Amsterdam 

[And other things I have not had time to blog about]…..

Valentine’s Day - Well, my husband out did himself.  In general he is not really a gift giver by nature, but when it comes to occasions he gives it a good go. We also went for a lovely, romantic Dinner. My blog sentences are getting shorter and shorter and my thoughts more spacy – for good reason: (no, not old age!)

My life has been in such a time warp. I had to go check my Facebook to see what all I did since my last blog! LOL

Very soon after Valentine’s Day,  we found a lost dog. We went through all the paces to try to find her home but no such luck.  After about 5 days, and the kids persuading us, we decided to keep her. It was against our better judgement, because we had just put a deposit down on a puppy who was born on Feb 23^rd and we knew he would arrive on May 1^st.  Plus she is so ugly with her one eye, snorting like a pirate and breathing like she is about to keel over.. nevertheless, this little Chihuahua mix seemed really sweet, easy going and low maintenance had won us over with her stink breath. Oh, she also has the habit of digging jam out of her ears with her back paws and then sits on the couch chewing on the jam paws for hours.

We got her spayed and we had to take care of her for 10days, by the time she was healed, we headed off to Amsterdam.  Finally, my love and I alone. On a honeymoon.  This trip was planned about 3 different times and things just never worked out for us to go. We also had no opportunity to go on an actual honeymoon, so we decided to name, claim and finally frame the trip!

Sidenote: It is so funny how excited people get when you tell them you are on your honeymoon - even Immigration officers made jokes and said congrats! J

Talk about time warp – in the past 8 months, I went from engaged to Married, Honeymooning to puppy training. Life sure moves at the speed of light for me .. always

In between all that, I have been meeting with some Movie Producers to get traction on this movie script I had been working with someone on.  I guess in the end, it wasn’t meant to be.   All my contacts seemed to be dead ends and my meetings were met with nothing but blank stares.  I got so frustrated. And if any of you know me, it was not from lack of trying or being annoyingly persistent! Bleh. Moving on. I am not quite done with Hollywood yet, I am just unsure how to steer the ship in the right direction at this moment, since I am perpetually in the eye of some storm or another.

We took the girls to see the Harlem Globetrotters, I had always seen the ads on TV and always wanted to see them. It was a blast. However, it was a little “has-beenish” for me. They seemed to be trying too hard to make people laugh.

In between all of that we have been having so much fun.  Picnics, Nerf Wars, getting my inner kid satisfied and getting the actual kids to have fun and make great memories.

The BIGGEST thing that happened for me this year, was that I FINALLY got my citizenship~  I am sure this blog contains copious amounts of agonizing stories about my immigration shenanigans over the years. It has finally come to an end my friends.  I can finally relax here in America and do whatever the fuck I want for a change!  God Bless America!

Then came Amsterdam. The minute we hopped on our flight, though I was sick as a dog– I felt the freedom of life enter my veins. That old familiar travel jitters envelope me and call me home. Home.. the only place I know.. a gypsy around the globe – tasting, smelling, seeing, experiencing.  I had been to Amsterdam before, but this trip we ventured many new and different things.  Robert tried the coffee shops, we went to check out the sex museum, marijuana museums and walked around the canals.  It is interesting watching how people navigate the city - One would bike around in their office attire with a baby strapped in small seat behind mom or dad -  groceries in front zooming their way through traffic.  One would scooter in a business suit trying to avoid a pedestrian collision.  Watching people sit outside cafes, eating fries, smoking cigarettes and speaking Dutch French and Flemish is the order of the day.

 With it’s fascinating museums, red and brown brick buildings, open skyline and rich history,  Amsterdam has a relaxed, easy going attitude towards life.  One of the highlights was the Tulip Gardens at Keurkenhof.  Beautiful, proud blossoming Tulips showing off all their Spring time majesty in a garden that takes you at least 3 hours to walk through.  Amsterdam is easy for me.

I understand Dutch for the most part, navigating my way through menus, signs and talking to everyone was fun and exhilarating.  However, almost everyone speaks English and are happy to accommodate (unlike going to France where the French, can definitely speak English, they refuse to and actually act insulted that in your 3 day visit you haven’t yet picked up their language!)

In the middle of rush-hour traffic, scooters honking, bikes zig-zagging to get by as fast as possible, tourists stopping suddenly to take a picture, I always stop.  This time, my reflection stop was in the yellow clog. That Giant Yellow Clog next to Madame Tussad’s in the middle of Tourist mayhem. It was my second time sitting in it, having my picture taken.

Smile. Snap. Like everyone else....

My mind was so clear.

Travel does something to me, that is the reason it’s such an addiction.  It is like some weird sense of clarity comes over me and all of a sudden, I feel like a small part of a giant world.  I feel part of it all and separated from it all. My routine and stress seems far away. I look at my love taking my picture. Robert travels so non-chalantly. He has a weird way of just being thrown into any new situation and making it seem like he’s done this a million times before.  He loves every bit of it. But the main difference between us is – his love for the world is like one of: “wow that is cool” – Mine is one of: “I want to cut open my skin and put it all in there and sew myself back up again” – ok that was horrible. But I feel it. All of it. It becomes a part of my heart, it crawls into my veins and then not only am I there.. but it is now a part of me.

Then the puppy arrived.  The moment, I opened his crate at the airport and he slowly came out to greet me with those green/grey eyes, unsure of himself, but wagging his tail. I was SO in love. I transported him home and he was crying bloody murder. I didnt realize he had pooped in his crate - probably from being on a plane for 5 hours..

We got home and I cleaned him, cleaned the crate and just held him in my arms. What a moment. Then all the family arrived to meet him. Such a sweet boy - he just jumped and licked everyone.  I knew this journey would be hard and tiring.  Adopting a Cane Corso (Mastiff) - remember Zeus??.. big powerful dog.. Our boy who died last December...

Well, Riddick is going to be bigger. So we have to ensure he is well-trained.  He is such a lover, though. He loves his mommy - and he snuggles close to me. He always looks to me for approval and he loves to run around. What Puppy fun he is.

Looking in his eyes, all I feel is love and adoration. What a cute puppy. What a happy addition to our family.

Today I am reflecting…. Random ramblings

I never thought I would get married again.

The excitement of the idea, the busy-ness of life over shadows the reality.  When reality finally sets in, you have moments of “why did I do this again?” LOL And moments of feeling like you belong somewhere. You are part of something bigger than yourself.  You remember that relationships make you self-less or at least challenge your selfishness. We always think our partners just simply refuse to see things our way. But in essence, both parties feel that way. It is our innate, primal guardianship of our own desires and ways of doing things. Now, I am not saying that you have to give up yourself. But marriage is a process of learning how to compromise and be selfless.

But I only started appreciating this lesson the second time around.  I will memoir about marriage number one, but I finally realized how stupid and selfish I was back then.  I let go of a great person and a great life for reasons that now seem ridiculous. Not that I have regrets or am wallowing in my past. It was hard lessons learned.  In some ways, this time it is harder.  I am seeing the same stubborn streaks in myself that I am yet to let go of. At the same time, one has the unconscious habit of "punishing" your current partner for your past partner's misdeeds.  I will never truly be sure why we, humans creatures of such habit - do this.  I do know this, marriage is God's way of showing you a true reflection of who you really are. Not who you are at work, where you put on Professional Face. Or with your friends where you put on Social Face. Or with your family - where you think you are not putting on any face, but you hide all your short comings just enough for them to not hate you.

Marriage is where it all happens.  It is the raw place where no matter how long you try to keep up any sort if idea of yourself.. You always get revealed.  And that revelation either brings conflict with your spouse, or acceptance of yourself and grace for the other, because you realize you are also not "all that"!

And so together you become strong.  You learn this a little quicker when you are married for a second time. You choose wiser battles. Or maybe you are just too old to fight as hard for your own opinion!

Kids: I tell you, being a mother – I salute you all.. it’s the shittiest job around. I am sorry to offend anyone, but I dare say being a step-mom is a lot harder. And here is why.  When you are their mother, you will never hear “you are not my mother you can’t tell me what to do”. You will do all the same stuff for them but their father and maybe bio-mom will always get huge hugs and praise..

Also, when the kids act like assholes, I would like to do what my mom did to me, slap the crap out of you – But as a step-mom you cannot do it!  However, this journey has also taught me how to love beyond my capacity.  It is easy to love a child you carried and gave birth to. They are part of you. 

You have to learn to love kids who sometimes don't like you. Lets be honest, they didn't choose you. They didn't choose for their world and family to be divided and now they have an "extra" person they need to listen to.   It is hard on the kids and you feel like you are constantly trying to "be part of the family"

A the same time, this role  fills me up – it makes me see God.. His Grace and love.  He has called me to be a bonus mom.. I used to hate that term - like I am not the "real mom"

But isnt you BONUS better than your salary when you get it hahahahha  Well, I like the idea of being a bonus.  Yes, you always feel restricted in what you can say or do and you always feel taken for granted.. but

These kids:  These little "mine, but not mine" kids. I would give my life for them.

Some days in my life, I lay in bed wondering should I even show up today for my life. I have no desire to feed the dog, clean the house, do laundry, work out, go to work, cook, make decisions, discipline kids, contend with my husband, talk to people, take responsibility or "Adult" in any way, shape or form…

Most days I decide to show up,  because I realize that life is a battlefield. Life is brutal. But it’s also beautiful. Brutiful, I call it. Life’s brutal and beautiful are woven together so tightly that they can’t be separated. Reject the brutal, reject the beauty. So now I embrace both, and I live well and hard and real.

Our pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

And I promise you.. I will be a lot less that 4 months before I blog again! J

 THIS IS US