I guess it was never really MY destiny….

Warning:
This blog post is not for the super religious, over enthusiast who would like to judge me while I am  in a down place. Go away!~

I thought a lot about this piece as I have had so much time over the past while to contemplate my life.

I have it made.  In theory. 😊 but...

Let me start from where I am at right now,  and work my way backwards, it will make more sense.

Today, I am a PA to a wealthy, well-accomplished entrepreneur. We are in a weird space. We have no company, or business to speak of... we are starting from scratch and not sure where we are headed. But the money is there, and we are thriving. I love working for him.  I  have great respect and admiration for him and we have built a very strange, yet workable very respectful professional relationship over the past 6 years.  I have no office right now. It has been this way for about 8 months.
 But soon, we will have an office again and then my life will chameleon as it always does.

The work is sporadic. I vacillate between feeling bored at home, to rushing to an Accounting meeting.  Life personally is also in a weird block. We started sharing the kids with their mother. (Oh, yes, she returned) – In any case, we are all settled into a new routine now and trying to let go of the past. It is hard to do without feeling a huge amount of conflict. I fought so hard to preserve their relationship with their mother in her absence - story for another time.. Actually.. that isn't my story to tell...

On the weeks without the kids, I spend my time working out, working, cleaning, preparing for the girls' return.  I also meet up with my Step mom group, do some volunteering and stare at the walls and have naps with my dog!.  But there are days like today when I just feel lost. Bored. Nothing to do. It isn't because I have nothing to do.. it is just this feeling of displacement.

Everyone tells me: “Just enjoy It, because it won’t last forever”. I know this. But  inner feelings of boredom does something to you. It robs you of your motivation and sometimes your self-respect goes out the window. 

Maybe that is why my mother always said: “The Devil finds work for idle hands!”

I digress..................................................

I married a wonderful man. Ordinary, family oriented person who is very passionate about life and his children.  I have honestly never met a more dedicated Father, I am in awe of his awkwardness with 2 beautiful girls, yet he is so comfortable in the role and his daughters admiration and love for their "daddy" Just makes me fall in love with it all...  He is simple, he is complex. Run of the mill lifestyle - but his ideas and his mind transcends convention.

As you all know it has been a 5 year complex and tough journey.   The struggle with the kids’ pain. The juggling of schedules, In laws, the dying of my beloved dog and all that stuff in between which just sent my whole being in a tail spin.  My life has been mayhem. 

When mayhem hits like a hurricane and then one day you wake up and there is suddenly a calm.... It feels... haunting, unsettling  .... wrong almost~ eerie in fact.

What inspired this piece is this whole feeling of displacement, please stay with me.. we are getting there...

I have been very open and honest about just about everything that is me.  It all started in 2006 when I moved to the USA. And my candor was sometimes criticized, But it was still mine. My journey.  I wrote a lot about my life in the limelight and my work with Celebrities.

With that life comes the actors / the people.  I dabbled in it all. I got sucked in willingly and rode the proverbial wave...  It was fun, but I always felt like I had kept my head above water.  I kept my wits about me.  I stayed grounded...

Well, at least i avoided becoming either jaded or deluded...

Today  was trolling the tabloids as one does sometimes (you know, in that bored place) and then I saw it....

This is where I am going with this destiny crap:

All of my Hollywood somethings, turned into nothing. I have no regrets at all. Just thoughts and wanderings in my mind at points. I cherish all that was. My past is a big sculptor of who I am right now.

Not sure why I have to preface everything with a statement of clarity... but that is me I guess..

I love all that is my life. I love my children. I used to think that children take over your life and you are left with no life. But man, they ARE your life and watching them, shaping them and enjoying every bit of seeing a human evolve from child to adult, even with all the admin and struggles.. I can safely say it is THE biggest joy of my heart right now. Yes, I consider them mine. I don't desire nor ever felt like I was their mother, or ever felt the need to replace anyone. I have MY place with them. I am Delise. And when they think of me.. I want them to think of DELISE and who I am to them.. Not a replacement mom of any kind I have added dimensions to their life.. I think I have accomplished being another person who loves and cares for them ... God has blessed me, I am proud of it. I do not shun away from who I am to them.. It is my badge of honor.

Back to Hollywood:

Today I saw an actor & famous sports person - David -  a guy who chatted me up for years.. Gorgeous guy. And oh, he knew it... I was not all that interested in him mostly because he was so into himself, I thought I was too vain to be with someone with whom I would have to compete for beauty points.

And, I felt like most of the times he took me to lunch was to find out what Hollywood connections I have. He pressed me and flirted with me in order to find out more about my Director friends and who I could connect him with. It was quite off putting. He always worked an angle.   Today, the Tabloid was about David and his new woman. And wow she is gorgeous. A Model, an actress, a beauty queen.  I guess he caught his big break and moved out of Arizona... I am happy for him, But It also left me feeling off.

I dated A-listers, B-listers, I even flirted with Z-listers and “nobody’s” at all.

At the height of it all - I thought Jake was the one... Maybe at the time I just hoped..  His relentless pursuit of me often made me think maybe it was destiny for us.. and somehow we will work our way through Hollywood crap, through his scheduling nightmares, through all my hang ups and be just two people.. together...

But it just never happened and in my soul .. you know ...in that deep, dark place where only you and God go... I KNEW I did not have the thick skin you need to have to be in his world.  In many ways I sabotaged my own chances..  He often told me that I kept myself way too far away, way too unavailable. I denied it..

Before I met Robert, I really kept wondering how the universe was going to collide us together.. I was head strong.   I was.. and I wasn't.  Hollywood is enticing. The lifestyle you imagine yourself having is a dream. But the actuality of the situation is that it is a busy game of hide and seek, on again off again, unsure of where you stand most of the time, waiting, waiting. You will never matter as much as they matter to people.. and If you are ok with that  - it is step one.

Step two is - It is competitive. Whether you want to or not, it hurls you into competing with the world, the tabloids, even friends and family...  You don't trust or know who really wants to be your friend for you.. You question everything.. ALL... THE.. TIME...

MOSTLY-  it touches every core of insecurity you have and exposes it, it is ruthless.. and will tear you apart to see what you are made of and for what? Nothing really - just to entertain people.

 Really this is not for the fainthearted. And I was that - fainthearted to my own insecurities about myself.  After all.. I was  "Nobody" and every time I was with Jake, people needed to remind me of who I wasn't whether intentional or not. 

I am kind of feeling sorry for myself today is what it is..

Not for the reasons you might think.  Not about love and Loss of Hollywood.. persay

Just about me.

Back to David,  I look at the women these guys “end up with” and I look at myself now and my struggles with my weight and looks and feel kinda like, I was never gonna be THAT anyway..

I feel like Lady Gaga in that Movie: "A Star is Born" - the ordinary (even ugly) girl. Not even anything remarkable about her looks.. but at least she had a voice. .. I - not so much. I just had my ghetto roots from Eldos.. and a pretty face.

Today I saw the girl with David and I was like. Yep that’s how it is meant to be. I could never really walk the red carpet with these dudes. Not the way I turned out looking.

This is all superficial stuff.

Don’t judge me. I don’t have low self-confidence. I am venting about some things we all feel at one point or another. My weight is such an uphill battle for me.. I have aged a  ton, and from what I used to look like,  I am very homely looking these days. And I am sorry - But I cannot help but feel sad for myself.

A part of me blames my family life. The constant stress I am under as a Step-mom. My work, lack of work, willy-wonker schedule, hormones, thyroid,  All valid points...

I tried to blame so many things.  But in the end…..

I am here because of… me.
I stay here because of... me

I love my life.

I love my job

I love my family

I love being normal and boring

I love having a big old dog and do park runs

But I HATE.. what life has done to my body and face

If anyone out there just wants to get real without any judgement for a minute... I can finally say I no longer feel attractive and I am HAPPY I am not in Hollywood~!  For That very reason.  Well, a few reasons, but I am glad I am not the one the tabloids titled: "Beautiful Celebrities who married ugly people".....

(yes, google it.. it's a real thing)

I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.

It sucks

Yep! I went there.

Well, I am adding to this post, because today's News is that Jake has a new Model girlfriend. Makes sense. :)