Slowly saying Goodbye to 2018....

My broken was attracted to your broken, maybe that’s why I allowed you to break me.

This is stuck in my head. Like a record on repeat.

I am stuck in my body like a record on repeat.

I am stuck in my minds' wilderness yes, you guessed it, hitting repeat.. peat.. peat...

But what is it?

Is it finally saying goodbye to whatever ghosts I am hanging onto. 

I need a serious reinvention. I am weak, stuck and broken.

No one can fix me, but me.

Nothing I have is mine and this is something I cannot get used to. The control freak in me just cannot reconcile this borrowed life I have now.   The life I once had,  I just decided something and did it. I walked in and I walked out when I saw fit.

People used to ask me how dare I think that a girl from a small ugly town in South Africa..can dream of Hollywood and dream big.  How dare I think I can change anyone's world.  But I did. I am. Well... I was...

I don't know how to make sense of this post at this time. Maybe in time, I will be able to fully explain myself.

I have had this poem saved in my Gmail draft folder since 2012...

Grammar

It’s the tiny space between my words to you,
the hesitations that were never there before—
I just can’t find an easy way to say what’s true
and touch this thing that reaches to our core.

The beauty of what’s you I knew when you arrived
in blood and tiny fingers, reaching blindly at it all
for I was father to your joy that you’d survived
and blossomed, one from two, into this flesh to call

your own and grow as I began my fall to here
and you so far more than I’d ever dreamed
rose tall, my dear, which makes it all too clear
to me, if only I can see and hear between

the hesitations, words and nearly endless breaths:
to have joyful births, there must be joyful deaths.

It felt like an awkward sort of destiny had secretly attached itself to me ...

I found this poem one day online as I was just bored and looking for inspiring things to read. When I read it, it reached into my soul and got such a powerful hold over me.  I kept it written down and memorized. I read it over and over for days on end.  Then I tried to source the author. It was months before I discovered who it was...

Later that year, I met the author's son. By pure  and utter happenstance and when our eyes met, our very hearts and souls collided. It was like nothing I had felt before. I wrote about this in the past.  I thought I was just starstruck and I brushed it off. But I dreamed of the way he looked at me for months before we truly found ourselves alone.

How can it not be some sort of sordid destiny to find a poem so obscure, the Author can barely be located,  how can it be a universal random to meet his son and fall in love with him.  How bizarre that he was part of Hollywood and I had longed for Hollywood in some measure since I was 12..   At points, I felt like I was witch hunting and putting serendipity into stupidity..

But - the way he pursued me, with relentlessness made me wonder...

In some ways, I blame myself, in some ways I blame fate.  I was too dam stubborn. I was too dam scared in the end.  And destiny eluded me.

I have moved on.  Truly moved on. My heart is clear.  I don't regret anything. I know some of you will read this the wrong way, whatever - these are just my nocturnal ramblings. My heart feels inside out.  

Now he has finally moved on and it honestly hurts. 

And I don't know why. 

Perhaps it is because the way it ended  - was never an actual end.

We tried so hard for things to begin.. and it was like turning the key to a car engine and it runs for a few seconds then dies and you keep trying and trying and it keeps just keeps failing.  One day it starts and its the best ride of your life and then boom.. stop. Short.. never to go again. 

And you keep wondering, and he keeps wondering. And then one day you realize you have to let go.

We lived in a fantasy through our talks on the phone, our brief meetings in the shadows of both our worlds that just seemed like oil and water..

I lived in constant fear of never feeling good enough for his world, and if there is one thing you should know about me, I do NOT like to feel bad about myself for any reason.


I got over him the feelings and the hopes and inklings a long while back when I gave my heart to another, but I just don't know what this is..

I truly can't explain it.

I am walking around in a Soul Sahara and I keep sinking. 

A part of me thinks it really has nothing to do with him at all, he just happens to be all over the news as my heart feels lost.  It is like when an ex throws their new lover in your face..

Ugh well.. this too .. shall.. pass...  (Read my previous blog - it probably explains why I feel this way hahahahahaha)

I am trying to slowly say goodbye to 2018 and welcome in a New Year and a New Me.

May God be with me.

Thanks for the memories though.

I guess it was never really MY destiny….

Warning:
This blog post is not for the super religious, over enthusiast who would like to judge me while I am  in a down place. Go away!~

I thought a lot about this piece as I have had so much time over the past while to contemplate my life.

I have it made.  In theory. 😊 but...

Let me start from where I am at right now,  and work my way backwards, it will make more sense.

Today, I am a PA to a wealthy, well-accomplished entrepreneur. We are in a weird space. We have no company, or business to speak of... we are starting from scratch and not sure where we are headed. But the money is there, and we are thriving. I love working for him.  I  have great respect and admiration for him and we have built a very strange, yet workable very respectful professional relationship over the past 6 years.  I have no office right now. It has been this way for about 8 months.
 But soon, we will have an office again and then my life will chameleon as it always does.

The work is sporadic. I vacillate between feeling bored at home, to rushing to an Accounting meeting.  Life personally is also in a weird block. We started sharing the kids with their mother. (Oh, yes, she returned) – In any case, we are all settled into a new routine now and trying to let go of the past. It is hard to do without feeling a huge amount of conflict. I fought so hard to preserve their relationship with their mother in her absence - story for another time.. Actually.. that isn't my story to tell...

On the weeks without the kids, I spend my time working out, working, cleaning, preparing for the girls' return.  I also meet up with my Step mom group, do some volunteering and stare at the walls and have naps with my dog!.  But there are days like today when I just feel lost. Bored. Nothing to do. It isn't because I have nothing to do.. it is just this feeling of displacement.

Everyone tells me: “Just enjoy It, because it won’t last forever”. I know this. But  inner feelings of boredom does something to you. It robs you of your motivation and sometimes your self-respect goes out the window. 

Maybe that is why my mother always said: “The Devil finds work for idle hands!”

I digress..................................................

I married a wonderful man. Ordinary, family oriented person who is very passionate about life and his children.  I have honestly never met a more dedicated Father, I am in awe of his awkwardness with 2 beautiful girls, yet he is so comfortable in the role and his daughters admiration and love for their "daddy" Just makes me fall in love with it all...  He is simple, he is complex. Run of the mill lifestyle - but his ideas and his mind transcends convention.

As you all know it has been a 5 year complex and tough journey.   The struggle with the kids’ pain. The juggling of schedules, In laws, the dying of my beloved dog and all that stuff in between which just sent my whole being in a tail spin.  My life has been mayhem. 

When mayhem hits like a hurricane and then one day you wake up and there is suddenly a calm.... It feels... haunting, unsettling  .... wrong almost~ eerie in fact.

What inspired this piece is this whole feeling of displacement, please stay with me.. we are getting there...

I have been very open and honest about just about everything that is me.  It all started in 2006 when I moved to the USA. And my candor was sometimes criticized, But it was still mine. My journey.  I wrote a lot about my life in the limelight and my work with Celebrities.

With that life comes the actors / the people.  I dabbled in it all. I got sucked in willingly and rode the proverbial wave...  It was fun, but I always felt like I had kept my head above water.  I kept my wits about me.  I stayed grounded...

Well, at least i avoided becoming either jaded or deluded...

Today  was trolling the tabloids as one does sometimes (you know, in that bored place) and then I saw it....

This is where I am going with this destiny crap:

All of my Hollywood somethings, turned into nothing. I have no regrets at all. Just thoughts and wanderings in my mind at points. I cherish all that was. My past is a big sculptor of who I am right now.

Not sure why I have to preface everything with a statement of clarity... but that is me I guess..

I love all that is my life. I love my children. I used to think that children take over your life and you are left with no life. But man, they ARE your life and watching them, shaping them and enjoying every bit of seeing a human evolve from child to adult, even with all the admin and struggles.. I can safely say it is THE biggest joy of my heart right now. Yes, I consider them mine. I don't desire nor ever felt like I was their mother, or ever felt the need to replace anyone. I have MY place with them. I am Delise. And when they think of me.. I want them to think of DELISE and who I am to them.. Not a replacement mom of any kind I have added dimensions to their life.. I think I have accomplished being another person who loves and cares for them ... God has blessed me, I am proud of it. I do not shun away from who I am to them.. It is my badge of honor.

Back to Hollywood:

Today I saw an actor & famous sports person - David -  a guy who chatted me up for years.. Gorgeous guy. And oh, he knew it... I was not all that interested in him mostly because he was so into himself, I thought I was too vain to be with someone with whom I would have to compete for beauty points.

And, I felt like most of the times he took me to lunch was to find out what Hollywood connections I have. He pressed me and flirted with me in order to find out more about my Director friends and who I could connect him with. It was quite off putting. He always worked an angle.   Today, the Tabloid was about David and his new woman. And wow she is gorgeous. A Model, an actress, a beauty queen.  I guess he caught his big break and moved out of Arizona... I am happy for him, But It also left me feeling off.

I dated A-listers, B-listers, I even flirted with Z-listers and “nobody’s” at all.

At the height of it all - I thought Jake was the one... Maybe at the time I just hoped..  His relentless pursuit of me often made me think maybe it was destiny for us.. and somehow we will work our way through Hollywood crap, through his scheduling nightmares, through all my hang ups and be just two people.. together...

But it just never happened and in my soul .. you know ...in that deep, dark place where only you and God go... I KNEW I did not have the thick skin you need to have to be in his world.  In many ways I sabotaged my own chances..  He often told me that I kept myself way too far away, way too unavailable. I denied it..

Before I met Robert, I really kept wondering how the universe was going to collide us together.. I was head strong.   I was.. and I wasn't.  Hollywood is enticing. The lifestyle you imagine yourself having is a dream. But the actuality of the situation is that it is a busy game of hide and seek, on again off again, unsure of where you stand most of the time, waiting, waiting. You will never matter as much as they matter to people.. and If you are ok with that  - it is step one.

Step two is - It is competitive. Whether you want to or not, it hurls you into competing with the world, the tabloids, even friends and family...  You don't trust or know who really wants to be your friend for you.. You question everything.. ALL... THE.. TIME...

MOSTLY-  it touches every core of insecurity you have and exposes it, it is ruthless.. and will tear you apart to see what you are made of and for what? Nothing really - just to entertain people.

 Really this is not for the fainthearted. And I was that - fainthearted to my own insecurities about myself.  After all.. I was  "Nobody" and every time I was with Jake, people needed to remind me of who I wasn't whether intentional or not. 

I am kind of feeling sorry for myself today is what it is..

Not for the reasons you might think.  Not about love and Loss of Hollywood.. persay

Just about me.

Back to David,  I look at the women these guys “end up with” and I look at myself now and my struggles with my weight and looks and feel kinda like, I was never gonna be THAT anyway..

I feel like Lady Gaga in that Movie: "A Star is Born" - the ordinary (even ugly) girl. Not even anything remarkable about her looks.. but at least she had a voice. .. I - not so much. I just had my ghetto roots from Eldos.. and a pretty face.

Today I saw the girl with David and I was like. Yep that’s how it is meant to be. I could never really walk the red carpet with these dudes. Not the way I turned out looking.

This is all superficial stuff.

Don’t judge me. I don’t have low self-confidence. I am venting about some things we all feel at one point or another. My weight is such an uphill battle for me.. I have aged a  ton, and from what I used to look like,  I am very homely looking these days. And I am sorry - But I cannot help but feel sad for myself.

A part of me blames my family life. The constant stress I am under as a Step-mom. My work, lack of work, willy-wonker schedule, hormones, thyroid,  All valid points...

I tried to blame so many things.  But in the end…..

I am here because of… me.
I stay here because of... me

I love my life.

I love my job

I love my family

I love being normal and boring

I love having a big old dog and do park runs

But I HATE.. what life has done to my body and face

If anyone out there just wants to get real without any judgement for a minute... I can finally say I no longer feel attractive and I am HAPPY I am not in Hollywood~!  For That very reason.  Well, a few reasons, but I am glad I am not the one the tabloids titled: "Beautiful Celebrities who married ugly people".....

(yes, google it.. it's a real thing)

I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.

It sucks

Yep! I went there.

Well, I am adding to this post, because today's News is that Jake has a new Model girlfriend. Makes sense. :)

OMG - I have literally had the exact same hairstyle for 11 years :(

Mother In Law

September 4th, 2018

Well, today sure is a sad day....

I was 16 years old.  I met this cute guy in a park in Eldorado Park,  Johannesburg, South Africa.  He had long hair, a mustache and no shirt.  Drove a white, loud and fast Golf.  We started talking, connecting, flirting.  He came to my house one day to visit. As my mom arrived home from work, she yelled: "Oh My word, you are Phoebe's son!" I was shocked. She started her Eunice cackle and told us how she knew Craig's mom - Phoebe Moore. They were taxi buddies together and shared stories and pics of their children...

Fast Forward 27 years.  Even after Craig and I had gotten divorced, my "mum" (Phoebe) always remained that to me. She, her husband (dad) and Craig's siblings still treated me with so much love and respect as if I had never left their family.  Craig and I have remained friends.  I had so much heartache over the divorce, because of so much regret I felt..  But the family was still my family in some bizarre way.

Mum always smiled. You can ask anyone who knew Sister Phoebe Moore - she was the most gracious and pleasant woman.  The best one could ask for. So accepting and gracious, and she never let a day go by without me feeling like I am her daughter - not an outsider.. a true member of the family as if she had birthed me herself.

She had so much love and care to give.  Living in South Africa I was privileged to eat her Beef Chow Mein, handed down from her Chinese Heritage on Sundays.  Mum has a great story - the best part of it, was her unwavering faith in God.  One other story was how when she was young she was considered "white" in the Apartheid Era of South Africa - and her husband was considered "Colored" It was a crime for them to date or be seen together, so, like Trevor Noah - Mum, too was "born a crime"! - or in her case - a criminal, since she committed a crime by dating, then marrying outside of her race.

But the love story prevailed.  Mum and Dad ran a tight ship and sometimes their children pushed back against the drill sergeant ways. But there was NO mistaking the love and humility that was always found in the Moore home.  Mom and Dad had so much love for each other and mostly, so much Love and Faith in God.  Their home was a haven for their children and their church.

There was one family imprecation... a genetic syndrome that affected Uncle Patrick (Mum's brother) and later in the years affect mum who became very weak because of it.But man, she marched on regardless!

My mother and her visited each other from time to time and they spoke about Craig and I.  Neither one could wrap their minds around why we were not together. And every time my Mother would visit her, I would get a text about: "Phoebe and I were just talking.. so why did you get divorced again".. they were loving and accepting though. They were friends for life. We were family for life.

Every morning my mom would send Phoebe a text of encouragement for the day. As I write this I can hear mom's voice. Though I haven't heard it in so many years...  it was always so alive. So welcoming.

There is so much more I can and want to say.. but it hurts too much..

On August 23rd, 2019  - I received this text:

"Hi Delise, how are you?"... a few other questions and answers..  "I really hope I see you again one day Delise"  My response was: "Thanks Mum, I hope to see you again someday too, I love you".  "I love you too".

Then on September 4th I found out she was gone.....


Rest in Peace - Mum.. I will definitely see you again

May the God of our hearts be with us all....

The Yardstick of expectation

Oh, Hi - yes it's me.. your old friend who you thought was long lost in another realm!

Nope - here I am.

I have been thoroughly absorbed in my new job - which is really my old job, but busier, newer and more complicated to explain!

Also, once Clint finished his Movie Script: "Carpenter" - I have worked tirelessly to get connected to the right people in order to get this movie off the ground, But it just fell flat. I must be honest, even though, this wasn't my personal writing or project, I believed in it so much, and I feel this heavy weight of disappointment at not really getting an "in" with the people I know. It makes me question my connections...

In between that I have been dealing with a teenage drama queen, a pre-tween and a husband who hates his job, and just seems disinterested with life in general. BUT my puppy is awesome. He is now 14  months old and so cute, such a joy and so much fun to have around.

sounds bismal?  Well, wait for the silver lining at the end.

I have been clearing out my bosses storage units, selling, donating etc.

here I am.. May 2018 - I have finally started a proper diet.... I have gained so much weight and aged so much - while nothing can turn back time.. I am so determined to not allow anything more ugly and devastating to happen to me (now who is being the drama queen!)

But seriously.  Expectations.. Lets talk about them..  Next time hahha


This is me unedited and how I look and am now.

I am determined to resurrect this blog!!  here I go....

OMG where did 2017 go?

Well, wherever it went, I don't really care. I am just super glad its over and done with!

Posts coming

2018

New Beginnings :)