 day visit you haven’t yet picked up their language!)

In the middle of rush-hour traffic, scooters honking, bikes zig-zagging to get by as fast as possible, tourists stopping suddenly to take a picture, I always stop.  This time, my reflection stop was in the yellow clog. That Giant Yellow Clog next to Madame Tussad’s in the middle of Tourist mayhem. It was my second time sitting in it, having my picture taken.

Smile. Snap. Like everyone else....

My mind was so clear.

Travel does something to me, that is the reason it’s such an addiction.  It is like some weird sense of clarity comes over me and all of a sudden, I feel like a small part of a giant world.  I feel part of it all and separated from it all. My routine and stress seems far away. I look at my love taking my picture. Robert travels so non-chalantly. He has a weird way of just being thrown into any new situation and making it seem like he’s done this a million times before.  He loves every bit of it. But the main difference between us is – his love for the world is like one of: “wow that is cool” – Mine is one of: “I want to cut open my skin and put it all in there and sew myself back up again” – ok that was horrible. But I feel it. All of it. It becomes a part of my heart, it crawls into my veins and then not only am I there.. but it is now a part of me.

Then the puppy arrived.  The moment, I opened his crate at the airport and he slowly came out to greet me with those green/grey eyes, unsure of himself, but wagging his tail. I was SO in love. I transported him home and he was crying bloody murder. I didnt realize he had pooped in his crate - probably from being on a plane for 5 hours..

We got home and I cleaned him, cleaned the crate and just held him in my arms. What a moment. Then all the family arrived to meet him. Such a sweet boy - he just jumped and licked everyone.  I knew this journey would be hard and tiring.  Adopting a Cane Corso (Mastiff) - remember Zeus??.. big powerful dog.. Our boy who died last December...

Well, Riddick is going to be bigger. So we have to ensure he is well-trained.  He is such a lover, though. He loves his mommy - and he snuggles close to me. He always looks to me for approval and he loves to run around. What Puppy fun he is.

Looking in his eyes, all I feel is love and adoration. What a cute puppy. What a happy addition to our family.

Today I am reflecting…. Random ramblings

I never thought I would get married again.

The excitement of the idea, the busy-ness of life over shadows the reality.  When reality finally sets in, you have moments of “why did I do this again?” LOL And moments of feeling like you belong somewhere. You are part of something bigger than yourself.  You remember that relationships make you self-less or at least challenge your selfishness. We always think our partners just simply refuse to see things our way. But in essence, both parties feel that way. It is our innate, primal guardianship of our own desires and ways of doing things. Now, I am not saying that you have to give up yourself. But marriage is a process of learning how to compromise and be selfless.

But I only started appreciating this lesson the second time around.  I will memoir about marriage number one, but I finally realized how stupid and selfish I was back then.  I let go of a great person and a great life for reasons that now seem ridiculous. Not that I have regrets or am wallowing in my past. It was hard lessons learned.  In some ways, this time it is harder.  I am seeing the same stubborn streaks in myself that I am yet to let go of. At the same time, one has the unconscious habit of "punishing" your current partner for your past partner's misdeeds.  I will never truly be sure why we, humans creatures of such habit - do this.  I do know this, marriage is God's way of showing you a true reflection of who you really are. Not who you are at work, where you put on Professional Face. Or with your friends where you put on Social Face. Or with your family - where you think you are not putting on any face, but you hide all your short comings just enough for them to not hate you.

Marriage is where it all happens.  It is the raw place where no matter how long you try to keep up any sort if idea of yourself.. You always get revealed.  And that revelation either brings conflict with your spouse, or acceptance of yourself and grace for the other, because you realize you are also not "all that"!

And so together you become strong.  You learn this a little quicker when you are married for a second time. You choose wiser battles. Or maybe you are just too old to fight as hard for your own opinion!

Kids: I tell you, being a mother – I salute you all.. it’s the shittiest job around. I am sorry to offend anyone, but I dare say being a step-mom is a lot harder. And here is why.  When you are their mother, you will never hear “you are not my mother you can’t tell me what to do”. You will do all the same stuff for them but their father and maybe bio-mom will always get huge hugs and praise..

Also, when the kids act like assholes, I would like to do what my mom did to me, slap the crap out of you – But as a step-mom you cannot do it!  However, this journey has also taught me how to love beyond my capacity.  It is easy to love a child you carried and gave birth to. They are part of you. 

You have to learn to love kids who sometimes don't like you. Lets be honest, they didn't choose you. They didn't choose for their world and family to be divided and now they have an "extra" person they need to listen to.   It is hard on the kids and you feel like you are constantly trying to "be part of the family"

A the same time, this role  fills me up – it makes me see God.. His Grace and love.  He has called me to be a bonus mom.. I used to hate that term - like I am not the "real mom"

But isnt you BONUS better than your salary when you get it hahahahha  Well, I like the idea of being a bonus.  Yes, you always feel restricted in what you can say or do and you always feel taken for granted.. but

These kids:  These little "mine, but not mine" kids. I would give my life for them.

Some days in my life, I lay in bed wondering should I even show up today for my life. I have no desire to feed the dog, clean the house, do laundry, work out, go to work, cook, make decisions, discipline kids, contend with my husband, talk to people, take responsibility or "Adult" in any way, shape or form…

Most days I decide to show up,  because I realize that life is a battlefield. Life is brutal. But it’s also beautiful. Brutiful, I call it. Life’s brutal and beautiful are woven together so tightly that they can’t be separated. Reject the brutal, reject the beauty. So now I embrace both, and I live well and hard and real.

Our pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

And I promise you.. I will be a lot less that 4 months before I blog again! J

 THIS IS US

Seasonal Friendships

There was a time in my life when I believed friendships last forever. I am almost 42 years old, and I am only now starting to learn and realize that friends are not friends forever.   This does not meant that I don’t think you can have friendships that last for a very long time. But, in my life as a Gypsy, my friendships constantly evolve and change as does my life. And while certain people will always be in my life, they won’t always necessarily be an active part of it all the time, or have the same seat  -  if you will.

I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. For the most part of my childhood I was very much a loner. Despite having 2 siblings, friends and a hoard of cousins, my life often felt alone. I was comfortable in my alone-ness. I had my dreams, my dolls and my relentless desires for greater things.

I am staggered and humbled by the human capacity for resilience. Even my own.  My childhood was rough. We all wish hard times never hit, but I am so perplexed by these feelings, because if it weren’t for some of these hard times, we would never be who we are today. It is one of life’s great mysteries.

I always found myself being much more comfortable in the company of a few select close friends.  3 seemed to be my lucky number.  I was always a fiercely loyal friend.  [I like to think I still am] And because I cared so much about what people thought of me > especially my friends liking me, I would go to extra lengths to show my friends how much they mean to me. The circle of 3 often shifted as I grew older.  Unfortunately, not everyone felt the same loyalty towards me, always leading to some sort of hurt.

My family of chance –

My mom  -my constant rock

My brother Clint, brother and constant friend

My younger brother and I struggled with a connection, but there was always a special love between us

My Family of Choice –

Early years

My very first group of friends consisted of Zunaid and Anneline. We sat together in First Grade. 

Instant hit. Anneline and I remained friends until around 7^th Grade when her parents moved out of town and she left the school.  Zunaid and I remained friends throughout our school years. Constant vacillation between loving and hating each other.

For most of High school I had the 3 friends. Sharlene, Lian and Tash.  Sharlene and Lian and I were in the same class for most of it – Tash was in a lower grade and our friendship largely consisted at home. She had her own group at school and our lives parted and crossed, intertwined in the early years.

All of those friendships fizzled and faded when I got married. I think that is probably the norm.  when you meet the love of your life, you move in different directions. You start working, meet friends at work, hang out with mutual friends etc.

I made so many great friends, in College, at work, at the race track, through Craig.. but at every stage and age there are a few friendships that chose to steal a very special place with me.

David Hoff – Part of a mutual group – we just seemed to understand each other.  He was not only my teacher (literally), but he became my sanity.  Sadness clouded a lot of that friendship as he lost his wife in divorce and then shortly after the divorce, she died of cancer. One day when the pain of it is not so much to bear, I will write about her.  About that time in my life.  During this same time, I was making my transition to the USA and when I went home, I reconnected with David, I shared with him that my Marriage, too, was in a difficult place, and because we supported each other, we got accused of committing adultery with each other – by no other than close “church friends”. 
This was another blow.

One of my accusers, I went above and beyond for, in ways, I cannot even explain. Also, a story for another post!

This experience opened my eyes to the reality (or disillusionment – however you may view it) that you never know who your real friends are.  David and I are still friends. He is married with 2 Step-Sons 12 and 8 and I am married with 2 Step-daughters 12 and 8. How freaky!  We share our joys and pains!

Maybe that is just the nature of growing up. As a child, friendships are simple and basic.

As we grow older, so many more dynamics come into play.

Lian, after high school never really spoke to me again, nor sought any kind of continued friendship. Tash and I as we had in school, came in and out of each other's lives and today - we are in. We chat on Whatsapp and on the phone. friendship from afar.

Sharlene and I, we had ghost town between us until August last year and although we missed so many years of each others' lives, it feels like destiny that we now do daily life together and it is awesome!

Some friendships have remained constant - even with the oceans of separation, Ingrid has remained my best friend.

I wont say that I am disillusioned, lets just say I learnt a lot. My heart no longer sits on my sleeve and I realize that people come for a season and then leave .. and you have to accept and embrace it all.

In my face-face friendships, I have the two Jody's and Nicole.  A few other acquaintances and that is about all I have time for.

Scott became a close friend when I was living out in Colorado also. Very dependable person and loyal friend. Our friendship has fizzled, but good memories and good to know there are genuinely good people on this planet.

My husband, becoming one as we become best friends.

Now how did all this happen, you ask?

Well, remember back in August when I got engaged? Well, we did not stay engaged. Our life quickly  moved towards what made sense. We had a small backyard wedding and it was nothing short of magical and one of the happiest days of my life.

That is all I will post about the wedding, I am not sure why, but I have been relentlessly private about it.. and will continue to do so, until I am over it! ha ha

2017

Fall in love again with everything...

Another New Year! - Clean Slate, empty canvass...


I am so behind in everything writing related..

I will attempt to catch up in the month of January.  #GOALS!

My first entry will be heart breaking.. then - Joy to follow! (LOTS to update!)

It has taken me quite a while to post this, not only because my life is a revolving door of STUFF.. but because I have been uninspired to write anything lately.

RAW and UNEDITED

Last Year, I wrote about how my life has changed and all the newness I navigate through.. then December happened. I had a wonderful, romantic wedding on Dec 17th - I didn't post anything about it on Facebook -  I just felt like that part of my life needs to be private and protected.

Two weeks before the wedding, our beloved dog, Zeus, got really sick.  He had actually been sick weeks before on and off and had trouble eating.  But he was such a strong dog, he would be sick one day, and barking off the Fedex man the next, and you would never know he was in any sort of discomfort.

I tried feeding him different things, I figured maybe he got bored of his food.  He would eat some and then stop eating it.  He threw up in the house a few times.  I noticed on our walks for the past few months, he would be energetic, then lethargic and would want to eat all the neighbors grass and I had to yank so hard on his leash and tell him to leave it, until he listened. I thought he was just being stubborn.  One Saturday, I even dropped him off at the In-laws so he could play with their dogs. I thought he was bored. This breed is very bad at being alone. They love their family and sadly, our lives had gotten so busy that we spent little time with him.  Yes, we played with him, cuddled him etc, But no extra walks or anything like that. He did not seem like himself and I figured he is lonely.  I felt guilty and sad for him, so I would try to take him out every night and play with him running around the house.

Eventually, on Monday Dec 12th - he refused to eat anything at all and was looking so thin. Robert took him to the vet and a few hours later, called me crying. My heart proverbially stopped. He was so upset on the phone, I could not understand him and asked him to text me what was wrong.

They had found a tumor in his stomach and he went to ER to get scans and blood work.  I had hoped his stomach was full of stuffings from Mr Dinkles, his beloved stuffed bear that he would chew up like it was candy.. I can't tell you how many times I had to sew up Mr Dinkles in my 'Stuffed Animal Hospital' [yes, it's a real thing ;) ] and when I would hand him back to Zeus.. stuffings gone again in minutes!!

I envisioned the Vet laughing about the fact that he will be fine once he poops it out...

 I left work at 2pm and waited with Robert's dad at the Vet until 4pm. Zeus was in the back sedated in a crate. The ER vet told us that the scans showed that he had multiple tumors basically everywhere and swollen lymph nodes. She did not confirm cancer, but all signs pointed to that.

We were offered to speak to an oncologist to look at options once we receive the blood work. But these tests and treatments for animals can run up the bills to the thousands.

We were devastated.  I felt like I just had the wind knocked out of me. I felt weak and dazed even. It was hard to breathe. It was hard to process.  Surely any second now, I would wake up and it was all a dream.   On my drive home, I thought of all the ways we would treat him and give him a quality of life for a few more years or even months if it was that bad.   I figured if we could cure him of the stomach bug / vomiting thing, get him to eat and get his strength up, we then had time to research treatment options.

Monday night, Robert brought him home - he carried the big, drowsy 115 pound lug in the door and laid him on his dog bed. I cuddled him and we told the kids about what was happening. Robert spent the night sleeping next to him. We told him what a good boy he was. He looked up at us so helpless.  No, that was me.. I felt helpless.. This must be what it is like for a mother who cannot help her child who is in pain...

On Tuesday he seemed a little better, he ate. But very little. But then, threw up again. Robert's mom brought her dogs over to see if he would play with them. He was so happy to see his buddies, but couldn't really move much.  He tried. His tail was so happy.  His eyes so sad,  I took some of the day off to watch him, I cuddled him, tried to feed him.  I hand fed him. I sat online all day looking for ways to stimulate his appetite or keep some food down.

It was heart breaking watching him look so sad and so awfully thin. He would move from the couch, to the floor, to a corner in the bathroom, curling his huge body into a small ball.  His growl was not heard all day. His bark was not heard  all day.  He would stand at the door to go out, but would not knock as he usually did. He would just look back hoping someone would open it for him.  He didn't greet anyone at the door as they arrived. He didn't howl with his lips pursed making his usual god-awful noise.. that was music to my ears and my heart longed for so deeply.

He didn't snore at night and whine as if he was having a car chase dream.....  His head hung low, he drank a lot of water, drooled alot more than usual and then it would just all come out again in what sounded like agonizing heaves and squirts.  [apologies for the graphics.. it is healing to relive it... and torture all the same]...

Such a strong, virile, awe striking majestic dog.. looking like a sick puppy.  We cried all the time.  Seeing my man's heart so sad was worse than going through this alone.  It is like experiencing double the pain.

That night the vet called and said his blood work came back, it had indicated that most of his organs were affected and not functioning properly and there was not even anything we could do to make him comfortable.

Those words were like a Katana slicing through the depths of my soul.  It was core destroying to watch the pain in Robert's eyes.  This was our baby boy. Our buddy, our fearless protector, our family member.  I cry now.. as I am writing this. There is such a huge piece of my soul missing, such sorrow carving little holes into the core of my being, out of which my joy slowly seeps at every memory of one of the worst weeks of my life.

Wednesday, we tried feeding him some baby food and anti-nausea medication, we wanted to know how we could help him eat so his body could recover and he would at least be happy and a little healthy for a year? a few months.. anything. We tried to not lose hope.

All the while, life was still in motion.  Time was suspended for us between moments of grief and sadness and running around with wedding plans.  I was alone.  I tried to be joyful.  I was ok with it.  I needed to give Robert the space to just be sad.

My heart can hold us all.

I prayed. I cried. We cried together. I  prayed some more.  We hugged him, we loved him and we watched him be sick and waste away.  We gave him some vitamins and watched him 24/7.

Our visitors arrived on Wednesday night, and as sick and weak as he was, Zeus gave them his, "I am watching you, and I am still in charge of my family's safety" growl and bark.  It was like heaven hearing him be a small fraction of his usual self.

Protecting us to the end.  I wrote to another vet to get a second opinion on what could be done..  I refused to give up. I cried in secret. I cried in bathrooms, I cried at my desk and typed vigorously through tear-clouded eyes.  I needed to be strong for everyone else.   I hugged and loved and encouraged everyone.  I encouraged the girls to try to smile and seem happy in front of Zeus, so that he only feels happiness... In case it is his last days.

Wednesday night, Robert brought him into our bedroom instead of sleeping downstairs with him.  Zeus came to me and nudged my hand waking me up.  Everyone had gone to bed by then, and I knew he needed to go out.  He had been doing that a lot those last few weeks, of course I thought he was being silly and never imagined he was sick...

I put his collar around his neck, as I did not want him to be startled and bark if our visitors happened to wander into the bathroom or something.. I walked down stairs and because he had his collar on, he thought we were going for a walk out by the garage door where we always go :(...

Instinctively he walked that way.. slowly, almost leading the way.  I could not say no.

I motioned him out to the garage.. I took him out onto our front lawn to sniff around a bit. He looked up at me, as if to ask "Are we not walking?"... I just said.. "No buddy boy... " and I started to cry, holding him in my arms uncontrollably. Numb, full of exploding emotions, heart shattered into microscopic pieces.

I just kept on telling him: "You are such a Good Boy, you are a good boy. I love you."
I touched his fur and scratched his ears and hugged that big beautiful fur baby who stole my entire heart.

Most of you who know me, know that I am a pretty even tempered person.  It takes quite a lot to get my tears rolling.   I don't cry in sad movies or anything like that usually.  But the pain I felt just pushed aside all of my inhibited well of tears.

He started to get sick again and heave, so I took him into the back yard and sat there while he lay on the concrete floor. It seemed like the concrete made him feel a bit better - or tile.   Then he retreated into the bathroom into a big heap in the corner and closed his eyes. That was when I knew these might be his last days...

But with the wedding day pending, I was selfishly afraid that letting him go, I was worried it would ruin the mood,  ruin our joy of starting a new chapter in our lives. I was terrified of starting a marriage curdles with sad memories and that every year "OUR day" would be over shadowed by the death of our dog.

I tried to convince everyone that we could hold on until Monday.. that, and the faint hope that he would feel better and be himself again over the weekend. My selfishness made me feel even more guilty.

Thursday rolled around, I was scrambling at work to get things done, I was trying to spend time with my family, get the wedding preparations all wrapped up, be supportive to Robert and the girls, host our guests and all the while try to not think of how my heart was breaking inside me every minute.

There were times when I could hardly breathe.

Side note one: In the midst of all this, we had to deal with some very annoying and unpleasant "baby mama drama" on the side. No respect for what the children were going through at all. I was worried that she would try to ruin our wedding.... Heap upon heap, the universe piled it on.. testing my strength, testing my faith, testing my resolve.

On Thursday, I texted to see how Zeus was doing. I was hoping he had eaten the baby food.. or eaten anything..

This was the text I got...

I cannot explain the pangs of heartache that swept over me.  I wanted to panic. I went home and we all just hung out. Robert had called the Vet and asked her one more time, for anything, ANYTHING we can give him.. and she said unfortunately there was nothing.

He scheduled putting him down 7am the next day.  It was the right thing to do.  We knew that on the wedding day no one would be able to watch him and we would all be worrying all day.   Watching him suffer and look at us with indescribably sad eyes that....  only God will ever know what he was feeling.... But it seemed to me to be a pleading  and a yearning to be out of pain.

That night I opened the outside faucet for him. One of his special things was to drink from it.. he would lick the entire thing, suck all the water down, lick my fingers if I tried to close it and seem to be so happy about it. Even long after it was closed, he would go over there to check and he would keep licking it until we told him to leave it, [I swear he would lick the paint off that thing, he loved it so much! haha]

He drank from it as he always did, He seemed so fine to me. He seemed so happy at that moment.

Their was so much conflict surrounding the dreaded day to release him, because one minute he would seen totally fine and the next, in so much agony.

He walked to lay down after guzzling the water spout... and then it happened, uncontrollable puking,  just brown liquid, then he retreated to the back of the house and the same came out the other end. I tried chicken broth, I tried baby food, I tried solid food, Vitamins and electrolytes. But the stupid cancer had metastasized to a point where it was shutting everything down.

I went to bed thinking. "Really God? really? Why the day before my wedding.. and why at all?..

I was lost for answers.. I just cried myself to sleep.  I woke up at 6am and told Robert that I would not be able to join him and the girls at the Vet. I just could not do it.  My stomach was in a huge knot.

The children were so brave and wanted to be there till his last breath.  I went downstairs and there he sat, looking at me, wagging his tail.  I asked him to sit, give me a paw. It was hard, but he did it. He immediately laid back down and kept wagging his tail as I kissed his face and told him what a good boy he was. How much I loved him.

Everything in me wanted to say please wait. Just wait until after the weekend..

But then they were gone. I went back to bed.

When Robert walked back into the bedroom a few hours later...

I dunno why this ridiculous thought crossed my mind, that he would say, "Guess what?  when we got there, Patti told us to try one more thing, she gave him an IV to help him recover and said wait a week, and let's see how he does"  And somehow, thought I would see him busting into the bedroom, like he always did...

As long as I live, I will never forget the look on Robert's face. The paleness of his skin in the dim bedroom light.  His beautiful brown eyes devoid of sparkle and all I could see was hollowness. Brow creased and waves of inconsolable sorrow and heart ache washing over his every move.  His skin was a strange color.  He was an empty shell.

His heart was torn apart. My heart was torn apart.

He had the leash in his hand  and I could still smell Zeus as he set the leash down and laid down next to me holding me tightly.  "He Is gone, baby".....

  Loss of a loved one comes like  a wrecking ball, it smashes away things inside you where love resides.  Grief comes in pieces.  In waves.  He was not a human being. But a pet.  Our Companion. A huge part of our family and holds such a large part of our hearts, our souls and makes us who we are as a family. Everyone in the neighborhood know is as the people with the HUG dog...

Love is love.

I didn't trust myself with words.  I could not find any.

Our Buddy boy. ... was gone... forever....

CANE CORSO ITALIANO

Zeus Helms:  5/15/11 - 12/16/2016

RIP My Big Boy.. go drool on all the dogs in Heaven. Dominate and Rule your new home. Like you always do.  We love you and miss you, always.................