My (Attempted) Review of a Movie:

“Velvet Buzzsaw” – Dan Gilroy (Writer / Director)

This Review is my opinion on the movie and not a recap of it.  In short, it is a Horror Film about the Modern Art world.

Firstly, the movie is enticing because of the A-List ensemble cast. Let’s talk John Malkovich, Rene Russo, Jake Gyllenhaal and Tony Collette.  These are not small timers. Tom Sturridge did a great and weird performance as an eccentric art dealer with an authentic South African accent and earring to boot. (And this coming from a fellow South African – Kudos!) – this got my attention for a few minutes.  However, the characters turn out to be a dark somber collection of bumbling idiots.

John Malkovich has the ability to put a bizarre and creepy twist into any movie and again did not disappoint. I am yet to uncover what his role in the movie is, or the point of his character at all.

Gyllenhaal ofcourse, perfectly over-acted the part of the imperious, impatient bisexual art critic, who is actually just a critic of life and people in general.  It is a good sell though.  I did laugh. Yes, this is marketed as a contemporary Cinema "Nouveau" Horror flick. But the dying scenes were hilarious. Between my drunken hilarity and picking my toenails, I enjoyed the entertainment of the outlandish characters;  as well as my own, personal journey into trying to figure everything out, all-the-while trying to absorb all the perfect and beautifully thought provoking lines given to Gyllenhaal.

He is a master at complex monologue. I will give him that. But my overall feeling about his character was that it was lame.  I didn’t connect. The dialogue was way too fast to really absorb Dan Gilroy’s great writing skill with lines delivered fluently by the amazing talent cast for this movie.  Each time I would try to reach my ear toward the TV to listen to what someone was saying, while mentally absorbing the profound nature of the speech (and trying not to spill my wine), someone would be killed in a bizarre fashion by a painting leaving me "what the F**ing" all over the place.  Pause. 

Rene Russo avoided being remembered too fondly by me. She was meant to be the center of the film as a nefarious hardhearted bitch art -dealer, but I somehow only remember the end – which I won’t giveaway in this review   -->but believe me, you will either piss your pants laughing or just feel annoyed and bored.

I won’t say this is a bad movie at all. In fact, it is quite clever, and Dan is a genius to cast this group.  Other reviews have said it was a waste of a million dollar cast.  I boldly disagree - how else would you get Netflix to buy this shit??

It makes everyone around say "what the fuck” in good and bad ways.  And let's be honest: “A bad review is better than sinking into the great glut of anonymity”.  **That by the way is one of Gyllenhaal's lines from the movie. I had to Google it, because it sped by my ears over his flamboyant nerd glasses and idiotic mumbling.

I would definitely recommend it.  It might scare you, (probably not much) - But it will amuse, confuse and entertain you.  You might get a little chuckle out of it, so do yourself a favor – watch it with wine. A.. LOT.. of wine 😊

Enjoy!