Slowly saying Goodbye to 2018....

My broken was attracted to your broken, maybe that’s why I allowed you to break me.

This is stuck in my head. Like a record on repeat.

I am stuck in my body like a record on repeat.

I am stuck in my minds' wilderness yes, you guessed it, hitting repeat.. peat.. peat...

But what is it?

Is it finally saying goodbye to whatever ghosts I am hanging onto. 

I need a serious reinvention. I am weak, stuck and broken.

No one can fix me, but me.

Nothing I have is mine and this is something I cannot get used to. The control freak in me just cannot reconcile this borrowed life I have now.   The life I once had,  I just decided something and did it. I walked in and I walked out when I saw fit.

People used to ask me how dare I think that a girl from a small ugly town in South Africa..can dream of Hollywood and dream big.  How dare I think I can change anyone's world.  But I did. I am. Well... I was...

I don't know how to make sense of this post at this time. Maybe in time, I will be able to fully explain myself.

I have had this poem saved in my Gmail draft folder since 2012...

Grammar

It’s the tiny space between my words to you,
the hesitations that were never there before—
I just can’t find an easy way to say what’s true
and touch this thing that reaches to our core.

The beauty of what’s you I knew when you arrived
in blood and tiny fingers, reaching blindly at it all
for I was father to your joy that you’d survived
and blossomed, one from two, into this flesh to call

your own and grow as I began my fall to here
and you so far more than I’d ever dreamed
rose tall, my dear, which makes it all too clear
to me, if only I can see and hear between

the hesitations, words and nearly endless breaths:
to have joyful births, there must be joyful deaths.

It felt like an awkward sort of destiny had secretly attached itself to me ...

I found this poem one day online as I was just bored and looking for inspiring things to read. When I read it, it reached into my soul and got such a powerful hold over me.  I kept it written down and memorized. I read it over and over for days on end.  Then I tried to source the author. It was months before I discovered who it was...

Later that year, I met the author's son. By pure  and utter happenstance and when our eyes met, our very hearts and souls collided. It was like nothing I had felt before. I wrote about this in the past.  I thought I was just starstruck and I brushed it off. But I dreamed of the way he looked at me for months before we truly found ourselves alone.

How can it not be some sort of sordid destiny to find a poem so obscure, the Author can barely be located,  how can it be a universal random to meet his son and fall in love with him.  How bizarre that he was part of Hollywood and I had longed for Hollywood in some measure since I was 12..   At points, I felt like I was witch hunting and putting serendipity into stupidity..

But - the way he pursued me, with relentlessness made me wonder...

In some ways, I blame myself, in some ways I blame fate.  I was too dam stubborn. I was too dam scared in the end.  And destiny eluded me.

I have moved on.  Truly moved on. My heart is clear.  I don't regret anything. I know some of you will read this the wrong way, whatever - these are just my nocturnal ramblings. My heart feels inside out.  

Now he has finally moved on and it honestly hurts. 

And I don't know why. 

Perhaps it is because the way it ended  - was never an actual end.

We tried so hard for things to begin.. and it was like turning the key to a car engine and it runs for a few seconds then dies and you keep trying and trying and it keeps just keeps failing.  One day it starts and its the best ride of your life and then boom.. stop. Short.. never to go again. 

And you keep wondering, and he keeps wondering. And then one day you realize you have to let go.

We lived in a fantasy through our talks on the phone, our brief meetings in the shadows of both our worlds that just seemed like oil and water..

I lived in constant fear of never feeling good enough for his world, and if there is one thing you should know about me, I do NOT like to feel bad about myself for any reason.


I got over him the feelings and the hopes and inklings a long while back when I gave my heart to another, but I just don't know what this is..

I truly can't explain it.

I am walking around in a Soul Sahara and I keep sinking. 

A part of me thinks it really has nothing to do with him at all, he just happens to be all over the news as my heart feels lost.  It is like when an ex throws their new lover in your face..

Ugh well.. this too .. shall.. pass...  (Read my previous blog - it probably explains why I feel this way hahahahahaha)

I am trying to slowly say goodbye to 2018 and welcome in a New Year and a New Me.

May God be with me.

Thanks for the memories though.