2017
Fall in love again with everything...
Another New Year! - Clean Slate, empty canvass...
I am so behind in everything writing related..
I will attempt to catch up in the month of January. #GOALS!
My first entry will be heart breaking.. then - Joy to follow! (LOTS to update!)
It has taken me quite a while to post this, not only because my life is a revolving door of STUFF.. but because I have been uninspired to write anything lately.
RAW and UNEDITED
Last Year, I wrote about how my life has changed and all the newness I navigate through.. then December happened. I had a wonderful, romantic wedding on Dec 17th - I didn't post anything about it on Facebook - I just felt like that part of my life needs to be private and protected.
Two weeks before the wedding, our beloved dog, Zeus, got really sick. He had actually been sick weeks before on and off and had trouble eating. But he was such a strong dog, he would be sick one day, and barking off the Fedex man the next, and you would never know he was in any sort of discomfort.
I tried feeding him different things, I figured maybe he got bored of his food. He would eat some and then stop eating it. He threw up in the house a few times. I noticed on our walks for the past few months, he would be energetic, then lethargic and would want to eat all the neighbors grass and I had to yank so hard on his leash and tell him to leave it, until he listened. I thought he was just being stubborn. One Saturday, I even dropped him off at the In-laws so he could play with their dogs. I thought he was bored. This breed is very bad at being alone. They love their family and sadly, our lives had gotten so busy that we spent little time with him. Yes, we played with him, cuddled him etc, But no extra walks or anything like that. He did not seem like himself and I figured he is lonely. I felt guilty and sad for him, so I would try to take him out every night and play with him running around the house.
Eventually, on Monday Dec 12th - he refused to eat anything at all and was looking so thin. Robert took him to the vet and a few hours later, called me crying. My heart proverbially stopped. He was so upset on the phone, I could not understand him and asked him to text me what was wrong.
They had found a tumor in his stomach and he went to ER to get scans and blood work. I had hoped his stomach was full of stuffings from Mr Dinkles, his beloved stuffed bear that he would chew up like it was candy.. I can't tell you how many times I had to sew up Mr Dinkles in my 'Stuffed Animal Hospital' [yes, it's a real thing ;) ] and when I would hand him back to Zeus.. stuffings gone again in minutes!!
I envisioned the Vet laughing about the fact that he will be fine once he poops it out...
I left work at 2pm and waited with Robert's dad at the Vet until 4pm. Zeus was in the back sedated in a crate. The ER vet told us that the scans showed that he had multiple tumors basically everywhere and swollen lymph nodes. She did not confirm cancer, but all signs pointed to that.
We were offered to speak to an oncologist to look at options once we receive the blood work. But these tests and treatments for animals can run up the bills to the thousands.
We were devastated. I felt like I just had the wind knocked out of me. I felt weak and dazed even. It was hard to breathe. It was hard to process. Surely any second now, I would wake up and it was all a dream. On my drive home, I thought of all the ways we would treat him and give him a quality of life for a few more years or even months if it was that bad. I figured if we could cure him of the stomach bug / vomiting thing, get him to eat and get his strength up, we then had time to research treatment options.
Monday night, Robert brought him home - he carried the big, drowsy 115 pound lug in the door and laid him on his dog bed. I cuddled him and we told the kids about what was happening. Robert spent the night sleeping next to him. We told him what a good boy he was. He looked up at us so helpless. No, that was me.. I felt helpless.. This must be what it is like for a mother who cannot help her child who is in pain...
On Tuesday he seemed a little better, he ate. But very little. But then, threw up again. Robert's mom brought her dogs over to see if he would play with them. He was so happy to see his buddies, but couldn't really move much. He tried. His tail was so happy. His eyes so sad, I took some of the day off to watch him, I cuddled him, tried to feed him. I hand fed him. I sat online all day looking for ways to stimulate his appetite or keep some food down.
It was heart breaking watching him look so sad and so awfully thin. He would move from the couch, to the floor, to a corner in the bathroom, curling his huge body into a small ball. His growl was not heard all day. His bark was not heard all day. He would stand at the door to go out, but would not knock as he usually did. He would just look back hoping someone would open it for him. He didn't greet anyone at the door as they arrived. He didn't howl with his lips pursed making his usual god-awful noise.. that was music to my ears and my heart longed for so deeply.
He didn't snore at night and whine as if he was having a car chase dream..... His head hung low, he drank a lot of water, drooled alot more than usual and then it would just all come out again in what sounded like agonizing heaves and squirts. [apologies for the graphics.. it is healing to relive it... and torture all the same]...
Such a strong, virile, awe striking majestic dog.. looking like a sick puppy. We cried all the time. Seeing my man's heart so sad was worse than going through this alone. It is like experiencing double the pain.
That night the vet called and said his blood work came back, it had indicated that most of his organs were affected and not functioning properly and there was not even anything we could do to make him comfortable.
Those words were like a Katana slicing through the depths of my soul. It was core destroying to watch the pain in Robert's eyes. This was our baby boy. Our buddy, our fearless protector, our family member. I cry now.. as I am writing this. There is such a huge piece of my soul missing, such sorrow carving little holes into the core of my being, out of which my joy slowly seeps at every memory of one of the worst weeks of my life.
Wednesday, we tried feeding him some baby food and anti-nausea medication, we wanted to know how we could help him eat so his body could recover and he would at least be happy and a little healthy for a year? a few months.. anything. We tried to not lose hope.
All the while, life was still in motion. Time was suspended for us between moments of grief and sadness and running around with wedding plans. I was alone. I tried to be joyful. I was ok with it. I needed to give Robert the space to just be sad.
My heart can hold us all.
I prayed. I cried. We cried together. I prayed some more. We hugged him, we loved him and we watched him be sick and waste away. We gave him some vitamins and watched him 24/7.
Our visitors arrived on Wednesday night, and as sick and weak as he was, Zeus gave them his, "I am watching you, and I am still in charge of my family's safety" growl and bark. It was like heaven hearing him be a small fraction of his usual self.
Protecting us to the end. I wrote to another vet to get a second opinion on what could be done.. I refused to give up. I cried in secret. I cried in bathrooms, I cried at my desk and typed vigorously through tear-clouded eyes. I needed to be strong for everyone else. I hugged and loved and encouraged everyone. I encouraged the girls to try to smile and seem happy in front of Zeus, so that he only feels happiness... In case it is his last days.
Wednesday night, Robert brought him into our bedroom instead of sleeping downstairs with him. Zeus came to me and nudged my hand waking me up. Everyone had gone to bed by then, and I knew he needed to go out. He had been doing that a lot those last few weeks, of course I thought he was being silly and never imagined he was sick...
I put his collar around his neck, as I did not want him to be startled and bark if our visitors happened to wander into the bathroom or something.. I walked down stairs and because he had his collar on, he thought we were going for a walk out by the garage door where we always go :(...
Instinctively he walked that way.. slowly, almost leading the way. I could not say no.
I motioned him out to the garage.. I took him out onto our front lawn to sniff around a bit. He looked up at me, as if to ask "Are we not walking?"... I just said.. "No buddy boy... " and I started to cry, holding him in my arms uncontrollably. Numb, full of exploding emotions, heart shattered into microscopic pieces.
I just kept on telling him: "You are such a Good Boy, you are a good boy. I love you."
I touched his fur and scratched his ears and hugged that big beautiful fur baby who stole my entire heart.
Most of you who know me, know that I am a pretty even tempered person. It takes quite a lot to get my tears rolling. I don't cry in sad movies or anything like that usually. But the pain I felt just pushed aside all of my inhibited well of tears.
He started to get sick again and heave, so I took him into the back yard and sat there while he lay on the concrete floor. It seemed like the concrete made him feel a bit better - or tile. Then he retreated into the bathroom into a big heap in the corner and closed his eyes. That was when I knew these might be his last days...
But with the wedding day pending, I was selfishly afraid that letting him go, I was worried it would ruin the mood, ruin our joy of starting a new chapter in our lives. I was terrified of starting a marriage curdles with sad memories and that every year "OUR day" would be over shadowed by the death of our dog.
I tried to convince everyone that we could hold on until Monday.. that, and the faint hope that he would feel better and be himself again over the weekend. My selfishness made me feel even more guilty.
Thursday rolled around, I was scrambling at work to get things done, I was trying to spend time with my family, get the wedding preparations all wrapped up, be supportive to Robert and the girls, host our guests and all the while try to not think of how my heart was breaking inside me every minute.
There were times when I could hardly breathe.
Side note one: In the midst of all this, we had to deal with some very annoying and unpleasant "baby mama drama" on the side. No respect for what the children were going through at all. I was worried that she would try to ruin our wedding.... Heap upon heap, the universe piled it on.. testing my strength, testing my faith, testing my resolve.
On Thursday, I texted to see how Zeus was doing. I was hoping he had eaten the baby food.. or eaten anything..
This was the text I got...
I cannot explain the pangs of heartache that swept over me. I wanted to panic. I went home and we all just hung out. Robert had called the Vet and asked her one more time, for anything, ANYTHING we can give him.. and she said unfortunately there was nothing.
He scheduled putting him down 7am the next day. It was the right thing to do. We knew that on the wedding day no one would be able to watch him and we would all be worrying all day. Watching him suffer and look at us with indescribably sad eyes that.... only God will ever know what he was feeling.... But it seemed to me to be a pleading and a yearning to be out of pain.
That night I opened the outside faucet for him. One of his special things was to drink from it.. he would lick the entire thing, suck all the water down, lick my fingers if I tried to close it and seem to be so happy about it. Even long after it was closed, he would go over there to check and he would keep licking it until we told him to leave it, [I swear he would lick the paint off that thing, he loved it so much! haha]
He drank from it as he always did, He seemed so fine to me. He seemed so happy at that moment.
Their was so much conflict surrounding the dreaded day to release him, because one minute he would seen totally fine and the next, in so much agony.
He walked to lay down after guzzling the water spout... and then it happened, uncontrollable puking, just brown liquid, then he retreated to the back of the house and the same came out the other end. I tried chicken broth, I tried baby food, I tried solid food, Vitamins and electrolytes. But the stupid cancer had metastasized to a point where it was shutting everything down.
I went to bed thinking. "Really God? really? Why the day before my wedding.. and why at all?..
I was lost for answers.. I just cried myself to sleep. I woke up at 6am and told Robert that I would not be able to join him and the girls at the Vet. I just could not do it. My stomach was in a huge knot.
The children were so brave and wanted to be there till his last breath. I went downstairs and there he sat, looking at me, wagging his tail. I asked him to sit, give me a paw. It was hard, but he did it. He immediately laid back down and kept wagging his tail as I kissed his face and told him what a good boy he was. How much I loved him.
Everything in me wanted to say please wait. Just wait until after the weekend..
But then they were gone. I went back to bed.
When Robert walked back into the bedroom a few hours later...
I dunno why this ridiculous thought crossed my mind, that he would say, "Guess what? when we got there, Patti told us to try one more thing, she gave him an IV to help him recover and said wait a week, and let's see how he does" And somehow, thought I would see him busting into the bedroom, like he always did...
As long as I live, I will never forget the look on Robert's face. The paleness of his skin in the dim bedroom light. His beautiful brown eyes devoid of sparkle and all I could see was hollowness. Brow creased and waves of inconsolable sorrow and heart ache washing over his every move. His skin was a strange color. He was an empty shell.
His heart was torn apart. My heart was torn apart.
He had the leash in his hand and I could still smell Zeus as he set the leash down and laid down next to me holding me tightly. "He Is gone, baby".....
Loss of a loved one comes like a wrecking ball, it smashes away things inside you where love resides. Grief comes in pieces. In waves. He was not a human being. But a pet. Our Companion. A huge part of our family and holds such a large part of our hearts, our souls and makes us who we are as a family. Everyone in the neighborhood know is as the people with the HUG dog...
Love is love.
I didn't trust myself with words. I could not find any.
Our Buddy boy. ... was gone... forever....
CANE CORSO ITALIANO
Zeus Helms: 5/15/11 - 12/16/2016
RIP My Big Boy.. go drool on all the dogs in Heaven. Dominate and Rule your new home. Like you always do. We love you and miss you, always.................
