HARD PLACES

Through all the joy that comes around in my life [and this year in particular] I STOPto be grateful -> to laugh, enjoy every moment and feel conscious of the blessings I have been undeservedly given. I live in it and just take it all in.  Then, every now and again I find myself in that place where I let parts of myself go, I share heartaches with someone and it opens a wound again.  I love opening wounds, because it is a reminder of the strength I have developed through overcoming adversity in my life. But it hurts.

A great faith washes through me, my breath dies a little and I sit and relive some things and wonder how I ever got through it.  I’ve felt an aching pain in my chest the past few days. Not literally, but its familiar, all semblance of grace and joy leaves me for a few minutes – surrounded by a darkness of the soul.

I am constantly being engaged in the process of spiritual refinement. I sometimes wish that when pain becomes a scar, that it will forever remain unfelt.. But not so is life. And I think God in His purpose created it that way – it is what makes us alive.. why should we not want to embrace our pain which shapes us more than our joys?

It is definitely a mysterious and challenging existence.

The deeper I step into the landscape of events past, the more I find pieces of myself there.  A little child left behind in a corner – or a woman aching from her soul. I  have dreams of “what could have been” if innocence remained. Then again, innocence is like time.. you cannot hold onto it, no matter how you try. Once its gone – its just gone.

My own spiritual journey began with a passionate longing for God and has led me through the gardens and fires of each day of my life.  Being so married. So committed. So involved. So inlove. So intune. With South Africa, my soul mate, my love, my life, my wind , my breath, My past. My future, my known, my unknown...

I don’t know – these are just “ramblings of a mind unplugged” today I guess…

I look at people as a scattered tribe of souls that God has commissioned me to gather together and love. Help. Nurture. Round up and carry on. And I have been so enveloped in my own joys and my own hurts that I have forgotten them too many times to count.

BUT - Love always seems to find my emptiness knows just how to fill me up again. I know to some I am being cryptic.. But I know to those who know.. will know where I am coming from.

It’s my day to just ramble and put thoughts onto paper.. as my soul cries out STOP – for a minute. I want to breathe!

I want to remove myself from the world for a minute and the disquietudes of this life and just think. In a technologically driven world, I find this a painful chore. Especially because of the job I have – my entire life-bread depends on me being perpetually being glued to my phone, my computer – my mind never has the luxury to switch off and disconnect.

I want to make a covenant with silence for a day – but it’s impossible.. People… need.. me….

Isn’t that the mantra we all sing? Ugh Oh! Its annoying. People think because I live alone that it’s easy to shut the world out. It calls to me through mediums that sometimes I would rather just throw out the window.. But I cant. Because that house.. that I live in alone.. gets paid by the people who reach to me all the freaking time!!

So.. anyway.. here I am.

Memories of loss and pain
Desires for solitude and comfort
I will be me again.
Tomorrow.

So this had me thinking…

 Albany

I went to a wedding in Albany, NY a few weeks ago. WOW! What fun. It was wonderful to see the changing of the leaves. As you know, I reside in the desert and all we have here is dirt and hot weather!  I played in the leaves, I danced under the grey angry sky and I twirked with a lesbian.

I did get stuck there one night longer, so that was a little stressful. But it was a fun little trip.

I have been working on quite a few projects, spending time with the people in my life and working really hard. I am starting to think of my next vacation and where that may be.. I am a little cash strapped right now, so Paris might have to wait till next year.

I look at my life now and how settled I am, compared to the past.  I guess your life just balances itself out eventually.  Well, and it isn’t so much that I wasn’t settled before, but I feel like my gypsy heart is at a resting place. Don’t mistake being settled for being complacent.

I still have my challenges. My weight has sky rocketed and I find myself in that endless fight to get it down. I am currently at 117lbs.. Which is 17lbs more than I was 3 years ago. Depressing. I write it on here because its sad, and I hope that announcing my defeat to the world might make me more motivated to change it..

So, I was working on a little gift / art project and one of the creative items I was looking for was words.. those cut outs that you can creatively stick on things to make it look cool. I realized that not one store had the word passion!   I saw “Love”, “Romance”, “Cheers” etc.. it had me wondering about this current culture that we live in.. is it just an over sight, a word used only in sexual context or is it that our generation really don’t have or live with passion?

I love the word ‘passion’ – I think people use it flippantly or sexually. Ofcouse it DOES have that connotation. But to me, I have always been intrigued by  and drawn to people who do things with passion or who display an unwavering conviction and excitement for whatever it is they do.  I find it very interesting that the word actually comes from the Latin word “pati” – which means to ‘Suffer”.. it’s a strong aching for something, a painful forceful, volcanic need for something or someone.

I guess I have always written my life story on the fiery pages of pain, aching, conviction, ardent, boundless, limitless, powerful, furious forces of passion…

I don’t know –call me crazy, but why would you want to live any other way??

So, I have been having a go at taking care of a dog.  Remember how I have always wanted  a St. Bernard.. and how I wanted to be Heidi like my whole life – even though I have had a terrifying fear of dogs my whole life lol – yep ever the Condondrum -   Well, this dog is about that size. Very well trained.  But I think I have been cured of wanted a big dog. No scratch that.. I have been cured of ever wanting a dog.. I will go on dreaming I can float on clouds and own a fluffer J

A Collage of Smiles....

 

On the cusp of moving to a new apartment yet again, I couldnt think of a better blog than one about the smiles of my life.

2013...

So this year was, as each year is, full of surprises.. a few hard places and heartaches.. But I feel like Barcelona happened, changed me, gave me another layer inside and then my life kicked into warped speed.

I did something brave and courageous.. and met some incredible people.  One of them being myself. In my journey of many smiles, I met me.. the passion that slowly shows itself in its many forms, suddenly burst from my being and boom! My life was different.

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words – (Emily Dickenson). 
 
Something I have always fanned the flame of.. and when the hope of something amazing becomes reality.. then it takes you by surprise... I am now basking in what life has put in my path.. a challenge nonetheless.. but my heart is at this moment filled with passion and gratitude.

Ok, a little recap.. After Barcelona, I went to Salt Lake city for a weekend. It was invigorating. A quaint little Mormon town. Lots of beauty to see. My little weekend adventures always are a great treat and a life lesson each step of the way.

 

 

I have been doing so many fun things. From dancing the night away, to running in the rain, watching the lightning storms, gasping with delight, Playing pool or venturing to every concert in town.. trying my hand at painting and just smiling at every turn - with wine.. ofcourse...

 

 

Each activity reminding me.. I am ... Home.. now. WOW
 

There is a sentence I wasnt sure where I would say from.. and who knew this rugged desert earth, so raw and harsh.. with people so perculiar.. and here I am. A fish out of water, a lonely gypsy girl wondering the earth with a bare heart, full of dreams and desires.. finding herself among strange people, with strange accents and funny ways.. missing home like nothing else.. empty yet full.. Oh Africa.. How I will always long for you - my heart aches in places I have buried.. but know that I am ... home..

 

 

 

Home... where the heart.. the heart finds healing....

 

I spent such a wonderful weekend in Jerome. Just a couple hours drive, Stayed in a B&B - went wine tasting.. Found my soul wondering around there a bit - danced with her and called her home to me... I also went up to Tucson.. Been meaning to go for a while... it was nice, just way too hot to really enjoy. Plus, I was in a mood. I had some hormonal ups and downs in the last 2 months, its not been the funnest experience - as you all know. I have had my fair share of physical deals.. I am over it.
 

In other news, I have been working those dreaded Singapore hours this week.. I have had like 5 hours of sleep (not a night.. ALL week) - yet today.. My energy has returned.. Must be the full moon.. or love.. or just hormones :) who knows.. :) I will take it ;))

 

OK - clarification.  I was never some poor little lost and lonely person.. metaphorically speaking I am always in search of new depths of myself that I keep finding around life's corners.  I will always be a citizen of every country and a part of all its people and I just keep finding new longings and in those.. new belongings.

I am so happy
I so am full
I praise the God who gives me all these good things continually..

Let life reign in me, and through me.. I will keep you posted :)
To God be the Glory for the things He has done.

A bit of catching up to do..

Since March, I have been trying to catch up on my blog and for some or other reason, it just didn’t happen.

It seems from now on, my blog won’t be a detailed account of every activity – more like a quickie as my life has gotten rather crazy.

Working backwards….

My job at IO had gotten really busy, in the midst of the busy-ness, I planned a trip to Barcelona, Spain. My heart, my passion, on my doorstep.

I was so filled with all the different types of excitement possible. A long wait and then a crazy tail spin to get myself into the city of passion to not only reconnect with a childhood friend, bask in the deliciousness that is Spanish va va voom.. but also – to indulge in my ultimate F1 race.

My heart was flying. It’s been a struggle to put pen to paper (ye, believe it) to sum up my experience.. so here it is.. dislodged, inarticulate.. but raw as it is in my brain! Uncut and inedited.

The weather was warm and brisk.. early morning coffee in the square across from the Barcelo hotel, with my maxi skirt and tank top, satchel and cellphone ready to snap pics.  Stress of work just a memory… walking, eating waffles from the waffle stand. Marveling at age-old European architecture in all its glory with all the Antonie Gaudi unique accents scattered throughout the city.  When I close my eyes, I can hear each Spanish tongue speaking intensely, laughter, chattering, yelling in the distance. The car horns beeping and a random German tourist asking for help.  The smell in the air is a combination of the faint scent of the Mediterranean sea and the Spanish city smog.  There are clouds. A little rain. Hop-on-off and on again.  Pose for pics in front of every fascinating and exhilarating piece of art and beauty.  I would take my sandals off and touch the Spanish earth with my bare toes to soak it all in, except for all the dog poop which people don’t care to pick up.

I cringe. But I love it.. I love it all.  Race day is magnetic. The track is clean, so many rules to follow and in all the excitement and sweat, my heart about to burst with gratitude and pure joy. Alonso wins. JOY!

I cant say enough good things about this wonderful city.. pics attached…. J I am inlove with this world.. every piece it.. every corner, tongue, tribe and people live in me.. and I need to meet them all to reconnect each piece of earth an humanity to my own soul..

June 2013

June started off with a crazy social life beginning. I was suddenly caught up with a crazy (Denver-like) social scene, loving every minute of it.. feeling so young and free on the heels of my 38^th birthday!  Kinda dreading the onset of almost closing a decade and opening a new one.. once the day arrived, I felt more alive and loved than I had in a long time.  I celebrated this birthday in San Diego – did all the water activities..  I needed to prove to myself that I can shamelessly throw on a swim suit and attempt a paddle board with the best of them.. and then I drink, eat and be merry.. What love is this?? What great blessing has been bestowed on me. After 2 years of absolute hell and tears.. here I am on the very wave of elation and joy. Thank you God – you are my Rock and my Portion and all your promises are true.

July 2013

Time stood still or sped up (I am not entirely sure) – for some reason, I smiled and woke up and my heart was filled to capacity – my soul and senses so filled with newness and renewed life and again in the midst of hardest hitting reality.. I finally am closing a great and powerful chapter of my life – one which defined every part of who I am.. so hard… and God.. again.. came to save the day.. with a new breath of life…scary humbled and afraid..

Today, I am sitting here writing all this – trying to contain myself and also, trying to remember everything. Sometimes when life over takes you, its like a whirlwind and its blurry..

I am sitting at Salt Lake City Airport… I took a little weekend getaway. Very beautiful and interesting little city.

I went to see “Temple Square” – The town run by Mormons, where they live and express their believes. It’s very beautiful and somber.  The streets are clean and the entire city is surrounded by beautiful green mountains, trees, plush green grass.  People seem very calm and orderly.  Alot of beauty surrounds this serene litte town.

Was nice to see the mountains again.. The Rockies.. People playing in the creek water with their dogs. And Butterflies.. How I miss seeing butterflies, ladybugs and little catepillers chomping and squirming on green leaves. The joy of nature. The joy of creation.

We went to a bar and some night life activities.. on a whole, a really fun, refreshing trip. I got "hi-fived" by a few random dudes, asked some weird random questions by a group of collegete drunks..
It rained on Saturday afternoon. I walked in it.. hair soaked, it was beautiful, refreshing to me. I danced in it.. I laughed. I watched it from my window and fell into a silent sleep.

Well, thats my blurb for the moment.. I hope to not be so scarce.. but we shall see. 

Peace Out.

Globe trotting and stuff....

No - I have no abandoned my blog... I just took a hiatus while life was throwing me through a spin cycle of happy.

I took a trip to Barcelona... it was the most fantastic, fun adventure of all time. I had a wonderful reunion with a friend I had not seen in 25 years, and my other friend and I just took in all of the Spanish glory.

The first few days was just touri9ng around and exploring all the main attractions, ofcourse the weekend was my favorite, my passion, my heart.. Formula 1 !!

I just drank it all in.. I enjoyed myself so thoroughly and had a great time. Listening to people speak, interacting in this new culture. It was all amazing.

I could live in Barcelona, If Paris is the City of love, Barcelona is the city of Passion.. people eat, love, laugh and just engage themselves in every experience.

2013

It's kind of hard to believe that it's already March and I have not written anything. Needless to say, my life has take off like a hurricane. In a good way.

Recap:
On Dec 17th a new era began for me.  I started a new job getting back into the role of Executive Assistant.  December and January felt like I was getting paid huge amounts of money for doing the most fun and simple tasks.   I met a few new people and eased back on the volunteer work.  Just finding my mojo and getting a grip on my life.

I got settled into my new place and my new place in life.. on all fronts.  Things started to settle nicely.  Got a nice new work wardrobe and just generally feeling pretty good about life.. tra la la

As it happens, my life refuses to choose a genre.. it veers from comedy to horror at will!

February rolled around.  I got promote to EA to the CEO.. huge raise, huge responsibilites. Everything happened so fast and It felt like the hurricane that is my life collided with a few volcanos and tornodos all at once. Here in March I find myself on the other end of exhaustion; having worked 3 weekends in a row 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. For great reward, but little life quality.

Nevertheless, today I started to remember that I said: "God bless me"... and he has blessed me with this opportunity (not without find, controversy or mountain to climb) and I needed to fast remove all the tragic verbs from my vocabulary and change my mantras in life (man=mind.. tra=evolution).

I sit here today starting the midnight shift while my boss is in Singapore - head cold, cold sores, aching back, aching neck and sleepy.. but I am happy that this job gives me the money to go to Spain in May, pay my debt and save for the life that I am headed towards....

How do I always end up so blessed.. I shall not know, nor ask any questions. Only say thank you that I get to do this, that I get to serve and make a difference with all the conflict, tears and knashing of teeth, late nights and bad food... bring it, because it's my treadmill.. this is how I get strong.. gratefulness and graciousness is how I overcome!

In other news.. Good Job to Ferarri on the first race of the season.. Alonso.. you WILL win :D