Thanksgiving and other ramblings....

Ok after (yet another fantabulous) Weekend in California meeting famous people :)... Things seemed to creep a little on the up and up for me.  Well, in truth, I think I just changed my attitude a bit. I realized we all have moments that we cherish and that make us happy and moments where life is a suckfest.  So, realizing that I cannot really change every part of my life, I decided I can change ME.. and how I see what I do...

I then took a day off and went to Denver for Thanksgiving to see my friends.  Thanksgiving day was great.. Saw some good friends and ofcourse ate way too much.  The rest of the weekend was pretty relaxed, I went to see "Shrek, the Musical" - It was nice.  Shopping, eating, chatting, eating, walking, eating - you get the point... 

Work has been so hectic.. Since I stepped off the plane and literally straight into the office of Job number 1, I was so busy, my head is still spinning. I got home around 6:30pm yesterday and then started job number 2.  Its just been manic.  But at the end of the day - I am grateful to have them both and work hard and feel accomplished hey.

So.. since meaning and matter havent yet found their way to the marriage altar of my life.. here I am again with my ponderings. I find it mildly funny that I am in this place.. when I look back at the amazing, fulfilling, utterly adventurous life that I have had till now.. I should be ashamed to even complain.

I guess it is my constant capacity for awareness of my own soul and not wanting one day to go by without taking stock of where I am.. that I sometimes get into these panic attacks.  But anyway, the moon is gone, the universe has aligned and once again.. peace. Ha ha ha.. I know, I exhaust myself just being me sometimes!

I just want to keep my heart open to the gifts of life.  I also want to be real and true.. when something sucks, it sucks!  I want to live an extraordinary life.. and one that makes everything BETTER all round... :)

This year for thanksgiving I am grateful for so many things, here are some:

1. My amazing mother who never ceases to make me laugh and make my heart feel at home.
2. My good friends, who no matter the distance, continue to remember and love me.
3. My turtle :) he makes me happy
4. My spiritual mentors.. who always keep me grounded in truth and remind me of what really matters

And that is just the very very short list.. but I could sit here for an entire day.. making a list because I am ever so grateful for so many things....
:)

Weekend of November 5-7

I have had 2 weekends where it was just me.. relaxing, exercising, eating and visiting churches. Ok pause.

The Church

So I had a car at my disposal for 2 weekends and decided to go try out some churches – it was sorely disappointing. I already knew that Phoenix is a place most people come to retire – especially in the winter because the weather is just amazing out here.  But I didn’t realize that the young people all go into hibernation.  All the churches I visited thus far had sweet ole’ people in walkers handing out hearing devices at the door.  While the messages weren’t all bad, I just cannot see myself listening to a loud, out-of-tune orchestra from the 1800s. I know that sounds shallow and judgmental. I am not knocking the churches.. it just aint for me. I left feeling drained and tired, instead of energized and uplifted.

Money

I have been trying to spend as little money as possible because I got wiped out this year completely. I feel like Julia Roberts in the movie “Eat, Pray, Love” – you know the scene where Ketut tells her she will lose all of her money and then get it all back again –firstly that did NOT happen in the movie! Somehow she got it all back before she even lost anything (typical Hollywood) .. but me, however,.. the tax man, my property and lingering life in South Africa and other unplanned for events have ripped me bare financially.  So, this weekend I decided to just go for a massage despite my disparaging financial situation.  Working 2 jobs clearly isn’t helping me either. Oh well. Its only money!  The massage was disappointing, but it was nice to relax and feel like someone was serving me. LOL narcissistic I know. I just get so tired of working so hard for such little reward – I know you can all sing along to this song, you have been there too!

A few weekends ago I went to Malibu, I love California! I am sure I have said this so many times, it is quite sickening. Ha ha ha. Malibu is different from Orange County in so many ways, yet its unmistakably California.  I got to walk down in Santa Monica again – in the City. The fashion intrigues me so much. Gone are the days of designer outfits for me right now – nevertheless, I just love the energy in CA.. it makes me feel the strongest sense of home.

I was a little sad about my life this weekend. I felt like I was missing a lot of things.. I felt lonely for the first time in my life.. a little lost.. maybe I was just bored, because in the essence of it, I didn’t feel like hanging out with people, either.

What was I saying? LOL. I don’t know..

I don’t know why I am rambling today.  I shared with someone today that I hate my job and that I feel empty and that my life has no purpose (having a Monday pity party) and he asked me what do I REALLY want to do?? I don’t know.. It’s frustratingly not so easily defined in a word or even a few words.. but let me paint you a picture.

I want to wake up in a nice home – preferably with an ocean close by… I want to look at my calendar and see that my day is filled with a lot of variety of activity.  Make a few calls, have breakfast, take a shower and wear something fabulous.  I want to get into my car and at each place, I see myself teaching people how to read, writing letters about injustice to people who can help, fund raising for a cause.  Next stop, go into the communities and talk with young people, counsel and feed them.. help them feel valuable and see that they don’t have to be stuck.  Meet with organizations to arrange some food to be sent to people all around the community… sounds kind of like the Dream Center hey… I just want to be out in the world.. doing something that makes people better and makes the world better. It doesn’t have a job title and sadly, it doesn’t pay my bills.

Then go out at night for a nice meal with a significant other or best friend and talk about our day.  I want to travel the world occasionally and be able to pamper myself.  I want to have enough to help my family in South Africa.  So in short – I want to be free.. to help and make the world better… and I want to share my life with great people who love me and I want to see and experience every piece of this planet.  I also want to indulge in my crazy hobbies that I have :)

So when someone asks “why does your job suck?”.. it’s because it isn’t THIS! I know I have to “pay my dues” – when does THAT end?

So in truth my job doesn’t ACTUALLY suck.. it’s a means to live for right now.. but I need to have more.. do more and be more.. I want to write and teach, counsel and heal and I want to learn, love and have an adventure.

Is that too freaking much to ask?

Ag this blog sucks.

Just another Sunday night

I cannot tell you how much I love the sound of the uncorking of a wine bottle.  Tonight I decided to have a really “single girl” kinda night.  I mean the whole bang shoot.

Sunday night, October 24^th 6pm.  I am wearing a black gym pants and a tanktop . Did a mini Jillian Michaels workout.  Brushed all of my hair back, tied it tightly with a band.  Eye drops in the eyes.  On goes the avocado face mask and the glasses (sexy hey?).  I am in my beautiful kitchen, in an attempt to cook with all my senses; I have Eva Cassidy’s “time after time” playing on my laptop. I have the red Zin open and a half-filled glass on the counter next to my veggies, sundried tomatoes while the onions slowly braze in the pan on the stove behind me.  I move to the tune and close my eyes.. “if you’re lost, you can look, and you will find me.. time after time.  If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting.. time after time”.. I smile.  The sun is just setting and I can see the orange heavenly painting through my window.  My turtle beside me happily splashing in his tank.

I feel so content in this moment. My pain and troubles far behind me.

I went to visit a new church this morning.  The church was located way out in North Scottsdale hidden in beautiful desert terrain between strong, tall cacti.  It was an anti climax, though,  as I did not enjoy the service.  The pastor aptly pointed out that people who attend church for their own needs, we are narcissists.  That was the most retarded word of the day for me.  I mean sure, Christianity is all about giving, sharing and being given to this world and to the higher purpose for your life. But seriously, if we didn’t have needs and go to church because we need God and need to connect then what is the point anyway?

7pm,  3 sips of wine now and my food is cooking nicely.. filling the room with aromas of fresh oregano, ground pepper, spinach and tomatoes.. the pan sizzles in delight and of promise of tastes to follow.  I refrain from turning on the TV so that I can absorb the music of Laura Pussini...  “Porque ya no desde hace tiempo de amor no me hablas”  Ok so after that beautiful song.. I gave in to the temptation…  Nutella pizza – here I come. I placed an order at the restaurant downstairs called “nourish” and I walked down stairs to fetch it..  well, I ran because I thought If I burn one more calorie, I will feel a lot less guilty ;)

 

As I got to my room for my shoes I looked out the window to see the gorgeous orange moon.  Wow! The picture from my piece of p00p camera looks terrible.. but I tried… Snapped  pic of my front lobby before heading in. I am proud to say I only had one slice of pizza J and one glass of wine.

My face is all nice and clean and soft.. time to ooze and watch my Sunday night shows – relax before another busy, hectic, exhausting week of unknowns…

I have always been prouf of the fact that I am weird!

Three Rules I have:

1. Never drunk text
2. Don't give up on your dreams no matter how many setbacks life gives you
3. Never give up on love and adventure

Pretty good rules hey?

Well, I make those my rules, simply because I believe that passion, dreams, love relationships and not making an ass of yourself is of utmost importance to your well being as a human being.

2010 has been one rough year. I haven't gone to any faraway exotic lands.. for the first time since my 18th birthday, I haven't worked this hard and stressed this much ever.. and yet..admittedly, even through all the pain of this year, I have experienced some pretty amazing blessings.  I won't recap them now.. I will leave that to my New Years Eve "had too much wine.. 2010 can suck it" blog.. I will say this.... I love California.. and  I have been there so many times this year - I feel like I am one foot away from living there with Bob (thats my dog-to-be). :)

I blogged too much.. then I stopped blogging because I got so busy with 2 jobs and lots going on and then I just got fed up and then I had nothing to say.. but what will this life be without a Delise blog?? dull very dull ;)

Have you ever been sure of your destiny, to the point where you are willing to stand before judge and jury and swear to it.. and then everything around you seems like its hell bent on proving you a perjor (thats a word, yes?). That's where I find myself, I KNOW what I want.. where I want to be.  Well, I thought I did. I was so sure.. but life keeps pulling the rug and then gving it back in little tattered covers, like its toying with my soul...

but I KNOW I win in the end.. I know how this movie ends.. I have seen it in my dreams eye and in the faith within my heart.. and this that I am living is just a re-run.. but to get to the end.. I have to go through the gore... in life unfortunately.. it's live - there is no fast forward, pause or rewind..

I don't mean to be morbid.. I just know..My soul is well. But it sure has seen better places.. but inherently I have to believe that the youth of my heart and it's faith in the God who is everything.. will keep the beauty in my body and soul pure. And I will not surrender and succomb to this world and its' mould.. yes, old I will grow.. but I won't without a fight.. and my tenacious belief that my life matters and I am here for the most important of reasons will never become a whisper in the ears of darkness....

ok .  that..s it ;0))))

Random writings of things I think about.....

I want to taste the beauty of life in a piece of cheese, in a carefully refined wine with all of its alluring aromatics and bold flavors.  I want to close my eyes on a warm sunny day in a small Italian alley restaurant and inhale the rugged, remote harvest of smells, sounds and tastes with all of my senses. I want to touch the bottomless pit of history that came before me, leaving awe inspiring, soul touching legacies beneath my feet as I walk on the cobblestoned earth where men have fought and died and where women have birthed and nurtured children.  In the silence of a still, dark night, I want the sounds of a foreign tongue to enter my ears and tease my senses, leaving me intrigued, wondering what it means. 

I want to feel unraveled by the quiet, poetic movement of lovers sharing a kiss, halfway between private and public under a dimly lit street lamp, where only they exist to themselves.  A hand on the waistline, a head leaned back as long, dark hair caress her shoulders, a deep desire possessing his eyes and although the street has a cacophony of yelling, revving engines and pollution rising from the gravel, they are transported into each others’ souls where everything else is a distant hum.   The smile of a stranger creeping into mine as our eyes meet, exchanging a secret unknown to both of us – two strangers from different worlds apart, yet speak a language of “hello” that neither need to utter any word – a smile, where neither syntactic, semantics nor pragmatics are necessary to understand it.

Walking along a sandy road, the city in the far distance behind me, trees lining each side of me, I can feel the dust in my nostrils and it causes a loud, echoing sneeze.  I bring my dusty, brown feet into the old brick house. Alone.  Silent.   The big Tuscan villa is a clear indication that it has framed the deeper pleasures of living, culture and love for many decades.  I want to take it in its vastness.  The old stone walls speak to me of layers of history and tradition. The floor is cold beneath my feet as I move toward the window which creeks as I slowly open it to reveal a barren garden embraced by the wind, reminding me that waves of time and sweat have ploughed this land. I begin to wonder.

Walking through the untouched garden, rain scarcely said hello for many days.  This barrenness has a magnetic pull on my psyche. I feel her.. I know her. The middle finger touches the withering rose, once red, plush, soft, youthful, beautiful.  I feel her. I see her.  I know her.  I look up and passing by the wooden cracked gate, is an old priest in a long black robe. He nods at me and again.. the smile.
I reach down into the dry soil and grasp it in my hand, clasped tightly.  I want to be like the gods who awaken me when I am broken, to breath the breathe of life and pour out my tears that this Tuscan earth may live again.

The big hole

(Not the one in Kimberly.. this one is slightly bigger)

It feels as if 2010 is rapidly coming to a close.. I have been travelling more around the USA than anywhere else. It's been good. My life, still in a state of suspension, that sometimes, I wish I could just be free from.  But then, when you make a deal with the gods.. that you want anything but a boring, mediocre, compromising, dreamless, challenge deficient existence.. you get what you ask for.. when you ask for it as a young kid so vehemently and with conviction.. without really understanding what it involves..

Does pain and life's challenges make you stronger?  That's what they say.. I think I should be the HULK by now.

Newport Beach California

I am not exactly sure why I stopped writing about my travels. I think life became settled and then I just decided to write about emotions and the journey of life, I guess. But I have been doing a few nice things before life decided to hit me for a 6 and it’s been really hard to find the centre of it all. It’s like those waves.. you get up and another one hits and you get up and and..

So speaking of waves. 3 weekends ago, I took a trip with a friend to Newport Beach, California. I love California and my dream is definitely still to live there someday. I don’t want to veer off course.. but someday just really never seems to come.. when one makes clear and concise goals and plans, it seems a more doable or achievable way to get what you want from life. But, somehow when you say: “someday” that day never comes. And I am hopeful and putting my faith out there that that is not the case with California.


I have been in the United States of America for about 1450 days (give or take) And I have truly tried to make the most of it – it was never mine for the choosing whether I’d stay, even this long, but in my heart I always hoped and we will see what life has to offer. So I have two great jobs and a nice social network and for what it is.. I have everything I could want right this minute.


So back to Newport.

It is only an hour and 15min flight to California from Arizona. Close my eyes and drift off and when I wake up we land in California. Exiting the plane, it is like a breath of fresh air compared to the hot desert weather. I feel a cool 70 degree breeze on my face and cannot yet smell the ocean.. but I know how close it is.

I stayed at the Marriott resort which was great – felt like I am truly on holiday and one step further.. like I came “home”.


We spent a lot of time walking on beach, admiring the houses, eating delicious food and people watching. Took the ferry to Balboa Island and walked in and out of little beach town shops. Had nice relaxed evenings in outdoor hot tub and warm breakfasts with the smell of the ocean in our nostrils. Such a calming and enjoyable experience.

Where I currently live, I must be honest, feels like I am on a constant holiday. There is no doubt that the sun never stops shining here in Arizona.. even though the heat can get too much to bear – it makes you feel like there really is no “bad day” I live in one of the most exquisite apartment buildings with all of the amenities and I really can’t complain.. at this point I am just grateful and so, so happy to be able to have this for this time.. life is short and nothing lasts forever.. But one can hope.

TOWNHOUSE TO RENT - FULLY FURNISHED

Townhouse for Rent in Sandton (Linden Road)

3 beds / 2 baths
Ground Floor with Private Garden
Fully furnished incl DSTV dish
Includes Maid service twice a week
24 hour security guard
Pool in complex
Undercover parking
5 minutes from Village walk and Sandton City
R12k a month


Contact: delisemoore@gmail.com

How can one ask to be taken to the corners of the earth and ask for your heart not to be broken? I want to rise to all of the heights and venture the valleys below in all of the magic of the earth unscathed... what is that???  It doesnt happen!  But at the same time, I want to dance in the beauty of nature and in the arms of my refuges - my family.. my true friends.

I thought a while back that I had learnt and knew something of friendship. Until I moved again.. The hardest part of my liquid life.. is having to let go of the connections I make.  Leaving South Africa.. saying goodbye to awesome friends and ofcourse my family.. wow that was HARD.. people didn't think it, I guess because my face was framed with a smile and my eyes shone with my expected, excited life in America, of which they all knew I always dreamed.. But it was hard. To have your heart elated and broken at the same time is one of life's big mysteries.

Coming here has hardened me.. and crumbled me.. and it has shown me who I am on the inside.. forced me to face things within myself and about the world.. that really I was either just naive to, or just in denial about.

Every place after Jo'burg has been a flurry of sad goodbyes...

But coming to Arizona..has truly marked a time in my life where most of my friends have put me in their memories from the past.  I have about 4 friends left who even bother to say hi to me. 

I said goodbye forever to a very close, dear friend...lost her to death a few weeks back... and it made me appreciate life more... and I cannot understand.... why others do not...

Without friends how do you go beyond the strength of your own will. What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness? The harsh reality has made me actually appreciate and realize that it IS about time.. taking time.. MAKING time.. I have two jobs and a hectic social life, studies coming up, writing to do.. and relationships to maintain from across the oceans.. but maintain them I will - I guess its a priority to me....

After we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, but yet in each others lives at all cost - because really what is more important than the people you love??  let us risk remembering that we never stop NOT SO silently loving those we once loved out loud.

You know my heart

Things I intend to say..

Feelings blown away

You still know my heart

You know all sides of me

Things long forgotten

Things never meant to see

You still know my heart

So can I run to you

In the night?

And can I speak to you

about the things that I have lost?

And can I sing to you my song...

Cause afterall.. you know my heart.

You see the deepest me

sometimes I just can't believe

why you gave so much to me

Guess its cause you still know my heart

You break right through my walls

and the hardness I know

simply crumbles and falls.

You still know my heart...

So can I run to you.....

in the night..

and can I speak to you

After All

After all..

Through the words.. through the tears...

You know my heart.....

I will run to you...in the night.

Janine Price.

Memorial Day weekend.
I had been looking forward to this weekend for a while, as I have been working really hard in the past 3 months, been so busy slogging away - I needed rest.  The lazy, leisurely life I once enjoyed, a distant memory.  When the weekend finally came.. I am not sure if my body just crashed and burned or what happened, but I spent the entire weekend with a pounding headache, stomach aches and light headed feelings.


Today is Memorial Day - I guess.. for me.. it marks the end of the first part of 2010.  There are so many exciting things on the horizon. The World Cup Soccer just 2 weeks away.. I am ever so excited to watch  my beloved country be the host of the most watched event on the planet.


First... a look back.
January and February found me working at home, 3 hours a day - spending most days in the mall or at the pool. Loving that life - it got me into a great fitness routine, gave me time to write and spending time on expunging my mind from work and just enjoying and seeing life, reflecting, inflecting and just simply enjoying.


March till now has been a learning process, getting to know new people, systems and ways of working, using my experience and knowledge to make things happen.  This has given me the opportunity to stretch and expand myself into so many different areas and get to a place where I have to make the balance of life happen.   Making time for my ernjoyments, my friends and myself.... It hasnt  been easy.. It  also seems the more I exercise, the more weight I gain, the healthier I eat, the more my clothes pop! What is up with that! lol. Maybe it has something to do with errr hum.. turning 35??


Three months down the road (almost) - I am no longer brand new at work, so the pressure is not as much from here on forward except to succeed and grow.  I await in anticipation some news about stability... as well as saving money and planning a few trips.. This will be the first year since I was 19... that half the year has gone by and I havent travelled or atleast have a ticket booked somewhere around the globe!!!  Weird!
But all in good time!


June to December I expect to become even busier... I need to start making my financial investments into something of a future and still be able to scrounge out money to eat.. laugh and pray in some of the worlds most amazing places.... I am still burdened hard with compassion.. it never escapes me.. I want to rescue the planet - do "my part".. and save its' beautiful people.. When I was in Denver.. I started on a lonely journey to save one soul.. educate one person.. make someone smile and give someone hope.. It was a very lonely time for me.. but it gave me much fulfilment and joy.


There is something to be said about destiny.. or is it just a yearning that you are born with that which you cannot escape?  Someone once said destiny is merely a philosophy that you subscribed to when you feel you cannot control your own path..  I disagree - I believe vehemently in it.. and yet, it won't JUST happen regardless... you are destined for a great thing.. If you walk a path of passion, compassion and integity.. and also hard work and focus. Because it matters not where I go, or what I do - it stands in front of me like an unconquerable ghost.. this thing.. that I am happily haunted by - reminding me that my life is to be given... not just lived for myself.

So, I have started planning toward my personal goals for the rest of this year - as I turn a milestone corner in age.. I believe this is the time for me to take the world by the horns...with more urgency - more than ever before. Let go of the trivial things that hold me back in life.....

I am ready... rock and roll.. new start... here I come.

There will be days like this......

I haven't really written much of anything in a while. 

Let me tell you a little about my life, right now.

Job number 1.

I am in Business Development.. I do a host of variety of things for an awesome company with great people... and I LOOOOOOVE it.  But it is hectic, the days fly and most days, I can't believe my luck, nor can I believe that the week is over.

Job number 2:

Contractor for old company.  Still the same good pals, great people and the work must go on.

My days are roughly 10 hours in length and then I have to hit the gym.. which I must say has yielded little to no results in the past few months and I am getting frustrated - but someone believes it is good for you!  So I press on.

I have summmer all the time. The weather is unbelievable.  I live in a complex that looks like a resort and I drive a dream car (non of which is really mine! LOL)

I said all of that to say....  This weekend, like most, I get to Saturday - wake up early and watch the Formula one race - tired eyes, in my pjs, while the sun streams through my window.  I then get up, clean, faff and go out into the sun.. have a lazy day - maybe shop or catch a movie, or meet up with people..

Sunday rolls around pretty much the same - I catch up on reading, writing emails and calling everyone whom I missed in the week due to said schedule. Its a pretty sweet existence...

But then today happens.. and I do me - like I do.. but something feels off.. I feel.. well, alone in the world.

I sit to write - nothing comes

I look for inspiration - it eludes me

I call a friend - no one is available..

It's just one of those days.. on the cusp of a hectic week.. and I cannot find my peace and joy - I feel ... well - something not definable...

Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Khalil Gibran...

Wow. It really has been a while. So much has happened in the almost two months of blog silence.  Some great, some ok and some pretty nasty-awful!  Where to begin.

Well, In March I was still living the life of leisure.. waking up at 7am - working until 10am and then walking over to the mall - sipping a chai.. laying at the pool, hitting the gym and napping.. pretty nice :) 

The middle of March happened really suddenly. I got another job very quickly after 6 excuriating interviews (not to mention new outfits!) and then boom - I was working two jobs. I thought it would start off pretty mild and be easy to get used to waking up at 5am - and getting done with everything at 8pm... far from it!!!  It started off with such a bang and the standard and expectation of me was SOO high, I felt thrown off kilter. I would get home exhausted and have to finish job number 2, go to the gym at 9pm whip up something to eat and fall asleep.. This went on for about 3 weeks.. Weekends would come and I would savor each minute in the sun and each minute of sleep.

In between all of that - I got whacked with financial expenses which ate into almost all my savings, causing me to start from scratch (thank God the job came just in time!!!).  Medical bills started pouring in and so on... I started having eye problems and had to wear glasses most days ugh. You know how it always goes!! RAIN RAIN RAIN.

Well, now its 7 weeks later and I am comfortable at work.. I already hung out with a bunch of the girls, been teased by the Subaru guys about the car I drive... and so my life and routine is stablilizing.  Work is GREAT - I LOVE my job!!!!  The nice part - I am fully into my gym routine.. Getting stronger and healthier by the day and I now don't feel as if all my free time is being sucked into oblivion. I feel as if I am starting to make a difference and SLOWLY the money is starting to turn itself around. I have been doing so many nice social things too. Wine night on Tuesdays, seeing bunnies in the Garden.. Watching R8's drive past while eating frozen yogurt in the sun.. ahh life is good.

Some of the nasty-awful. (well, some more! LOL)

This past weekend a very dear friend of mine passed away.. It was really heart wrenching and also.. not being able to reach out across the oceans.. it was a tough weekend. I felt so emptied out.. so much grief in my heart - yet.. I know she was suffering for so long..

However... I would not be true to myself if I had to stay in the land of sad or negative.. So, I have to celebrate a life sadly taken too soon.. Nads.. I will never forget you my beautiful, Amazing friend.. may you rest in eternal peace and the life and legacy you left behind will live on forever.. In my heart you will always be - I love you friend. Here is to us: "white wine"..

So - I have a nice plan mapped out.. with my jobs well in tact for the moment.. I have to work hard and stay focussed and in a matter of time.. things will pan out nicely - I have faith.. I believe it.. it will happen.. By June / July -  my life will change dramatically (watch this space) I am so excited!

I hope to get a chance to go home this year for Christmas.. I miss my family and the sanity of Africa.  I miss the wild rugged naturalness of my beloved home.  I love my chosen home for many reasons.. but South Africa will always be my true home.

In this last month, I have learned a few very VERY important lessons..

1. Let go of the things that hold you down.. That is not an epiphony.. it just came into reality for me when I realized that baggage really just keeps you back from fulfilling your potential. Your life is YOUR life.. and if you just leave it up to everyone and everything else to determine or just for time to go by - you will wake up one day with so much regret and waste.. EAT.. PRAY.. LOVE.

2. I learnt who my true friends are.  I used to hold on for dear life to everyone who I had called friend and given my heart to...even when they treated me like sh**t, I'd always be on their side.. have their backs... but in this past year - I have let go of my grip ... and what do you know no one reached back... except a select few.. and it was those few consistently... the people who love you will love you -it doesn't mean you have to talk every day or every month.. but when they NEVER talk to you... maybe that is a hint.

3. I also learnt that inspiration cannot be manufactured and it comes from the most uncanny places.. I have this one friend who the moment they get on the phone.. I smile for days after.. regardless of the content of the conversation.. and not only smile.. feel like the world is mine for the taking. (NO ONE ASK ME WHO OK!!! It's not your business lol)

I have withdrawn from alot of the Facebook drama.. and I just watch and read.. I don't share my life too much on there anymore and it has been refreshing and liberating.

I haven't picked up writing my book yet - but I don't regret it at the moment.. I wanted to have my big dog on the beach of San Diego by now.. But I am seeing that the path life is painting for me is even better than the one I envisioned.. It's forming such an exciting, inspiring and selfless journey for me.. that it makes me want to hug the world! I am happy - yet it's hard.. and I wouldn't have it any other way.. Many days I long to escape to an easier existence.. but most days - I am just grateful because of faith and destiny and the blessing which I marvel at in my life...

and I see it.. I get it.. I GET IT.

It has been interesting..........

Where do I start? 

My life went from leisurely strolls to get a chai tea at Nordstrom, relaxing in the sunshine and watching expotic cars go buy, haor blowing in the wind, flip flops on my feet - to.. working so much and being too busy to evenlook at Facebook!!

As hectic as it has been - I am enjoying it..  I must say.. I never imagined I would be juggling so many things!  In South Africa I did so many times.. But somehow being here, It still kinda feels like I am a traveller.. and now a working traveller lol.. But having these opportunities, It gives me the potential to save money and travel more.. life just gets so much more interesting the "older"  I get.. I am fully back to working out!  Starting to see som good results and feeling so healthy.

HAVE THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE…

My life never ceases to be a roller coaster ride… when it takes me up, it goes on for such a long time and you have that anticipation of the fear and adrenalin you know awaits you on the way down… it’s frightening and exhilarating and on the way down, your heart climbs out of your chest. For some people, it’s just pure fear and they cannot wait until it ends and for others they laugh and let their hair fly back and scream enjoying the moment..

Well, mine is so many times a combination of all of these all at once!

There are days when I take a walk in the warm sunshine in the middle of the afternoon. Having worked 4 hours, I drink a chai latte and my heart smiles broadly. The butterflies fly in formation around my soul. And then in that same day I get news in the mail or other wise and it takes me to that place on the coaster where you wonder: “what If I fall?”, “what if I die?”, “What happens next?”.. and in those moments my heart can’t stand the fear..

I wrote a book called: "changing your life one day at a time" and I read through some of it today – sometimes you need to be motivated and inspired by an event or a person and sometimes you need to be your own inspiration. Today I asked myself when my life will be stable and then myself answered me: “Who signed up for stable!” ha ha

Then there is a higher force in my heart, in the universe Who supersedes any place in life that I can find answers, inspiration and help.

Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning?

And who told the ocean you can only come this far?

And who showed the moon where to hide till evening?

Whose words alone can catch a falling star? And the same gentle hands, that hold me when I’m broken…

I stand on the pinnacle of happiness.. No, actually I bask in its glory and the peace which sometimes eludes me, overtakes me… and often reigns over me. And it’s like I know I am where I belong.. even when the storm is raging outside the walls of my being and my control - within.. there is silence.. peace. Life is SO amazing! One can never discount the support structures and the pillars you have in your life…

So these days I have a great routine.. I wake up and work, I take a walk in the warm sun at midday. I cook some lunch and feed the turtle. I then go for another walk to do some errands, maybe go lay at the pool at the W hotel. Do a some more work and connect with friends, go to the gym for an hour, watch some television and go out for a night walk, or have a quick nap, go watch a movie or walk through the mall, havea drink and solve some IQ quizzes with friends. I read a lot on line, been doing so much research about the most interesting things. My mind has been more stimulated than ever before!! What a wonderful time for me.. what a great privilege for which I am ever grateful to have this sabbatical, if you will, from the regular rat race.. and just live and take life in. Don’t get me wrong.. working has its place and I enjoy the office environment very much and being so busy your brain hurts has a feeling of being productive, being integrated and contributing your talents to whatever cause you choose.. but in this moment.. I just am…. Nothing else.. just living. I love it.

It has been a really great week.. The weather in Phoenix has been awesome, warm, bright sunny days.  I took a break this week from job hunting, just doing my projects and enjoying the quality of life without worrying about work, finances etc.  It really added to me to put into perspective what is important in life.  Hey, don'tget me wrong.. working and making money is important and adds to my quality of life and ability to enjoy more things.. but it was the freedom that I enjoyed!

SO you may be wondering.. yeah I changed the look of my blog - I am not a huge fan.. But I was tired of the black and blogger really have ugly templates.. I have been researching websites and may have one up and running really soon (yes, Yes, I have said that a MILLION times!! but this week it will happen!! -hopefully hahahaha)

I have a great sense of wanderlust but also a need of ritual, familiarity and stability...

.. I have been doing alot of thinking (yes, more than usual!)  - Having only a part-time job to stimulate my mental capacity as well as financial state, one tends to delve into the realm of the mind... So I am not sure where this blog is headed.. but my fingers are ready to write whats "up here".. ** taps her temples with her forefinger**

I am…
Part of a wonderful family whom I hardly ever see because I chose to live on the other end of the ocean
A South African living in a foreign country where people often don't understand why I see things differently
A Formula 1 Fan because it's my passion.. the sport of my passion to be more specific.

I have…
A deep compassion and connection with Africa
Travelled to the most divine countries and immersed myself in each one
A desire to see the world even more, have a St. Bernard dog, live in San Diego in a house on the ocean.

I am interested in…
Poetry, goths and a kind of addiction to being "on-line"
Greek Mythology and Egyptian History
Words, their meanings and getting them RIGHT

I want…
To sit on a bench on a cobble-stoned street in Barcelona in a floral summer dress drinking wine
To be loved to capacity without reservation or reserve (the two are not the same - read up about words!)
To make a lasting contribution

I said all of that to start a blog about: Who I am, What I want, what I am interested in, what I have and how it all ties into where I am at right now. A friend of mine once wrote: "A blog is its own kind of narcissim" hmmm.. I wonder about that statement.. 

But enough about him, this is my blog :)))))

I have always viewed my life as an evolution, more than a race to a specific destiny.  Blogs.. they don't just help me make a declaration of who I am, what I want, what I want to believe in.. but they give me an outlet and a backward look at myself....  Isn't taking photographs of your travels and yourself in various places and experiences also narcissistic?  Can we then say every evidence we disply to others about who we are or what we have done a form of narcissim?  Ok - that wasn't the train I was going on....

I look at my life and I just cannot believe my fortune, my blessing and happiness in life.  I have come to realize the reason I do all that I do and stay sane, happy and living a life of adventure.. yet also living a life of "mundane" routine, is because of everything I said above.. it makes up the sum of me and yet none of me is defined in it....

I listened to a song today - we used to sing it in Church (believe it!!)..

I am a mountain
I am a tall tree
Oh, I am a swift wind

Sweepin' the country

I am a river

Down in the valley

Oh, I am a vision

And I can see clearly

If anybody asks u who I am

Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say

I'm that star up in the sky

I'm that mountain peak up high

Hey, I made it

I'm the worlds greatest

And I'm that little bit of hope

When my backs against the ropes

I can feel it mmm

I'm the worlds greatest

I am a giant

I am an eagle

I am a lion

Down in the jungle

I am a marchin' band

I am the people

I am a helpin' hand

And I am a hero

If anybody asks u who I am

Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say

Well, this song had me thinking...."I'm that little bit of hope, when my back's against the ropes"...  Which is kind of how I feel at this point in my life.. and yet... I am happy - I feel indomitable.. is it because I am 35 (You know when society says you start going downhill in every aspect) and wisdom has come to my "old" bones.. or I am "too old to care"..   I guess my declaration is this...

I am.. I am interested in.. I want.. I have.. I will... I am alive.. and when challenges come, I might as well be my own coach, cheerleader and fan... And really - who is society anyway??  And who cares what they say.. I feel so good, I am healthy, happy and although  I am job hunting in a treacherous economy and job market., I have to remember I was not fired or layed off, I was fortunate to have a great job and decided to move and pursue what I really wanted.. That, these days alone, is a luxury.. If I don't see the good in where I am. If I don't have the vehement belief that I will conquer even this set-back, then I will never fill in the black dots above... all of the "...." is indicative of hope and future.

Being unemployed and having to pay the tax man after my tax return reminds me that for ALL of 2009 I had a job - and I was blessed.   And having only a few hours of work a week gives me to time and space to breathe.. to look my world in the face - watch the sunrise and the sun set.. enjoy day time television and dream about Barelona... Take a walk in the park and be glad I live in a State where it doesn't snow all the time! And Just enjoy the small capacities of life to ever corner....

I'm that star up in the sky

I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it.............................................................................

I finally came to a decision about my blog. My website is still in the works, and in all honesty, I decided that I had a lot to say to the world.. Take it, leave it - Love it, hate it. I am not going anywhere.


I recently embarked on a search. I came to Arizona with one goal in mind and no particular plan. I find myself out of work, by choice, as it has always been. I always seem to search for a particular something. And it is not because I am lost; it is not because I have no direction. But, simply, it is because I cannot help but yearn for more in this life. In so many instances my arrival was heralded and my departure prolonged, still, I have often been unseen in who I am and what I do. I can only hope that I am unforgettable in those efforts before I leave this earth. That really is my search.

2009 can definitely be described as my Annus mirabilis. And each year seems to get even more so. I am always on the move, ever changing and ever surprising. Some have accused me of using my constant evolutionary nature as an excuse to not make a finite decision and that I choose to live in a conundrum confusing to people. Laughable!

I have such absolute clarity about my dreams and goals, yet the path seems uncertain. I choose never to be disembodied from my life, but rather to be present and feel all of it. And it certainly is a tough road which I choose..

So the loss..


There are a number of things I have lost over the years

- Friends, love and family
- My hair
-weight (not for long lol)
- Money and position
- Respect

So I am thinking about some of the loss... some of them necessary and some of them I was unable to clutch onto despite all brutal effort on my part.

We all go through life trying never to lose anything we value. And yet, somehow we always do.. I have decided what defines THIS moment in my life, is what I decide will define this moment and what I identify as important. I purpose to have a more intimate dialogue with myself so that when more loss comes.. I can be grounded in this one thing... I am true to who I am. I did not bow to the opinions of people whether they are the masses or the voice of one. I have on many occasions leveled the basic landscape of my life in order to start a fresh all the time. But this year, I nod to the life I have as WELL as the one I want. To transcend all things mediocre and mortal. Draw from my own inner vault of beliefs, convictions and passion.

With all the change that I am always experiencing with circumstance and adventure, I realized - it is a time for a new change - ridding myself of the obsessive receptiveness to people's negative opinion.

The loss for this year.. Losing it.. more like throwing it away..

I inhale, exhale.. Until then, I cannot find that damn I don't give.... :)