The Highs and Lows...

Singapore seems like a distant memory already - even though it was only days ago!!! - my life got really busy at work again.. and at the same time took a little "left" turn into the land of uncertainty and disappointment. Well, that is fine, roll with the punches and just try to stay positive and focussed!


As I started to say in a few previous postings. Though my world around me can sometimes seem like it is closing in and like every ground I make up, I seem to lose almost instantaneously.. I still feel a stirring in my soul.. something on the horizon. I have the restless desperation to want to make things happen NOW - even though I do not know what it is, yet..


"Let the lover pull you to your feet and hold you close, dancing.. even when fear urges you to sit this one out".


I want to talk today about courage. I have been known for most of my life to play on the "safe side". I went from my father's house to my husband's house - so I lived a pretty sheltered type of life. I have always had a sense of security and the "known" factor was always there.


I have had many great experiences and have many great memories... however, I find myself at a crossroads where I can no longer lay in the cushions, hoping life will lend me a hand and send me directly into the life of comfort and luxury and security. I know I need to make changes and deny my risk aversity - if I truly want to do something amazing.


To get to the "Amazing" however.. there is a hard road, with hard decisions...


I didn't sleep a wink last night - No, it wasn't jetlag - it was my mind and my heart disquieted, there I lay on the edge of restlful darkness. The night is still. The room is lit only by the lights from the streets downtown in the distance.. Everyone has gone to sleep.. the defenses of my mind fade away from the day where I am guarded and focussed.. I close my eyes...


My heart starts to feel the old familiar deep longings.. grasping in my minds eye for the dreams I long to fulfil. The past 2 weeks have been a mixture of heightened elation and tremulus disappointment, emotional pain and renewed hopes all at the same time.


Something started being cultivated.. a sacred mystery of which I cannot yet speak.. yet so far out of my own grasp that it makes me wonder is this a cruel joke that the universe decided upon at the very time when my life is at an impass??


Although I have been risk averse in general - I am also tenacious in the things that I want. I pursue - I conquer - but the ambiguity filters in when other people are involved... I am not a forceful person over other people's wills and emotions. I will not impose myself upon them. I have been accused of not being pursuant enough in that regard.. it goes against my nature.. but will I lose out and miss out the very connections, the very answers that I look for? is "not doing" - "doing nothing"... hmmm I cannot find the answer to that question as yet.


Ok - I apologize, I am being a little cryptic. Back to the subject of 'Courage'.


Experiences in life are like the water you heat for a bath..it takes messages between the fire and the skin.. it lets them meet.. and it cleanses you.


Why is life so hard? So complicated? How do I unravel all the insanity to have the control within me? Courage? Maybe not - maybe no one can control anything.


Happiness won't find me, right? I have to find it - but do i need motivation in order to muster up courage? Ok, let me clarify - this does not mean I am UNhappy.. it only means that the soul of my soul and heart of my heart is longing for its fulfilment, I cannot pass my life without reaching for it. But, oh what great a price do I have to pay??


That is what I need courage for.. not for DOING it... but being prepared for what it TAKES to do it.


this is me - right:


"Some say the world will end in fire
Some say the world will end in ice

from what I've tasted of desire
i hold with those who favor fire"


Yeah - yeah - my mantra? words? I said 2 weeks ago i did something unorthodox and got something really great from it. What is now needed to take the next step?

Well, I have to end this post here - because I think I waffling. I will make more sense - when life makes more sense :-)