2020

This year has taken its toll on me in every way possible.

I am at the cusp of another year. You all know me... I begin and end every year with something. There is so much to say.

I have known pain.. but never knew the pain of rejection could hurt so much and call every part of my soul to order.

When I lost the job I loved, it hurt. But I navigated and found a new job really quickly.  It took time to process. It was a first for me.

When I encountered the pain of rejection from a someone whom I  cared  so deeply for,  loved as my own. Given my whole heart, my resources, my life basically..  It took my breath away and a part of my heart when she proverbially kicked sand in my face.


Now, it is time to move on. I will be raw in this post.

I gave myself away to everyone in my life. With that went my beauty and my health. I am not vain to think I didn't just age naturally. But I allowed life and the stress of my life to just cause me to eat and drink and not take care of myself. You do that for a year.. and this is what you have....

But I am ready now. I am ready to face myself. I spoke with God abundantly. ...

And together we are defeating this me that has taken over. With the hard work. Yep. Not the easy stuff, not the fads and the crashes.

I have seen my soul and I have seen my body, and I am switching the one for the other... I have had an honest conversation about anything I have said and done this year that contributed to my misfortune and repented and wondered and stood amazed and been dazed and confused.

Now its time for clarity... Perfection vision..

Starting to turn the love into myself and with the help of the Almighty.. making things new.

time for 20/20 as it were.

From the inside out...

New Year poem, by Delise ...

I still think of you..

When I retreat to the corners of my memories

half of it desolate ravaged by regret

the other half lush with playful, beautiful memories made

in the middle..

there you are

Your smile, how it twists at the corners when you smile

with boyish wonder in your eyes

you speak with clarity and your words

they bury into ever inch of my soul

You're embedded

you're gone

she is there, holding you

No envy here

I look with love

it was me who walked away

from how you touched my face with a begging pondering

it was you who touched my heart with girlish wonderland

the way you took my hand and look down onto the top of my head

where did you go> Wilderness I need to know

Lush Amazon, burning down

my heart sinks

I hear cries of pain as the earth groans of man's abuse

my memories are the same

today out of the ashes, I can hear my own soul groan

yearn for more

yearn for me

yearn for new

Goodbye my love

goodbye my friend..

Love made me new.

A New Day... A New Start..  A New Me...

I started a new job on June 18th  -  after almost 7 years working with my previous Company. To say the least, this year has been a doozy. I have never been laid off or fired from any job in my life, and it rocked my heart.   I know to some people that does not seem to be that big of a deal. But to me, it was new territory – negotiating fears and emotions I had never felt or had to face before.

I am writing today to just re-introduce myself into the blogging world. Sorry I have been gone. Gone too long.

Please don’t write me off just yet. I am at the cusp of another reinvention and this time, it is even more raw and more honest than it ever has. 

This is how I will begin(again):

June 26^th, 2019

I am Delise. I am 44 Years old. I weigh 130lbs   - which is about 12lbs more than I should. 

I Am proudly South African and Proudly American. I am a race car driver, a warrior of women - ending Girl hate in this world. I am a philanthropist.  I am a Gemini and a true believer in the One True God. 

And I am here today to start a new journey. Intimacy with myself, with my life and a raw unedited version of who I am. Hopefully through it all, you will be able to gain some love and wisdom along to way.

"It is better to make a mistake with the full force of your being than to timidly avoid making mistakes with a trembling spirit. Responsibility means recognizing both pleasure and price, action and consequence, then making a choice - with passion and conviction" - Dan Millman

My (Attempted) Review of a Movie:

“Velvet Buzzsaw” – Dan Gilroy (Writer / Director)

This Review is my opinion on the movie and not a recap of it.  In short, it is a Horror Film about the Modern Art world.

Firstly, the movie is enticing because of the A-List ensemble cast. Let’s talk John Malkovich, Rene Russo, Jake Gyllenhaal and Tony Collette.  These are not small timers. Tom Sturridge did a great and weird performance as an eccentric art dealer with an authentic South African accent and earring to boot. (And this coming from a fellow South African – Kudos!) – this got my attention for a few minutes.  However, the characters turn out to be a dark somber collection of bumbling idiots.

John Malkovich has the ability to put a bizarre and creepy twist into any movie and again did not disappoint. I am yet to uncover what his role in the movie is, or the point of his character at all.

Gyllenhaal ofcourse, perfectly over-acted the part of the imperious, impatient bisexual art critic, who is actually just a critic of life and people in general.  It is a good sell though.  I did laugh. Yes, this is marketed as a contemporary Cinema "Nouveau" Horror flick. But the dying scenes were hilarious. Between my drunken hilarity and picking my toenails, I enjoyed the entertainment of the outlandish characters;  as well as my own, personal journey into trying to figure everything out, all-the-while trying to absorb all the perfect and beautifully thought provoking lines given to Gyllenhaal.

He is a master at complex monologue. I will give him that. But my overall feeling about his character was that it was lame.  I didn’t connect. The dialogue was way too fast to really absorb Dan Gilroy’s great writing skill with lines delivered fluently by the amazing talent cast for this movie.  Each time I would try to reach my ear toward the TV to listen to what someone was saying, while mentally absorbing the profound nature of the speech (and trying not to spill my wine), someone would be killed in a bizarre fashion by a painting leaving me "what the F**ing" all over the place.  Pause. 

Rene Russo avoided being remembered too fondly by me. She was meant to be the center of the film as a nefarious hardhearted bitch art -dealer, but I somehow only remember the end – which I won’t giveaway in this review   -->but believe me, you will either piss your pants laughing or just feel annoyed and bored.

I won’t say this is a bad movie at all. In fact, it is quite clever, and Dan is a genius to cast this group.  Other reviews have said it was a waste of a million dollar cast.  I boldly disagree - how else would you get Netflix to buy this shit??

It makes everyone around say "what the fuck” in good and bad ways.  And let's be honest: “A bad review is better than sinking into the great glut of anonymity”.  **That by the way is one of Gyllenhaal's lines from the movie. I had to Google it, because it sped by my ears over his flamboyant nerd glasses and idiotic mumbling.

I would definitely recommend it.  It might scare you, (probably not much) - But it will amuse, confuse and entertain you.  You might get a little chuckle out of it, so do yourself a favor – watch it with wine. A.. LOT.. of wine 😊

Enjoy!

It’s a New Day!!

2018 was rough. But also, really good.

The advent of 2019 has brought a bunch of newness.  It feels like breathing clean air for the first time in ages.

I started unsuccessfully on my clean eating diet.  Well, it was constantly  the same old struggle of night TV time, wine and chocolates. I just did not know how to kick the habit!  I kept telling myself: " I deserve it, after a long, hard day". 

Every… night..  Finally I found something that works for me.

Beside that, I moved back into an office and at first, I thought it was going to be terrible. But it has started off so well. It has been fun and busy to be in the office environment again.  Juggling the kids and their schedules has been interesting (especially this week because my husband has been sick) – But all in all Happy Things!

We are looking for a new house, a new job for my husband. We just want to move our family into a new direction.

I find critique so limiting and emotionally draining – I am trying to clean up my life in every area. I realized a long time ago that without God, we truly cannot change our ways no matter how positive we are.

I did see my Father quit smoking cold turkey after being a smoker for many years and he never went back. Kudos to will-power.  But it never made him a better person. My point is, we can rearrange our habits and still be shitty people.  So I am trying to do both.

Lets talk KETO

People debate this diet constantly. But it just simply works for me! It just does. I have to really be good on it to lose the weight, but I feel SO much better about myself and my life in general.  I am hopeful that the weight will come off successfully after the allotted 28 days.

I went to the ER with my daughter last night. It started off as maybe appendicitis and ended up being constipation. It was an expensive lesson for her. Well for me.. but it helped her realize that you cannot just eat whatever you want and be healthy. It look me about 35 years to realize this and now I am back peddling. But, since we live in the NOW – cant change the past.. I am doing all I can to be healthy now.

So many people say Keto isn’t exactly helathy because I am not eating a bunch of fruit every day and veggies are not free. But I eat more veggies now that I did before – so simple for ME – I am doing better.

It is now day 11 and I have cheated 1 day.. and felt horrible – I am sticking with this way of eating until I see the benefits. Everyday I will get better and better with the science of it all.

I am in the process of applying for a New South African passport, I need to travel home this year and get some t hings figured out!!

Ok that is all from me – boring. But hey – aren’t you glad I am back??? Hahahhahahahha